The ideal school...

[alistron1]

Wouldn't have young teachers, (in fact it wouldn't have teachers at all - we all know they are work shy feckers... it would be staffed by proper grown ups),
it would have carrot washing and peeling built into the school day,
would be open for 365 days a year 'cos the hols are very inconvenient and teachers get too many of them,
it would have separate changing rooms with ensuite bathrooms for all kids so that their dignity can be preserved,
it would have enough staff so that every child could be helped to put their trousies on the right way after PE,

I am building my application for the MN Free School/Academy AIBU??

For the Incident Room

www.mcdonalds.de/metanavigation/mcfinder/mcfinder.cfm

A buddy bench at the school gates for all the mums who haven't penetrated the cliques / have no interest in the cliques to find like minded souls...

ooops wrong thread!

there will be a communications consultant on hand to give extra special advice to any staff who may be thinking that notes on the classroom door are an effective way of contacting all parents about important things (or trivial things or any damn things).

This communications consultant will scan all emails and letters for typos and missing pages as well as for sense, content and whether they really need to be sent to anyone anyway...

The children will be able to eat their lunch when they like, not at a set lunchtime - and be attended to by their own dinner lady who will NOT even THINK the words FFS when the child opens their lunchbox to reveal a jumbo pepperami and box of jaffa cakes. The dinner lady will be blind to all lunchbox shortcomings and mutter only the words "mmmm delicious"

School will also have a range of nutritious food available - which each parent has previously listed for their child - so that if parents can't be bothered to send them in with their packed lunch, the dinner lady can whip up something in an instant.

The uniforms - which school will, of course, provide, will be miraculously self cleaning when someone else's yoghurt, cheese spread or smoothy spurts across the table and down their jumper.

Parents would all be allowed to go on school trips (especially residentials) and choose which friends are in DC's group/dormitory. All clothing will come back from residentials clean, ironed and folded.

Each child will come home from the school day with a handwritten note from the teacher detailing what was taught in each lesson, who the child sat and played with, the exact quantities eaten and drunk at snack/lunchtime and details of any minor graze.

Has any mentioned the toilet attendants. Who will of course be the same gender as the child in question except when the boys want a female attendant. They will also, having gone on the same telepathic training as the teachers, know when they are not needed and disappear.

Radial transformation for me I am afraid: No school uniforms but no icons on clothing should be allowed, that includes images of telly tubbys, Barbie, etc; no home work except reading; all canteens would have a head chef who was vegan as they are the only people who actually know what nutrition is (this does not mean no meat); all kids would learn basic mechanics, plumbing, DIY, gardening, cookery- (again run by a Vegan); PE would also incorporate simple walking and study of natural environments; academic study would be run as two lessons a day split into morning and afternoon sessions, two subjects so kiddies had time to digest fully rather than being bullied into limited information in a limited timespan before they have to leap to another subject; school class rooms, toilets and dining halls, etc would be cleaned by the kids in shifts; stats would be abolished and GCSEs would be run from age 16 to 18; RE would be abolished and such information would be part of history and geography. And of course we need a return to smaller classes. I also believe that in the infants, parents should be able to take their child into the cloak rooms in the morning and equally collect them in the cloak rooms, this would be far more social. My list is endless really.............. :)

The Head Teacher will always be on site to speak to me about my child when I request. S/he will always agree that IANBU.

I do have to wonder why we have to have separate toilets at all until age around 7? All children should be using toilets and sitting down, we create mystique by having separate toilets.

PuspornInBoots Mon 19-Sep-11 10:46:00

Pusporn is it an all-female sibling group, with names that sounds like a puppy, a fruit, a tiny mythical person and a flower that also sounds like a giant feline?

It will also never have INSET days on random days. All will be at the beginning or end of term and at the same time every year, notified 10 years in advance, so all parents can plan round them.

It will always be open, come snow, hurricane, and flood. The heating and plumbing will never break, the roof will never leak and no smashed window will ever produce a sharp shard of glass necessitating even a tiny portion of the playground to be cordoned off even for an hour.

OOO hk! how did you know that I mean, I couldn't possibly say....

I guessed that, too. Sadly, the fruity one still got rainwater in her brain.

Each school will have an army of GPs (drs not grandparents) on standby to come to our house at 7.30am and decide if little Johny is pulling a fast one or is really too ill. If they are ill the GP will transport them to the school's medical wing where they will be cared for by the doctors all day, with the teacher popping in at regular intervals to see if they are well enough to do some of the class work.

All school caretakers will be required to look like Harrison Ford building the Amish barn in Witness, with the toolbelt and everything.

All TAs will have master's degrees in child psychology, but will never, ever be left in sole charge of a class.

This is because no teacher will ever be ill or bereaved, have a domestic crisis or be calked for jury service.

scaevola - you found my pet peeve -INSET days.....
ALL schools will keep them the same as they told us they would be at the start of the year ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS.... but I prefer your 10 year option

Every week a team of five school staff will compete and win on Eggheads, and donate the winnings towards a sports trophy for each child for turning up on sports' day.

But with such a specialised team they won't need INSET. Each subject is led by an "expert" in their field. The medical, social and emotional needs are being met by specialists. The teachers can follow their own curriculum, so need not be burdened with needing training to deliver the constantly changing new initiatives. If you could cancel the need for paperwork and record keeping they wouldn't traning on that.

All the things children have played with/painted/coloured/written will be put on display each day. When parents come and collect, they can see what their darling has been up. Parents can stay as long as they want looking at these things. Then, teachers will chase the children around school to try and put their shoes on!

They will be taught how to hold a pencil properly

There will be no restriction on taking holiday during term time. All children who are absent for family holidays will have the option to have a pack of personalised reading materials/worksheets etc. that they can choose to complete. Alternatively there will be individual tuition when they return to ensure that they can catch up quickly.

Just caught up. One for Classics, MNHQ?

Parents' evenings will have half hour slots for all arts subjects, to allow adequate time to hear about DC's incredible talent