The ideal school...

[alistron1]

Wouldn't have young teachers, (in fact it wouldn't have teachers at all - we all know they are work shy feckers... it would be staffed by proper grown ups),
it would have carrot washing and peeling built into the school day,
would be open for 365 days a year 'cos the hols are very inconvenient and teachers get too many of them,
it would have separate changing rooms with ensuite bathrooms for all kids so that their dignity can be preserved,
it would have enough staff so that every child could be helped to put their trousies on the right way after PE,

I am building my application for the MN Free School/Academy AIBU??

[sittinginthesun]

And wash and iron them?

And the school will only use washable pen and paint, to avoid stains. And will supply a new school jumper for each child on the day school photos are taken.

[DeWe]

Blair stated that 75% of pupils should be above average. I assume he meant to push the remaining 25% into failing so badly the average was lowered. (assuming he meant mean, median that could never be true, mode it could happen)

Don't forget to pave all paths and the playground with soft cushioned stuff. After all most accidents at school happen on them.

Maybe you should go for the Chalet school principle of having a local parent who happens to be the owner's sister who can do everything with a schoolgirl giggle and immediately solve everything... assuming the person in question doesn't mind being knocked over by an out of control dog. Have I remembered correctly?

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

OOOh - yes, that too. Sewed, not ironed, because they don't come off

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

every pupil will be on the g and t register

[alistron1]

The gifted and talented register will be published in The Times.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

No telling off my child. He did not deserve it

[Limejelly]

Every child should have their own personal assistant, who would follow them around and make sure they do not misplace their jumpers!

[Nanny0gg]

Have you forgotten the separate changing rooms with hair dryers supplied?

Or should hairdressers be added to the staffing?

[alistron1]

I forgot about the feckin' hairdryers/hairdressers

[AbigailS]

Everyone gets to play in the school's first team of five a side football.

[Limejelly]

Oooo and how about someone responsible for writing down every book each child has read since starting school, to ensure no child ever reads the same book twice

[sittinginthesun]

Unless they are bullying my child, in which case they should be excluded on the spot.

[alistron1]

And everyone is 'Mary' at christmas.

[LynetteScavo]

Any child who's 1st language is not English will have one to one tuition in English until they are fluent, before being integrated into the classroom, so not to hold back any children who have English as a first language. This tuition will be provided by volunteers, so the parents of the children, for whom English is their first language, can't complain about their taxes being spent on immigrants.

But of course all children will be taught French from reception.

[AbigailS]

Gym and beauty salon on site, so parents can go there when they've dropped the children off and the children don't need time off school for their manicures (yes, I kid you not Y6 absence letter)

[AbigailS]

Oh no! Thanks for reminding me. It's "Mary" time of year soon.

[LynetteScavo]

School staff will supervise children on the playground at the end of the day, so parents can chat to their friends without having to check on the safety of their child.

[AbigailS]

Can't the school provide coffee, cakes, etc picnic tables for the parents as well LynetteScarvo?

[alistron1]

Lynette, the school staff will live in cupboards in their classrooms. As has been said they need to be available 24/7.

[Limejelly]

Teachers will be available for weekend baby sitting- they have far too much time off anyway.

[alistron1]

sovery, the uniform will be renewed at the end of every school week (FOC)