The ideal school...

[alistron1]

Wouldn't have young teachers, (in fact it wouldn't have teachers at all - we all know they are work shy feckers... it would be staffed by proper grown ups),
it would have carrot washing and peeling built into the school day,
would be open for 365 days a year 'cos the hols are very inconvenient and teachers get too many of them,
it would have separate changing rooms with ensuite bathrooms for all kids so that their dignity can be preserved,
it would have enough staff so that every child could be helped to put their trousies on the right way after PE,

I am building my application for the MN Free School/Academy AIBU??

[Teachermumof3]

No labels will be needed for any item of clothing-the teacher must learn whose clothes are whose by sixth sense. Why waste parents' precious time asking them to label things when teachers only work 9-3 and have all day to locate Tyrone's bookbag and Sheldon's new coat. 'It was from bleeding baby Gap, this f*cking coat and it cost me £78, I ain't ruining it by writing her name in it, am I?!'... (direct quote!)

[AbigailS]

This thread has really cheered up my afternoon/evening's planning.
And given me a chance to vent (sorry everyone) I've had a challenging start to the school year.

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

am loving this, where do I sign.

In addition to the game keeper with the shot gun, please can we make sure we have enough real life samples of wild/rare animals kept in fabulous conditions so that the children have a real life knowledge.

[NotQuiteSoDesperate]

It wouldn't have a well-stocked library or professional librarian, because that might help kids to read well and learn how to do more than cut-and-paste.

Ooops! Sorry, that's already the case in most schools in England anyway.

[spanieleyes]

Of course the school will have flexible hours so children can attend as and when is convenient ( for parents) Personalised learning will ensure that the teacher repeats the lesson as often is required-whilst making sure the rest of the class progress at their own pace.

[Teachermumof3]

Oh, and schools will be open from 6am to 8pm (including all meals-free, of course, and a wide selection of after school clubs) which children can access on a 'drop-in' basis. The teacher will, of course, ensure that each child accesses a full curriculum despite not knowing in advance when each child will be turning up. This will enable the parents to both work should they desire, or simply stay at home all day watching Jeremy Kyle and eating kid-kats if that floats their boat.

[AbigailS]

No appeals needed. Everyone who wants a place at the school will get a place, regardless of whether the school's building is big enough and there are enough staff to meet the additional children's needs.
The parents can choose which class teacher their child has and which friends go into their child's class.

[Teachermumof3]

The parents can choose which class teacher their child has and which friends go into their child's class.

How could I have forgotten this one! I think we should add that parents can change their mind and move their children to a different teacher if the current one has told them off and upset them.

[youarekidding]

Oh and they can change year group when they are 'clearly far more advanced than the other children and the teachers level of knowledge' (again direct quote)

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

But don't these schools already exist?

They're called fee paying, or private, or something...

[BoffinMum]

They would pick up and drop off the kids in a comfortable minibus and supply all sports gear and equipment necessary so parents didn't need to bother about that.

[bossboggle]

This is wonderful!! When can I get my three in p.s they're all adults, well almost youngest is in year 11!! Or better still keep the children out and just allow the adults in!! This is one of the daftest most entertaining threads I've read in a long time!! Keep it up people!! I love this!!

[EdithWeston]

Every child will be given a free loan of the musical instrument of their (parents) choice for as long as they want it, plus free tuition, a guaranteed place in all orchestras and ensembles and the opening solo of the music recital.

[squidworth]

Security guards to escort parents off the premises as soon as they start telling you how twinkle toes is doing in her ballet class etc, I really don't give a @@@@.

[EdithWeston]

There will also be an Olympic standard swimming pool on site, with changing rooms which simultaneously give total surveillance and total privacy.

And the loos will never smell funny.

[AbigailS]

Teachers to wash and repair knees in trousers and repair shoes damaged by zealous football games at breaktime.

[EdithWeston]

All school trips will be free, and will have spaces for everyone, plus an option on any longer trips away for parents to accompany them and sleep alongside their DC in case they are lonely at night.

The PTA will be run by selfless, totally inclusive, friendly people who never need to ask for additional help with anything. It will raise amazing sums if money, despite no parent ever having to donate time, cash or raffle prizes.

[EdithWeston]

And Brian May will teach both music and astrophysics - both of which will be available from reception upwards. Darcey Bussel will personally endorse the dance programme and arrange all end of term shows.

[clam]

My child's work will be in every display. Even if it's crap.

[EdithWeston]

David Tennant will head the drama department (who cares if he has QTS - or maybe he could go back in time to qualify).

[Nanny0gg]

I am so printing this out and putting it up in the staffroom tomorrow!

[clam]

All teachers will be on duty every playtime, to ensure they witness every fracas my child starts is a victim of.

[DownyEmerald]

Viewing gallery above every classroom with free coffee and cake for parents so they can really find out what the dcs get up to at school without having to do any of this "helping with reading" malarky.

It would have to be sound-proof so the parents could chat but have the sound of the classroom piped in.

[youarekidding]

Don't forget the swimming pool must have separate changing rooms for boys and girls, better still separate buildings for changing.

Oh forget it, just get 2 swimming pools, one for boys and another for the girls.

[BarryStar]

No need for changing rooms - all teachers to do any necessary swimming, thereby negating need for poor defenceless child to get wet/struggle into tight swimming costume/share dirty water with other less savoury children.

All reading matter on premises must not contain anything that might possibly scare/upset sensitive children. To this end, teachers must personally compose all texts to be studied, avoiding any use of colourful and imaginative imagery.

School waiting staff must ensure that all lunchboxes are emptied and washed thoroughly by hand, using new dishclothes for each box on each occassion. Once washed and dried, a typed list of what each child has eaten, and in what order, must be placed in clean lunchbox.