The ideal school...

[alistron1]

Wouldn't have young teachers, (in fact it wouldn't have teachers at all - we all know they are work shy feckers... it would be staffed by proper grown ups),
it would have carrot washing and peeling built into the school day,
would be open for 365 days a year 'cos the hols are very inconvenient and teachers get too many of them,
it would have separate changing rooms with ensuite bathrooms for all kids so that their dignity can be preserved,
it would have enough staff so that every child could be helped to put their trousies on the right way after PE,

I am building my application for the MN Free School/Academy AIBU??

A special room builded with sun-protection materials for the dangerousely hot days (above 21 C)

Everyone will live close enough to walk to school under covered walkways to negate bad weather.

Otherwise (realise above staement is cloud cuckoo land) there will be an underground car park with the exact number of spaces to pupils ratio and extra wide spaces to facilitate access.

and the teacher will put each and every letter into a child's bookbag personally because handing it to them at home time to do themself is just expecting too much.

Yes there will be P&C parking spaces in an underground car park, with lifts straight into the school and air con and heating to regulate the temperature so the pupils don't get cold/wet/ hot etc.

Ahhh! But some parents don't like letters in bookbags, they like them in their child's hand (can't remember the previous thread but it made me think as I always insist that letters go straight in bookbags) so they'll have two copies; one in the bookbag and the other into their hand as they leave the classroom.

Air conditioning - yes please.

The school will liaise with the Department of Parapsychology at the University of Edinburgh to train teachers in telepathy, negating the need for letters home altogether.

no child would ever be allowed to be told off, or even looked at firmly. Oh no, not for little Johnny and Janie. They would need to sit down (if they wanted to of course) and discuss their feelings with teacher (on first name terms of course) and if they still didnt fancy sticking to the (loose) regulations, well thats fine, let them go off and knock 10 bells out of each other if they like.

CCTV in each classroom that streams straight to the parents' computers at work. (with signed consent for this to happen from every parent in the class)

Actually Abigail, that's a brilliant idea then the parents could see what terrors their children really are and would believe the teachers who complain about their PFBs' behaviour

The fruit provide for snack each day will be organic, free range, hand picked by pickers paid a living wage, have zero food miles, and will never, ever, under any circumstances, be Cutted Up or On the Wrong Plate.

When on an outward-bound school trip for the first time, all children should be able to take mobile phones with them and leave them switched on all day every day so that their mothers can ring continually asking, 'Do you miss me, ickle baby?' and 'I hope they're not making you do anything dangerous?'

And they could have the school on speed-dial if their DC didn't get chosen to answer a question or wasn't sitting where their parent wanted them to.

But yes, I agree many parents would be very surprised how differently their DC behaved and worked in the classroom compared to home.

The yellow zig-zag lines outside the school will mean "please park your car here, where it's most convenient for you".

The exact quantities of uniform will be hand delivered by each pupils executive information disseminator and hung up.

The uniform will be pre-labelled, dirt resistant and with unscuffable shoes. It will be immediately replaced if lost/outgrown.

It will be free.

But Nanny0gg, the walls of the classrooms will have special walls to prevent any mobile phone signal penetrating developing brains.

Pick up times will be flexible for parents who don't like to rush to/hang around for dancing/piano lessons on the other side of town.

And the Lollipop Person would be happy to valet the car while the parent popped in to have a quick chat with the teacher who sent a book home that Already Been Read.

And when you are running late it's fine to come into the staff carpark at top speed, totally oblivious to the fact there are young children playing (it doubles as a kind of playground and staff have to be in by 8am or park elsewhere).

And the people living near the school will have no problem with parents living in the next street away parking their cars in their private drives so little Tarquin can get a lift to school.

And no parent need ever bother to teach their children not to litter, as the school will employ special liberal democrat elves to pick up after them when they make a bit of a mess.

The teacher is solely responsible for any items of value like mobile phones, costly jewellery and toys that the children sneak into school even though they are banned and the teacher doesn't know they are hidden in the DC's bag.
The teacher will answer the mobile phone that you accidently put in your child's book bag and take messages throughout the day until you can collect it after work.

Costumes will be provided for all Victorian Days and other dressing up occasions.

As a teacher, I'm loving this thread. Kept me laughing all afternoon.

All reports will be written by parents and then typed up by the teachers. This will ensure little Johnny gets the report he deserves aka not the truth

All children will get all their Golden time. It will not be shortened for reflection on bad behaviour - after all Golden Time is their entitlement.