The ideal school...

[alistron1]

Wouldn't have young teachers, (in fact it wouldn't have teachers at all - we all know they are work shy feckers... it would be staffed by proper grown ups),
it would have carrot washing and peeling built into the school day,
would be open for 365 days a year 'cos the hols are very inconvenient and teachers get too many of them,
it would have separate changing rooms with ensuite bathrooms for all kids so that their dignity can be preserved,
it would have enough staff so that every child could be helped to put their trousies on the right way after PE,

I am building my application for the MN Free School/Academy AIBU??

Nearly forgot - each child to have his/her own hand crafted desk, and matching comfortable chair, otherwise learning performance will be severely affected.

Each child to have his/her own PA to ensure said child does not have to use dangerous implements such as pencils - which have been known to be sharp.

Teachers not to speak in voices above a whisper for fear of scaring child.

Teacher must smile and be in good mood for the remainder of his/her life.

Sorry - this thread has obviously touched a nerve:

Teacher must carry every child's bag as those bags get so heavy you know.

Will try and sit on my hands now.

How about a school where the teachers are paid properly? Oh no sorry, I forgot, people who work in education aren't worth paying properly, after all they re only loooking after our kids.

A team of hairdressers to be available on-site on school photo day.

The school choir will sing in the Horrible Histories prom, and every child will get to meet the entire cast, as will their drooling parents.

Every child will be driven to school in a chauffered limousine, and, if raining, upon arrival be rushed into school by security men carrying massive umbrellas.

Oh and all parents to be provided with a list of their child's classmates cross referenced with their NC levels in maths and literacy plus teachers SATs predictions.

And a note of which table name is the bottom set.

Any teacher found not to have fully developed the power of telepathy by lunchtime of the first day of term to be sent to special re-education camps in Tristan da Cunha.

There will be a dedicated person for party invitations. They will be solely responsible for issuing and RSVPs. If any child or parent feels offended in any way at all, it will be the party invitation issuer's fault entirely.

Any child not accepted by Oxbridge will be able to claim substantial damages from all their previous schools for failing them.

In the event of bad weather (eg heavy snow and ice) the school will of course be open (headteacher will individually ring each family before 8am to confirm this fact) - all staff will be in EARLY in order to take on additional duties of escorting children to school if need be and of course stay late to look after any children whose parents have not been able to collect them on time due to the weather. One to one child saftely monitoring to be in place during this time

And of course no question of any strikes so no worries there

In fact all teachers will be issued snow shovels to clear a path from each child's door to the school's main and rear entrances, as children's entitlement to spatial choice is so important in the formative years.

This thread has nearly ruined my laptop this morning. Too much tea-spitting! :o

The former teacher in me is loving this! Loving!

Don't have any school age children yet so I'm thinking in terms of what I would have liked! There would be no uniform and the summer holidays would be 8 weeks long.
No religion. Richard Dawkins and other atheist celebrities would give the school assembly sometimes.
Both bright children and less able ones would be pushed to reach their full potential whatever that may be.
Individual changing cubicles for older children. No requirement to do PE, or walking, horse-riding or cycling offered in place of hockey and netball. Olympic sized pool.
Nature study.
No national curriculum and less specialisation at A-level.
Loads of resources and well-paid and non-stressed teachers.

The school will have an attractive uniform, to be laundered by school staff every week. Parents too, shall have a uniform to avoid bitchiness at the drop off/pick up times. No Boden allowed.

There will be SATS for those who wish to take them - and the ones who do take them will get level 5s in everything, with an accompanying letter of congratulations from the queen, and an explanatory letter making it clear that level 5 is a good level to get, and it is above average, and your child is very very clever to have got it. This might save a few threads on here in July.

For those children who do not wish to take SATS, a duvet will be provided for your week at home.

The children will not be 'taught to the test', and will take part in lots of enriching, fun and free activities throughout year 6 which are in no way designed to help them do well in the SATs. However, they will mysteriously emerge at the end of year 6 ready to take top marks in all papers (to include the 11+, since the tripartite system will return across the UK, except that no-one's child will go anywhere but grammar school - might have to hire some actors to go to secondary modern though, just to be sure the grammar kids know they are the best).

Such fun!

The ideal school teaches every child in the neighbourhood regardless of background or ability. FULL STOP
BTW my kids said the children's choir at Horrible Histories prom were crap and out of tune and that their school choir could do better, so why the hell are they so rude about their school choir normally.
And Mr Blair, how can 75% do better than average, can't quite work this out without spending more time on it than I should, but I know it's something to do with distribution and yes I have a very olde degree in statistics. Anyway Mr Blair was at least an Earthling rather than that alien Mr Gove.

Homework will come with 'parents' notes' to remind you what the hell this is your child is learning to do and explain how the teaching method (and possibly answers) have changed since you learned it all those years ago. For 'paperless parents' this information will be provided by the child's personal homework tutor at the parent's disposal.

(Just so we don't feel our grey matter greying so much.)

A vague cousinly sort relation of ours worked as a chauffeur in London, taking a certain celebrity's DCs to school, in a limo, and was required to hold a brolly over them if it was raining. Judging by the gossip columns, said kids are rapidly heading to hell in a handbasket, although that could just be because the Daily Mail hates them this year, and the very expensive education has been more or less utterly wasted, just like the kids have been since they were about 12 or so

A laundrette so they can take the laundry in in the morning and pick it up on the way home. They do the ironing as part of DT.

The school would of course be small and intimate, so everyone knows everyone else personally. Of course it would also be large any dynamic, supporting a vibrant set of co-curricular activities.

Easy, every child would have their own teach who took them on at school entry and moved up with them, said teacher to have a huge breadth of knowledge to teach them everything up to A level. THis would allow every child to progress at their own rates, my average lad would be stretched not stressed , your genius would be doing A level maths by 7 and the poor ADHD kid wouldn't be able to impact on the world of our darlings because they'd have a teacher who could entertain in 2 min blocks and amazingly teach them too despite the concentration span of a gnat.

These teachers would nurture their charges,help them with lunch/PE etc and even, as an extended role could provide before and after school care....

OH yes ........ they need a parent LOLOL

Isn't that how the perfect world of home schooling would work? I'd do it apart from.... oh yes.... my work......

Jamie Oliver would personally cook all school lunches, which would be served on proper plates, on tables with tablecloths and only cost 20p per day. Parents would continue to have the option to supply their own Greggs sausage roll and chocolate bar packed lunch.

Cameron Macintosh would produce the school productions. He would still get complaints about the size of little Johnny's role.

Dame Kelly Holmes would be head of PE, but the children would not be expected to participate if they didn't feel like it.

Uniform would have 3 tiers, formal (hat, tie and blazer), regular (polo shirt and Asda trousers) and casual (whatever you want). Parents pick and mix their prefered uniform. Girls would be expected to wear shorts under their skirts in case someone sees their knickers. They would be expected to wear tights too - in case someone sees their special shorts.