The ideal school...

[alistron1]

Wouldn't have young teachers, (in fact it wouldn't have teachers at all - we all know they are work shy feckers... it would be staffed by proper grown ups),
it would have carrot washing and peeling built into the school day,
would be open for 365 days a year 'cos the hols are very inconvenient and teachers get too many of them,
it would have separate changing rooms with ensuite bathrooms for all kids so that their dignity can be preserved,
it would have enough staff so that every child could be helped to put their trousies on the right way after PE,

I am building my application for the MN Free School/Academy AIBU??

[Limejelly]

There will be a hired gunman on site to shoot at will at the first sign of a fox. Or any other wild life for that matter.

[LineRunner]

There will be an emergency helipad on the school roof in case of extreme grazing or chafing.

[alistron1]

The gunman will also take out common people from rough areas. And smokers.

[LineRunner]

Dinner ladies will be required to have Oxbridge Firsts in Science.

[Limejelly]

LineRunner

[AbigailS]

"Instead of trained first aiders we will have a fully staffed A+E department to deal with all bumps/bruises". Yes but noone will do anything without phoning mum for consent so she can be there as well.

[alistron1]

All 'educational executives' will have open facebook pages so that parents can rightly judge them on their personal lives.

[Andrewofgg]

How about a co-educational remake of Dotheboys Hall?

Pack 'em away and forget about them!

[sneakybeak]

All children will have a dedicated female 'suncream applier'. In winter she will be a 'hat/glove/scarf' donner.

She will also count all items in and out each session.

[Andrewofgg]

How about a co-educational remake of Dotheboys Hall?

Pack 'em away and forget about them!

[alistron1]

Sneaky, we will also need a rickets consultant.

[youarekidding]

LMAO

There will be waterproofs, wellies and thermals provided for everychild in case it rains or temperature drops below 5°c and they absolutely must in an emergency go outside.

[MigratingCoconuts]

only children of compliant parents would be allowed in....parents who understand that teachers actually do know what they are talking about and don''t resort to a snotty email at the drop of an ill-informed hat.

Oh and parents who can use the words 'sorry' and 'thank you' when appropriate.

[AbigailS]

Headlice will be banned. They wouldn't dare cross the threshold!

[alistron1]

The dinner ladies will do silver service.

[youarekidding]

Abi

[beanandspud]

All school plays/assemblies will be repeated morning, afternoon and evening to allow all members of the family to attend at the most convenient time. There will be separate areas for parents with other young children, parents who want to stand and video the entire event, parents who just want to see their own child and then leave, and parents who want to sit quietly and watch.

[AbigailS]

Some parents would like this one -
On a more negative note; parents have the right to come in and shout at or threaten the teachers if they don't get their own way. ?????

[LineRunner]

Even basic science subjects will be taught by Professor Brian Cox.

[youarekidding]

Oh there will be no 'reading books' with just pictures in, they don't show off how well little Johnny and his 13 mnoth old sister can read.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

Nitty Norah, the Nit Nurse will make a welcome return. But she won't be rough this time around

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

And she will treat the Nits herself.

[Nanny0gg]

All school plays/assemblies will be repeated morning, afternoon and evening to allow all members of the family to attend at the most convenient time. There will be separate areas for parents with other young children, parents who want to stand and video the entire event, parents who just want to see their own child and then leave, and parents who want to sit quietly and watch.
And an area with full mobile phone signal and wifi so they can catch up with emails and gossip important calls.

[Nanny0gg]

Nitty Nora will be able to multi-task and also deal with threadworms, ringworm and impetigo.

[AbigailS]

The head teacher will phone each parent personally to check they've got the relevant information that is on the school newsletter, class newsletter and website, just in case anything slips through the net.