The ideal school...

[alistron1]

Wouldn't have young teachers, (in fact it wouldn't have teachers at all - we all know they are work shy feckers... it would be staffed by proper grown ups),
it would have carrot washing and peeling built into the school day,
would be open for 365 days a year 'cos the hols are very inconvenient and teachers get too many of them,
it would have separate changing rooms with ensuite bathrooms for all kids so that their dignity can be preserved,
it would have enough staff so that every child could be helped to put their trousies on the right way after PE,

I am building my application for the MN Free School/Academy AIBU??

[LineRunner]

All school trips to Paris, Rome and New York will be free.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

School will let those parents of nervous children hang around in the classroom all day during the first week of term, and the parents of not-nervous children will be able to leave them all day from the first day of term

[alistron1]

Limejelly, that's a genius idea. Teachers will also come round and get the kids ready for school AND do the school run.

[LynetteScavo]

Uniform will be available in every supermarket for 20p or less, be fashionable, practical and flattering and have reflective strips on all items.

[Limejelly]

Having a slight cold will be a perfectly good excuse reason to not do P.E for a month!

(sorry I'm on a roll )

[SanctiMoanyArse]

'Blair stated that 75% of pupils should be above average. I assume he meant to push the remaining 25% into failing so badly the average was lowered. (assuming he meant mean, median that could never be true, mode it could happen)

'that's where full inclusion and closing expensive SNU schools comes in to play dontcha know! Tsk*.




The school should simultaneously manage to be fully inclusive and right on without having any challenging needs present.It must ensure that all children are culturally fluent without ever mentioning religion in case dc are brainwashed, and every teacher (sorry, education exec, no teachers right? ) must be tested in their psychic prowess so to know exactly what reading scheme / etc the parent prefers. The ed execs must be available on the telephone at all times whilst never lraving the children unattended and never ever fall sick or pregnant or have an ill family member: in particular death is expressly prohibited.

All ed execs should be exempt from employment legislation re breaks / contracts. It wold be best if they pay the parents for the honour of teaching their childen.



(actually no I am not a teacher, just astounded at the demands of some parents in our largely over priveledged ccatchment)

[alistron1]

LOL Lynette - but not on any undercrackers...we must preserve dignity.

[AbigailS]

David Bailey as school photographer, so every shot is PERFECT and all school photographs are free.

[alistron1]

Sancti, I think you should write the application!!!

[LynetteScavo]

Every teacher would hear each child read for ten minutes every day. As there will only be 20 children in each class this will only take 3.5 hours.

[LineRunner]

No child will be weighed, because their personal trainers will have organised their exact nutritional-exercise balance each morning whilst waking the child with spangle dust and fairy bells as Mother sleeps in.

[alistron1]

Stephen Speilberg will film every school production and issue a free DVD to all parents.

[LineRunner]

All must have prizes.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

There will be no homework, or perhaps lots of homework

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

There will be no competitive sport, or no competitive sport

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

or lots of competitive sport

[alistron1]

There will be no SATs or pressure on the kids but we will be at the top of all league tables. And Ofsted will love us.

[Limejelly]

Despite only being back a week and a half every child should have been Star of the Week by now. If not the patents should definitely come in and complain. Loudly.

[AbigailS]

We'll be so amazing OFSTED won't bother with us.

[LineRunner]

All Chairs of Governors will be CEOs of major corporations with at least 40 hours a week spare to spend on dealing with parental complaints about splintery fenceposts whilst setting a rather complicated million-pound budget.

[Limejelly]

Parents*

[alistron1]

Instead of trained first aiders we will have a fully staffed A+E department to deal with all bumps/bruises.