Reality in the adverts Vs real life

[chunkythighs]

None of this happens in my life.....

• Clothes come out of the washing machine both clean and ironed.

*On the off chance that they are not shiny white, a complete stranger lands in your kitchen with a childrens chemistry set and tells you that you're doing it wrong. You won't scream as for some reason you kind of expected this...

*All men wake up with clean shaven faces and head off to the bathroom to shave. They also like to caress the same face after the 'shave'.

*Discovering that your kitchen has been flooded (helllooo limescale), you will lose the ability to let your voice and lips move in sync.

*Baking with a number of children is a relaxing experience.

*Children always leave a thick encrusted ring of mud after having a bath- you don't mind, in fact you just raise a quizzical eyebrow and a smirk. (After all you did insist on having a complete white room I guess).

Will be adding more.

If you don't have an iphone, you have an extra few hundred quid in the bank and a perfectly usable normal phone.

Spraying Lynx on you will be used as a lure to slightly dodgy looking young women, rather than a olfactory warning to keep anyone over 19 as far away as humanly possible.

Duracell, because nicking the batteries from your kids toys at 11pm for your rabbit is just not cricket.

If you are constipated, shitting in your handbag might work (or have I misunderstood the message behind the Senokot ad?)

All French women are very young and unhinged. They throw things, sulk and have major tantrums, which can always be sorted out with a snog from a topless, unshaven, young French man, and maybe some chocolate.

'Larger ladies' do not appear in public. They do not drive new cars, rollerskate, sunbathe, mop floors, moisturise, experience constipation, exclaim at washing or drape themselves in baths eating chocolate bars. Their social life involves sitting about with other large ladies in massive bras chortling about how supportive they are.

A cardboard tub with about 4 small pieces of chicken and some baked beans in it is considered enough for a family meal. I have never actually experienced the "delights" of a KFC bucket, but whenever I see that advert I always wonder how on earth the content can be considered enough for 4 people. I could probably scoff the lot on my own!
Also, if it has a sciency sounding bullshit made up word in it (think Bifidus Digestivum, or my personal favourite, the Pro Argin toothpaste formular), it's official IT MUST WORK!!

Thought of some more: women actively sit around in cafes telling their friends in a loud voice about their constipation problems, and their friends, instead of running away screaming, continue eating their cakes, and miraculously also have a remedy in their handbag.
Also, Dolmio will give you a real taste of traditional Italy, despite the fact that it says on the screen that it is made in the Netherlands

Old people are either a) slightly bonkers and think they can knit breakfast cereal, b) rather glamorous and using disability aids even though they are able-bodied or c) Michael Parkinson

d) Michael Winner

Disabled and/or elderly ladies always wear a swimming costume when they have a bath.

When a fit young man fancies you and has just copped a sight of your knickers, due to your skirt getting caught in the lift, he's going to fancy you even more when he spots the packet of TenaLady right at the top of your handbag.

• People get £150 for their old mobile
• People with dentures live on a diet of corn on the cob and spare ribs
• People don't use toothpaste when they brush their teeth
• People walk around with headbands with lightbulbs on
• A bag of Haribo is enough to infect a family with St Vitus' Dance and an as-yet-unnamed Singing Disease
• Borrowing £100 at 4000% apr is a really good idea
• An iPhone and iPad are essential pieces of kit without which no-one can ever do anything
• Becoming a driving instructor will make you fabulously wealthy
• 50 year old women are really playful with their dishcloths, particularly when their husband compliments their clothing
• The rattle of a packet of paracetomol will be enough to remedy a woman's libido and make her want to sleep with a man who's already having it off with at least 2 of her friends
• Flavoured tea is only good for painting pretty pictures with
• You want to wring out kitchen towel and re-use it
• People take advice on car insurance from: tap dancing eejits, meerkats, moustachioed opera singers, nodding dogs and a man with a Lord Nelson complex
• If you eat chilli con carne your home will be invaded by hugely stereotypical Mexican banditos
• If you eat at Harvester you will be accosted by staff so bored they've had to make up a very bad type of half-rap

Cooking... Rice must be prepared by lobbing a plastic pouch into a geyser; unscrewing a jar of sauce means you end up with the cast of a Kung-fu film in your kitchen; popping the top off a milk bottle will make you a target for feral cats; chicken cooked in a plastic bag full of powder is both socially acceptable and delicious; fiery Michelin-starred chefs really do squash stock cubes into their dishes.

The name Dr Oetker suggests home baking and Italian trattoria, not a patent verruca cure or sinister wartime Gestapo agent (in the manner of Herr Flick).

JLS practice their masturbating technique as a team while holding onto a long stick called a "wee".

People eat tiny pieces of pizza with a FORK

Vacuum cleaners do not make a noise. They are pushed around pastel-hued rooms silently, by equally silent, smiling or faceless women in beige slacks.

No-one ever has a shouty conversation with their partner/child/visitor over the roar of the hoover. No-one's dog ever has to be removed from the room to prevent it attacking the hoover either.

Cats and dogs sit perfectly still whilst you apply flea stuff. Then march off happily and sit in their basket. Owner smiles smugly, even though wearing beige slacks.
My cat has not seen these adverts, therefore she still savages me and hides under the bed giving out evils.

"- People take advice on car insurance from: tap dancing eejits, meerkats, moustachioed opera singers, nodding dogs and a man with a Lord Nelson complex"

That has just really made me laugh

If you eat a normal yoghurt, your hair will look like shit, you will look as ugly as sin, and will wince when you eat your youghurt (who fucking does that? Yogs are not as sour as lemons fgs).

HOWVER if you but a super duper smooth Frenhc yog, miraculously your hair will be washed ans styled, you will look beautiful and happy and it will make you smile.

The miraculous power of adding sugar to yoghurt!

Women breastfeed with their child stuffed in their armpit, and only ever in the mid afternoon. Never at 3am with bed-head and crying their eyes out because it's the child's 5th feed in 4 hours.

I asked my dentist what a "Pro Argin" was. She said "A made up thing on an advert to make you buy their toothpaste.

I am loving this thread!

Bank clerks work in radio stations...

If you murder your husband, get drenched in blood, sweat and possibly grass, you need Ariel.

Laser eye surgery leaves you with perfect vision and not at all half blind in one eye...