Reality in the adverts Vs real life

[chunkythighs]

None of this happens in my life.....

• Clothes come out of the washing machine both clean and ironed.

*On the off chance that they are not shiny white, a complete stranger lands in your kitchen with a childrens chemistry set and tells you that you're doing it wrong. You won't scream as for some reason you kind of expected this...

*All men wake up with clean shaven faces and head off to the bathroom to shave. They also like to caress the same face after the 'shave'.

*Discovering that your kitchen has been flooded (helllooo limescale), you will lose the ability to let your voice and lips move in sync.

*Baking with a number of children is a relaxing experience.

*Children always leave a thick encrusted ring of mud after having a bath- you don't mind, in fact you just raise a quizzical eyebrow and a smirk. (After all you did insist on having a complete white room I guess).

Will be adding more.

Those female friends who come round apparently to visit your newborn baby are actually only here to judge you on the state of your toilet. That one thing determines your entire worth, they will make no exceptions for you just having had your newborn. And obviously this only reflects on you and not your dp. These is what good friends do.

When you change a nappy, the baby, always topless, will smile and giggle while bathed in a golden light (rather than rolling messily in the shitstorm created in its nappy, having exploded all up the back of an already slightly grey and baggy babygro, screaming merry hell).

I would love nappy and baby wipe adverts to show a few real life nappy change shockers!

Mackeral

I find gin or Stoli works better for me and a steak

If you are having trouble getting your baby to sleep BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO CLOSE THE FECKING CURTAINS a squirt of something in a purple bottle will knock them out for a good 12 hours.

What is it, chloroform?

Love that link bullet!

this needs to be classic'd - bloody hysterical

If you have perfect skin and one weird red spot in the middle of one cheek, use Clearasil and you will not only lose the spot but gain loads of friends and a social life in the process.

Brilliant thread! Especially this one:
- if a shop assistant is sneering at you for wearing a ridiculous woolly hat and daring to aspire to a pair of fuck-me shoes, removing said hat and swishing a frankly alarmingly unnatural red dye job at her will show the bitch who's queen. Wonderful!

When you roll up a fajita, but forget to fold up the bottom bit first, all the stuff doesn't fall out.

The friends of the patronising cow who serves them yoghurt and calls them "Laaydiz", don't feel the urge to punch her in the tits.

The friends of the grey-rooted woman don't realise that it's really talcum powder; everyone applies hair dye wearing a white jumper, and giggles hysterically because the foam doesn't fall on the floor when you turn your hand upside down; all female friends walk down the street in threes, in slow motion and the middle one continually turns right to left to right to left, gurning and head bobbing.

faverolles that made me laugh!

Every bar, pub, club or restaurant you go to will be full of young, slim, beautiful people, tastefully dressed, having witty conversations whilst all drinking the same drink. Advertisers have obviously never been to Stevenage on a Friday night.

You take huge delight in absolutely everything. Opening a website makes you gasp with glee. Tasting a new product makes your eyes open wide with amazement. Taking washing from the machine makes you marvel in merriment. And the things shampoo can do to a girl, well, best left unsaid.

Test driving a new car will transport you to completely empty roads winding through the mountains and across the plains, down deserted French avenues with autumn leaves whooshing up as you sail past. Even if you live in Slough.

Sarah Haskins says it better than I could.

In adverts you can always park right outside the shop you are going to.

I think this is the ideal opportunities for MN-ers to collaborate and produce the most realistic advert ever.

Mummies always go to sleep/wake up, get into/out of shower wearing full make up, which hasnt smudged all over their face. I want some like that please.

You can send your kids out to play in the mud, wearing white clothes, because certain washing powders are so good the will get the clothes sparkly white using cold water and a 30 minute wash cycle

Fluffy white cats eating brown cat food in gravy stay fluffy white

A man dressed as a giant hot dog leaps out at you in a cinema foyer and you feel compelled to share your medical issues.

As a mother the only thing that matters in your life is whether or not your child eats it's vegetables. Fact.

Mumsnet Advert - Soap Powder

[Early evening. Scene opens on a pissed-off looking, slightly grubby 11 year old boy hollering down the stairs...]

'Muuuuuum! Have you seen my football kit? It's PE tomorrow!'

[Cut to mother, sitting with laptop, glass of red in one hand, picking a chin spot.]

'Oh shit.' 'Well if you would put your clothes in the basket once in a while we wouldn't have this problem, would we?'

[Mother stomps up stairs with big blue Ikea laundry bag]

[Cut scenes, showing mother entering various untidy bedrooms, trying to scrape enough colours together for a full load.]

[Cut to kitchen. Mother creakingly kneels down in front of washing machine and stuffs it full of ageing, slightly faded clothes. Last minute pocket-check reveals three bits of lego which she flings behind her, a sticky boiled sweet with her blows on and bungs in her mouth, and a fiver in dad's trousers, which she tucks into her bra]

[Enter small girl]

'Muuuuuum! I want a drink!'
'Well, there's water in the tap.'
'Nooooo I want a milkshake.'
'Well you'll have to wait a minute I'm busy'
'But muuuuum I'm thirsty'

[Mother sighs, stands up, puts powder in machine and switches it on. Turning, she steps on the discarded lego and swears loudly. Little girl looks shocked and runs to tell brother what Mummy said]

[Mother returns to laptop and starts an AIBU thread about whether it would be really decedant to buy lots of spare football kits. She name changes and starts another about swearing in front of children]

Slogan - 'Mumsnet Washing Powder! Because It's Quite Cheap and Doesn't Bring Anyone Out In A Rash!'

When your period arrives you don't reach for the "1000-wash grey" big knickers and a hot water bottle...oh, no.... you reach for your skimpiest shorts, roller blades and headphones and skate away into the sunshine.

One Shit can save your wedding dress.

Psammead - brilliant

psammead

If you're on a private plane and constipated, one Senakot will cure the problem before you have to descend for landing. You emerge smiling with relief

Would love to inject some reality into the newborn baby doll adverts as well.

bloody briliant thread i have been snorting like a loon!

psammead that was fantastic

If you have taken a laxative that works overnight, then your cat will definitely still sleep on your bed all night right next to your bum.

All babies are giggly and wide awake when being nappy changed. Now granted, my DC1 is due in seven weeks, but from having looked after other people's children my exepriences seem to involve lots of screaming, kicking and, in the case of boys, pissing on the ceiling.

A pint of Strongbow makes it worth carrying a sofa up fourteen flights of stairs.

Petit Filous will make your children strong enough mentally to defeat any obstacle and strong enough physically to beat chldren clearly several years older than them at arm wrestling.