Reality in the adverts Vs real life

[chunkythighs]

None of this happens in my life.....

• Clothes come out of the washing machine both clean and ironed.

*On the off chance that they are not shiny white, a complete stranger lands in your kitchen with a childrens chemistry set and tells you that you're doing it wrong. You won't scream as for some reason you kind of expected this...

*All men wake up with clean shaven faces and head off to the bathroom to shave. They also like to caress the same face after the 'shave'.

*Discovering that your kitchen has been flooded (helllooo limescale), you will lose the ability to let your voice and lips move in sync.

*Baking with a number of children is a relaxing experience.

*Children always leave a thick encrusted ring of mud after having a bath- you don't mind, in fact you just raise a quizzical eyebrow and a smirk. (After all you did insist on having a complete white room I guess).

Will be adding more.

You need to understand advertese

"bloating" means farting

"slow digestive transit" means constipation

So if you can't shit but fart all the time, Martine McCutcheon is what you need.

You will spend £5 on a whitener that doesn't work to use on your DCs school polo shirts when they are £3 for 3 in the shops.

and if you aren't using said Denture fix stuff, whilst on the big wheel together, your Dentures could fall right out of your mouth and clamp themselves onto the head of an innocent passer by.

Carol Vorderman is likable, credible and trustworthy......

I also detest the smug Emirates adverts on Sky before the weather, but noticed they dropped the sugar/snow one. (maybe because it looked suspiciously like cocaine, not that I'm suggesting that anyone who could afford to fly First-Class with Emirates would ever entertain titivating their nostrils whilst cruising at 30,00-ft...)

Everyones garden looks perfect apart from the grass?
Or it's just the weeds,

Lw

You go out to lunch with your friends (in a scene channelling Sex and The City) and the only topic of conversation is the constipation one of you is suffering from.

Yes I have been known to talk utter shit while with my mates but not you know, literally. I don't think I have ever discussed my bowel habits with anyone other than MWs.

I menstruate blue liquid. My baby also wee's blue liquid.

People in love must have pillow fights. Fact.

Love the blood-covered children!

My pet hate is how people in adverts only ever have one issue. Either the floor is dirty or the fridge stinks. The countertops are never piled with bills, bits of paper you've got to recycle, two half-done lists (one of them lost in the rubble), things you can't recycle but there's no room for them in the bin, documents you've got to send someone recorded so can't just pop them in the post, receipts which need to be saved to claim expenses, laptop in sleep mode so MNing can be resumed immediately the family piss off. Only in Ikeaworld are storage and clutter matters addressed, but in such a way as to still have an organised life with no issues.

The work that is still required by labour-saving devices is not acknowledged, either. I love having a dishwasher, and use it too much, but I hate the bastard job of emptying it. Ditto the washing machine. Ready meals come in packaging that can't be recycled, so it goes in the bin - oops, bin is full.

I am currently missing our vehicle registration form (again) and a stack of bills that I need to do things with before filing them. (not pay them, thank goodness).

Also, in adverts, people communicate. Verbally. No gazing at a screen (whether computer, gameboy, mobile or TV) in an adult version of parallel play. Time spent at home alone, abandoned by DH and DCs is always exciting/blissful, instead of sometimes lonely and boring.

When wearing perfume its very important to talk non nonsensical bullshit talk in riddles. 'I am tall, when I'm small, I am happy when I cry'. Perfume smells best when when staring gormlessly into the sky and slow skipping in a park. If perfume is really expensive-Go back to your Parisian apartment and remove all your clothes.

Women care about the softness of their underarm skin.

sums the adverts up.

Sweets prompt you and your family to have a spontaneous karaoke session, singing along to the advert jingle you conviently have in your car CD player.

If you have a wii, ALL your friends and family will come and play games communally and you will all have a great time. And for some reason if you're playing the dancing game you will also have disco lights in your living room.

The guy who cleans the windows on office buildings is ridiculously good looking and toned, and likes to take his top off (he is on no account a surly pudgy man in layers of clothing)

bullet

Cows want to be horses.

Everyone who produces a dairy product has a pastiche West Country accent.

Fruit shoots make your DCs behave in an astonishingly mature and intelligent fashion.

Am still waiting.

(Remember those ads when they first came out? )

That fucking annoying wankery Haribo ad; No poncing around an open bag here, it's every Twit for themselves.

Anyone who has a meal with chips only has about twelve of them. Then spends the whole time inventing oh-so-funny ways to steal chips off other people's plates. Just give yourself a sensible amount to start with you moron

Herbal Essences guarantees an orgasm every time.

Vibrant red hair stays vibrant and perfectly coiffed in the rain and during momentous swirling and twirling.

Both of mine are about hair and orgasms.

Bad hair day and lacking orgasms, YES!

Nutella is a healthy start to the day

I like that one

Cocoa Pops are the ideal thing to give the kids after school.

If you buy a half price kitchen, bathroom, sofa or bedroom, you will have an unfeasibly enormous room in which to place them.

Sitting alone eating salad is an irrepressiblyjoyful experience.