Overheard in a change room yesterday

[Jacksmania]

A mum telling her daughter that the style of dress she was trying on was called "UMPIRE waist".

I'm sorry, I know I'm a total caaaahhhh, but I was and and covering my mouth to keep from laughing.

What have you overheard (not necessarily in a change room) that made you :o?

Poor Keith!

Similar sympathy needed for Lawrence in Sainsburys yesterday:

Lawrence: I thought I'd do that pizza with the basil on tonight, Kate
Kate: God, you're fucking stupid.
Lawrence: What have I done now?
Kate: I told you that made you fart! And if you don't want me to be rude to you, don't make me come fucking shopping on fucking Saturday.
Lawrence: Sorry.

I nearly suggested she stop swearing in front of my DD!

swimming pool changing rooms, mum with v. young baby and approx 4 year old DS came in and went into a family cubicle to change.
"Mummy?"
"yes"
"your tummy is all floppy now that you haven't got the baby in there keeping it up"
"oh"
you could have heard a pin drop.

Swimming pool changing rooms bring out the best in children don't they?
When we moved to Switzerland, I took DD swimming. Afterwards we had a shower in the big communal type one. DD looked around and said, in a pre grommet big loud voice, Mum, those ladies are different to you. They don't have any fur on their banjos.

lol at 'Sorry I'm late for my interview, but I've had rather a lot to drink'."- how did the receptionist react?

And Kate sounds like she got out of bed the wrong side that morning :o

Another swimming pool one, when DS was about 20 months and in the playpen of the cubical "Mummy why do you have fluff there" in a very loud voice! Hmmm, I wonder why I now hide flabby belly, fluffy fanjo and other things that could cause great embarrassment from a loud DS. [hgrin]

Discussing the inappropriate use of language by her son with a mother in school.
'Yeah, well, we do swear a bit, like 'get up them stairs you little fucker' But I never thought he'd be fucking swearing in school the little sod'

Ummm

Do some people really talk to children like that?

and just for the register I'm no angel, I am regularly a shouting, cross, grumpy mummy and sometimes not nice to DS :( But the casual swearing is a revelation!

Many parents do, and it is so much a part of their lives that they don't see anything strange in having a conversation like that with a helpful teacher in school.

I once had a parent-teacher meeting with a difficult boy and his difficult mum. Difficult step-dad was in prison for GBH so mum brought difficult lesbian partner with her instead. Said partner lit up a fag in my classroom! I was just summoning up the courage to say something, when the child said "Fuck's sake- you can't fucking light up in here!" The mum said "Stop swearing!"

Having lunch in a pub recently - on the next table was a young man, with his baby DD, who was having lunch with his parents. He started to tell them a story about his DD's 'bibs and Muslims', the phrase being repeated a few times. His dad didn't appear to have noticed what his DS was saying but I could see the mum struggling to keep a straight face

Old neighbour used to drive her son to nursery. It's a five min walk. I told her she should maybe walk. Her response was
"I suppose it would save on h2o emissions"

Ds in cubicle at swimming
"don't look at me mummy"
"MUMMY!!! Don't look!!! It's really weird!!!!". He was 3

Another time, a girl at nursery had just had a baby sister. She told ds the baby came out of her mummys tummy. Ds responded by saying "don't be silly, babies come out of ginas!" loudly in front of everyone. I had to later explain that,in this case and some cases women have a c section

years ago ds3 drew on the staircase wall ......H was furious he yelled and made ds try and scrub it off,Ds3 was trying but it just wouldnt lift and the wallpaper was taking a battering.

H wouldnt let him leave.

So I deliberately distracted H by showing him my boobs whilst ds3 wasnt (I thought, looking)

Ds3 made his escape .

Next day on taking ds1 and 2 to school Ds3 told the headmistress and the school priest 'I was naughty last night,I drew on the wall Daddy was cross but Mummy showed him her boobies and it was ok.

The head said 'isnt your mummy kind'.

DH heard this in a changing room, while he was waiting for me:

woman Trying on a dress: Do you like it?
man: Yeah - it's nice.
boy: Mummy, mummy
woman: Shhhh, mummy's talking, (to husband) Do you think it suits me?
man: Yeah, it suits you
boy: Mummy, mummy!
woman: Not now, I'm talking to Daddy. (To husband) You don't think it make my bum look big?
man: No (he really couldn't've cared less according to DH).
boy: Mummy, mummy!!
woman: WHAT? (really cross and irritated)
boy: Your arms look fat.

DH said he had to do his best not to burst out laughing.

If you were in Bristol Ikea toilets one evening last week you would have seen a very desperate new mum. Buggy laden with shopping, loo with a kiddies seat to allow you to pee in comfort had a lovely little poo on it!! Braved a normal cubicle with DD slung over one shoulder so jeans and panties could be shimmied down, why I decided to wear the skin tight jeans with no stretch, I dont know. getting on with my business, DD is waving at the motion sensing flush, not a very nice thing at all, cold water goes all over my bot, then I notice no loo roll, hell on earth holding DD trying to pull these jeans back on one handed over a wet bot. I was trying to lean against the cubicle wall to get some compression going on, ended up having to waddle out of the cubicle and ask for help. I don't know what they thought was going on, but when I came out with DD over my arm, they did chuckle. Sooo embarrased, she's 6mo so know there is much worse to come.

I can't cope when people say "Embroidery Anglaise" instead of "Broiderie Anglaise"

oh kellstar, nightmare!

No, I don't think there is - once they are old enough to stand and understand instructions of "don't touch anything" going for a wee while out and about gets much easier

why wsn't your dd in the buggy though?

I was in the loo once pre children and laughing at a wee girl who had this conversation with her mum:

Girl: mum I'm doing a poo
Mum: (quietly) good girl
Girl: (grunting) its a really BIG one
Mum: ok hurry up darling
Girl: its still in my bum mummy AND its touching the water too - it. Is. Enormorous.
(Girl stands up)
Mum: turn round so I can wipe you
Girl: (indignantly) I'm not finished mummy I just got off to have a look so I can tell daddy about it later
Mum: dies of shame!

I now have kids so have a few corkers of my own:

At fish counter:
Ds: are those fish dead mummy?
Me: yes
Ds: who did it? Who killes them? (Looking around accusingly)
Me: the fisherman
Ds; is that (pointing at fishmonger) the fisherman?? Did he kill them?
Me: erm no...
Ds: (ignoring me) well that's not nice is it mummy? It isn't nice to kill things is it? He is a BAD MAN! You shouldn't chop things up and kill them mummy.
(Pauses for a minute)
Ds: are you getting any fish for tea mummy? I like eating chopped up dead things, I like eating chopped up dead things (he then sung this all thje way round tesco)

Another one in a cafe not long after having dd

Ds: why is your tummy still big?
Me: errrr
Ds: cos you said it was cos the baby was in it but its come out the special tunnel thingy now and its still big. It actually is. (Folded arms in a 'end of' way)
Me: thanks ds.

DS hasn't done this to me yet, but it's only a matter of time, especially as he's another lock-opener on the loo cubicle door.
DoingTheBest - I did snigger out loud at your one but partly in sympathy!

One day I will get pay back for my own mother-embarrassment - in the shopping trolley, so facing backwards, I said to my Mum "mummy, what's wrong with that man's face?" Mum, cringing and mortified, didn't want to look round in case there was some poor soul with a nasty scar or deformity or something, but when she did sneak a peek she saw a man with a huge bushy ginger beard, grinning broadly.

DH and DS were coming out the men's loos.

DS (to random stranger entering the loos): You can do poos or wees in the toilets. I've just done a poo. Are you going to do a poo or a wee?

Another time I was in the loos with DD2. As we left the cubicle, DD turned to the queue, and said, "Mummy's just done a poo. Well done Mummy. Hooray". What's more, some of the queue joined in with her round of applause.

One of my sons asked to see my tummy. He said "it's just like a marshmellow". "You need to go on 'The Biggest Loser'"

Thanks son!

My neighbour was at a church social do and happened to be wearing hipsters. She sat down on the steps and obviously a little bum cleavage was showing. Cue her 7 year old DS shouting from the other side of the place, "Mum! I can see your bumhole!"

At a christening a couple of years ago. "Auntie Julie! Auntie Julie! My mummy says you are stuck up. How do you get stuck up? Can you sit down?"