Overheard in a change room yesterday

[Jacksmania]

A mum telling her daughter that the style of dress she was trying on was called "UMPIRE waist".

I'm sorry, I know I'm a total caaaahhhh, but I was and and covering my mouth to keep from laughing.

What have you overheard (not necessarily in a change room) that made you :o?

On a train with DS who was studying the route map on the wall.
DS "I didnt know you could get a train to Scotland"
Me" How did you think you got there?"
DS " I dunno, a boat?"
Me" Noooo, you do know where Scotland is don't you?"
DS" OF COURSE" (indignant)

Man next to us starts pissing self laughing

Further conversation between DS and friend.
Friend "He lives on one of those boats"
DS " Oh yeah, a canoe"

Man def pissing self laughing

Me"Jaysus" I swear he is intelligent, honest.

DP heard a dickhead on the coach trying to chat up a Polish girl "we are driving through the New forest now, it's called the New forest because it was only built in the 2nd World war, i'm not a naturist or nuffink luv, but I hate fake forests"

DS is nearly two and calls his bits his "diggle". Whenever his nappy comes off we're treated to him singing the diggle song, this basically consists of him warbling "diggle diggle diggle diiiiiiiiigle" in various tones at top volume while giggling. Coming out of the baby change in town he grinned at an old lady who stopped to chat to him, he pointed to the baby change behind us and started jabbering "my diggle ... in there ... diggle!". I cringed and pretended I had no idea what he was talking about.

I overheard two ladies on the bus, one telling the other that her daughter's friend "likes men and women, she's one of those bio's".

My 10yo brother to my mum: "when will I get my periods?"

We're in the middle of a clearance sale as we're closing down. On Thursday morning I was greeted by a knobend standing in our arcade telling his friend all about what a scam these sales are and how the "sale" will just run and run and run for months to try and get people through the door and we'll never actually close.

You might want to tell that to all the staff who are losing their jobs in August mate!

I get quite a few though in my job, the two most spectacular are actually from a colleague.

"White Gold doesn't actually exist you know, it's yellow gold that's been plated." (she's half right, it doesn't exist in nature, it's an alloy of yellow gold and white metal and some companies then plate it with Rhodium to make it sparkle)

"No, that company doesn't use Sterling Silver, their silver comes from Mexico." (when I later pointed out to her that Sterling is a fineness mark, like 9ct gold she told me I was wrong. We have a sign up on the wall explaining this)

@ when will I get my periods

I bet Keith isn't allowed bananas because they sotto voce bung him up...

Customer in the shop I used to work in, discussing her holidays with the manager: 'Last year I went to see the Blackpool hallucinations but I think I'll try somewhere different this year.'

Overheard at funfair on Tuesday
Small boy (about 4) ' Dad, I want to go on the fucking dodgems'
Dad - ' Manners Jake! Say fucking please'

I was in a hospital cubicle at A&E with DS3 who was waiting silently to get his tiny wound under his chin glued, the room actually had 2 cubicles divided by a curtain - why is it this is meant to mean you cant HEAR as well as see

Doctor came back and said he would only be a few minutes, went round the curtain. Straight to the point to the unseen patient "right so youve been stung on the buttocks - turn over and tell me what happened?" Queue a garbled story from man there. Doctor "and youve been using dettol on it??" And so it went on, me and DH could hardly keep a straight face!

Dad - ' Manners Jake! Say fucking please'

You couldn't make it up

poor keith [hsad]

Overheard in A & E in the next cubicle:
Nurse: Who's your next of kin?
Patient: Michael
Nurse: What relation is he?
Patient: Catholic

Overheard in Bromley by Bow Tesco about 20 years ago:
Monique, you're reelly gittin' on mah nerves!

friend told me this one:
Pregnant woman on the bus, obviously explaining the upcoming event.
'So which do you want - a brother or a sister?'
4 year old: No mummy, I want a hedgehog.

Tom (5) has a pack of Maltesers every sunday from FIL for his journey home. Last sunday, granded had forgotten and we were just about to pull away when Tom pipes up, "I need something, and it's called Maltesers!".

My elderly fil on explaining the behaviour of 'yobs' said I dont know why they behave like this its almost as if theyre psychedelic Psychotic dont you mean? asks I - No he said i dont think its voices they hear theyre just bad uns ......

My DS told everyone at school his step dad is a "specific islander"....

(he's a pacific islander)

On a bus sat in front of 2 young girls.

Its not fair how comes she gets child tax credits. I'm gonna complain I should get it as well I mean just cause she has a kid and I dont its discrimating agains me!

I snorted so hard I had to pretend to have a coughing fit

Earlier today MIL and I were congratulating 6 yo DNiece for her stoical tolerance of some pretty rambunctious behaviour from her 3 yo cousin, my DS. MIL says, "Just think of it as good practice for some day when you might have your own little boy." DNiece fixes her with a steely eye and says, "I'm not having a little boy. I'm having a little girl."

In the supermarket behind a woman and her little girl who must have been around 5, the little girl asks quite loudly

'mummy, why do you wear those pants with no bottoms?'

The poor mum looked like this while me and about 10 others tried not to laugh (or check out her pantyline )

Was in the toilets at a club years ago, and a "hen" came out of the cubicle, with daft hat, badge etc and a load of helium balloons tied to the top of her hat. She was very pretty, small and slim. She was washing her hands, when a largish, quite hard-looking woman went up to her and whispered (v loudly) "Can I have a suck on that helium?"
The terrified bride ripped the balloons off her hat, gave them to the woman and said "You can have anything as long as you don't mark my face" :)

to which the woman replied "You can keep your face, love, unless it's made of helium, beer or cock"
What the actual fuck!!?
Brilliant

On the train going past some wind turbines
Small boy : Daddy, what's THAT?!
Dad: Erm,....they're, um, special machines
Boy : what do they DO?
Dad: They make power
Boy : How?
(whole train falls silent as we wait to learn how they work)
Dad : Well, um, your mum understands much better, so why don't we wait until we get home and you can let her? She'd be sad if I told you.

Let her explain, sorry

In the waiting room of a recruitment consultant.

A woman flies in the door and calls over to the reception desk, 'Sorry I'm late for my interview, but I've had rather a lot to drink'.