Please remove your book from my knickers DS

[TheSkiingGardener]

said to my 11 month old who presented me with a book to read to him while I was on the loo.

Any other things you never, ever thought you would say?

I feel compelled to revive this:

"DS3, stop shooting at the neighbours!" - boys out in the garden with their stoopit Nerf guns...

I had another couple this weekend, while away with the kids.

'No, DD, don't stroke your ice cream'

and the following day

'No, DD, don't put DS's tiger in your ice cream'.

[there was quite a lot of ice cream at the weekend]

also - 'No, DD - please don't wee on next door neighbour's caravan'.

and then on tuesday, in a flat panic on cwmbran station surrounding by DS and his 5yr old friend shouting 'oi you stupid bugger', then being parroted by DD and her 2yr old friend 'no, boys. it's 'oi you stupid budgie''.

"DD the word is WEIRDO. It's very rude to call people a PAEDO"
"Well yes weirdo is quite rude too but not as bad as the other thing".

Stop. Eating. The. Bath.

No, that's not your Dada on the television, that's Frasier Crane.

mine thinks that a photo of Stephen King on the spine of a book is his daddy, i guess it's the glasses.

also the distorted face on the cover of Radiohead's 'the bends' cd is apparently daddy too, not seeing that one myself.

My dd this morning

'Mummy, that's picture of you'

'No darling, that's Scarlett Johansson'

'NO! Is Mummy and Daddy (Sean Penn )

'Actually, yes, that does look like Mummy' if she had a face and body transplant

ScrotalPantomime - we used to get DD1 to latch onto our noses and chins too, to check if she was really hungry. But that stopped the day she gave me a fat hickie on my chin!!! We have the photographs to bring out for her 21st.......

Don't touch the hamster cage with your foot, you've got a verruca!

Stop licking each other.

No, you can't take that piece of radiator to playgroup. Leave it there, I think it's important.

It is still there, I know you have just discovered it but it hasn't fallen off since your last nappy change!
To my 25 week old son who has just discovered he's a boy
Why do I sense I'm going to be saying this for a very long time

Stop jabbing the plug socket with your fork and eat your dinner!

This evening I've said to DS:

"no, we don't put chicken in the plug socket"

"hitting me won't make me get my boob out any faster you know!"

"Get your watering can out from under the grill, we're having fish fingers for tea, not watering can".

Please stop rubbing your chewed gammon on the TV.

To DD 21 months old.

Sigh.

no, don't chew Grandad's hammer please DS.

poor boy is teething and apparently the handle looked pretty good.

Yes dear you can wear your sandals in bed.'and your shark fin.'

Said to DS1 as we eventually put him to bed tonight.

This thread is a fantastic read lmao!

I have had the obligatory cubical doors and willy pulling ones and also:

It is not polite to slip the tongue

Take your thumb out of the dogs bum!

Don't bite the dog

please ds if you are going to ride your big sister like a pony could you do it on her back not her tummy and not bother with rising trot, you're frightening me!

errr, the dog is just trying to play horsey on my leg

me: (open front door forgetting I had left buggy under porch so trip over it) Oh Blast!
dd: (3 at the time) It isn't oh Blast Mummy, it's ohh Bugger!
me: No it's not, I need words with Daddy!

I think I could go on and on, there is probably something everyday that I would never have dreamed myself saying when my first was born 6 years ago and I probably have the rest of my life ahead of the same!

No DS, Poo is not a toy.

It was a particularly boisterous nappy change this morning.

Please do not poke my nipple with a spoon.

Fingers + eye = Ouch.

My boob is not a portable object.

Please do not cry, the book has ended the same way every one of the 4000 times I have read it to you. It ends with This is my dinosaur, it's spines are so soft. If you are unhappy with the ending then phone the publisher. (Said to 8.5mo DS3 who was having a tantrum over the ending of the book. )

No, those ladies are not fat because they have eaten all the food in Tesco's, no they won't break the bus when they get on it.

No, I am inclined to think that there is not in fact a tyrannosaurus Rex hiding under your bed, and I am quite sure it is not going to chew your toenails off while you are asleep.

Please do not CHEW my boob.

Do not lick that lady's jumper.

Banana is not hair gel.

No, you cannot take your birthday worm to school.

WHY did you use your chicken-poxy baby brother as a dot-to-dot. OMG that was permanant marker. In blue. I know you were bored because I said you can't go to the park when you have CP, but your baby brother does not double up as a colouring book. Yes, I know you couldn't ask me to get one because I was on the loo and I wouldn't let you in. No, your brother does not look pretty with his chicken-pocks joined up like twinkle stars.

If you bite your own finger it will hurt. Getting angry because it hurts is not something I can help you with - just stop biting it.

Yes, I know the man is so fat that he is taking up two seats on the bus. No I don't know if he paid for an extra ticket because he is using two seats. Can you play 'lets see who can be quiet the longest'.

No, our under-stairs cupboard will NOT turn into the tardis if you paint the door blue with your felt-tips.

No, I cannot buy you the real life Amy Pond for Christmas.

No you cannot have a Dalek as a pet.

NO we are NOT stealing 'just one' penguin from the zoo. No, we can't keep it in the back garden, it will miss it's other friends at the zoo. No that is not a good reason to take ALL of the penguins at the zoo. No, DS2, we cannot move into the zoo so that you can live with the penguins.

No, that man does not have sausages on his head, they are called dreadlocks.

And probably many, many more
.

Take those toast tongs off your winkie this instant! (I was on the phone at the time and caught what he was doing out of the corner of my eye and without thinking bellowed it at him and down the phone.... Cue stunned silence at other end of the phone)

no mum doesn't have milk in her boobs anymore-and even if i did the kitten would not be getting any of it!!

But why did you stand still while painted your head green DD?

No the people in Sainsburys do not want to see mummy's boobs

No don't open the door while mummy is on the loo, the neighbour does not want to see mummy having a wee

Stop eating the cat food, you'll not want any dinner (said almost every day)

No mummys tummy is not called "fat pig" (cue DP choking on his coffee due to trying not to laugh)

No you can't have cereal for lunch/dinner (every meal time)

If you don't like it spit it on to your own plate not mummys

Stop screaming at the cat (another almost daily one)