Please remove your book from my knickers DS

[TheSkiingGardener]

said to my 11 month old who presented me with a book to read to him while I was on the loo.

Any other things you never, ever thought you would say?

"No, its not nice to put rice in your china" (my daughters word for vagina when she couldn't pronounce it properly)

'your bottom hole is not an octohatch and I don't want to see you open it.'

what is an octohatch anyway?

Love this thread!

"no your aeroplane doesn't need washing, especially not in the washing machine"

Why is there buttered bread in your bed?

Get down from the ceiling, slowly.

Who has been making tripwires from wool and safety pins?

No, inside the sofa bed is not a good place to hide, get out before you hurt yourself.

I said you could have a snack, like a cheese string, not the entire block of cheese.

Please stop posting my CDs out of the letterbox.

Please get off of my head.

And many, many more. Thankfully they've pretty much grown out of this kind of stuff now

OMG these are hilarious!

"Yes, thank you for showing me, now could you put it back where you got it from" x10 per day

After accidentally turning the tv on without checking the channel first:
"No darling she called the other woman a short, fat mutt, it's just a type of dog, no, 'slut' isn't really a word. I've never heard it before, have you?"

beryl, lol lol lol

Trinity don't you watch the Octonauts??? [grins] It is the opening to their submarine thingy.

Okay, this one needs to go in Mumsnet Classics.

oooh the octonauts, I have seen that but not lots

Not so much the things I've said (though there have been thousands of them over the years)

I've had to put a wetted teatowel over my finger on practically up my son's bum when he experimented with pepper whilst naked.

I've had to remove chewing gum from same orifice of another son - it went on for ages.

And squeeze my daughter's ears so she could poo.

on = *and. Sheesh.

I've had to encourage a pretend poop so that dd1 could poop out a marble that she had no idea how it had come to be there

and she HAD to do it on the potty because she didn't want to lose the marble down the loo....

"Not right now, Mummy's scraping your sippy cup off my oven racks."

"I found your shoe--it was in the dishwasher"

"That's right darling [aged 15 months], give mummy the hammer"

In my defence, I was putting up some garden trellis and she had been playing at the other end of the garden thereto.

"stop drinking the bath water, your bum has been in it"

"No, Mummy is not prepared to kiss that better. It's where you wee from"

"Stop calling Grandma a bum sandwich, DS"

"Please stop bouncing on my head"

"Stop licking that/running around with that in your mouth/hitting Daddy with that or it's going on top of the fridge until tomorrow"

"No, that man is NOT Daddy"

We have pet chickens so, we have had the following:

"Chickens don't like to trampolene."

"Stop putting pegs on the chicken."

"Who put chicken poo in my wine?"

And the weirdest:

"Take your Gormiti off the chicken."

No, you cannot go for a wee while your sister is on the toilet.

to DS AGED SIX!!!!!!! FGS!

Please don't put tomatoes under your pillow again.

I actually had to make a rule for DS:

"No climbing on touching mummy while I'm going to the loo, until I have finished AND PULLED UP MY KNICKERS".

'sweetie, get out of the washing machine please'

'I am NOT a trampoline, ouch, ouch'

'I don't think your sister wants to eat a lemon' swiftly disproved when she burst into hysterical howls as I took the thing away.

PMSL at the octohatch though!

Wouldn't be so bad but the opening the Octohatch is always accompanied by them singing the theme tune. My sons are very weird creative.

"No, Jasper Conran is not your Daddy"
"dd2 stop playing with dd1's bum"
("Is that a man or a lady?") "That's a lady." ("How do you know it's a lady mummy?") "Cos it's a lady. Come on, walk a bit faster"
"I don't think mummy wants all these toys in her bath"

"I don't think your willy is meant to be wrapped around a pencil"

"Don't use your tongue when you kiss the dog"

stop licking the stones dd (every trip to the beach since she could pick them up, shes now 2 1/2....)
dont lick the mole hill
dont lick the frog
do you see a pattern....

dont eat that..

Your willy doesnt go in there

dont shut your sister in the rabbit run

no i wont kiss your willy better, if you left it alone it wouldnt go 'big' and hurt.

i dont care what does or sayes they are NOT my child therefore they do not have to follow my rules

get that out of your nose

stop snorting after every sentence (dd is an avid peppa fan)

i dont think the rabbit will like your crisps ds

LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES ON!

please dont use my boobs to warm your hands, hands out of mummys top please

yes daddys willy is bigger than yours pulling it wont help you have to be patient... 3mins later... repeat.

oh and calmly discussing nappies/toilet training at meal times.

i could go on all day, the joys of 2 under 4.