Please remove your book from my knickers DS

[TheSkiingGardener]

said to my 11 month old who presented me with a book to read to him while I was on the loo.

Any other things you never, ever thought you would say?

Oh Oli, yesterday we had "Ducks don't eat Skittles!"

'Please don't scratch my face with your toenails'

'Don't eat Cheerios off the floor'

'Your little brother's legs don't bend that way!'

'No, we can't have cake sandwiches for breakfast even if it IS your pretend birthday!'

This thread has made me cry with laughter!

Please stop having wee fights with your brother in the shower, you're 14.

Yes your poo does look like sandals, let's see if we can get it off your feet and down the loo.

I know 'baby dolly hat come off' but it's 4am and I've already put it back on him twice tonight.

To my nephews, before I even got to be a mum:
"because I'm a grown-up and I said so"
"because God made it that way"
"could Old Macdonald have something on his farm other than ladders and curtains?"

Somehow I was deemed fit enough to have own DC, since when:
"you have been fed, you have a clean nappy and the full attention of both your parents; I think the children in the Sahel belt of Africa would say you have NOTHING to complain about"
"this may come as something of a surprise to you but I don't think it's much fun changing pooey nappies at 4 in the morning either"
"it's only a little bit of poo, nobody will notice"
"whatever you do, don't tell daddy I did that"
"you can shout for social services but I don't think they will consider you a priority case"
"no you can't wean on coffee"

And poor mite is only 5mo. Much more to look forward to apparently...

OP should def do a Christmas book from these; fantastic thread.

'no sweetie I don't think you will get a mermaid tail when you're older....oh don't cry...'

'I know grandad said you shouldn't put anything smaller than your elbow up your nose but please stop trying to put your elbow up there'

'no, I don't think keeping that nit as pet is a good idea, yes I know it's very small and could live on your pillow but I'm still not letting you'

'yes, I'm sure it would be very interesting to see a real live skeleton but I still don't think your uncle is going to let you dig up his dog...'

How do we nominate this for MN classics? I still have tears in my eyes and I am actually looking forward to more unusual things that I am going to have to say as my DCs get older.

Please don't put your rice cake down my cleavage

No! Don't wipe your face with that tissue! You just used it to wipe your bum!

No dd, don't open that door, mummy hasn't finished and the ladies outside don't want to see me weeing! (why do they all do that?!)

No dd, I don't need to put 'that cup thing' up my bitty today.

No dd, I didn't hurt you, I'm no where near you, but I will remind you again that if you run around in circles flailing your arms about you will run into things!

And now she's 3 I surprise myself with how regularly I still have to say 'get that out of your mouth!'

classics!

Yay so glad this thread has made classics . I nominated for it!

No darling, Mr Mumford has mucked it up this time. You must have misheard him

It isn't nice to announce 'I'm squeezing one out' at Nanny's dinner table

Please could you be quiet (said to soft toy who is 'singing')

Don't draw gloves on your hands with felt-tip!

Please don't pick up the guinea pig by his fur. You hear that loud squealing? Well that is him saying he doesn't like it.

Ah it's in classics at last :o

Today I said to my DCs "please don't climb through the window yet, I haven't finished sellotaping it"

"Why is the dog green?" (DD2 magic markerd our jack Russell)

"who put the kitten in the toilet?" (Same dd thought the new kitten needed a bath)

"Why did you tell Granny that daddy had ginormous testicles?"

"Stop flashing at the waiter"

Oooooh, it's in classics.

"No, we can't watch CBeebies now, we're in the bank, and thats a cash machine, not a TV"

"I can't conjure slugs out of thin air!"

"He's not a lion, he's a man (with admittedly rather mane-like hair), please stop roaring at him"

"It's not a snail, it's your boy dolls willy, stop trying to pull it off"

"Because a long time ago someone decided to call it a snail/dog/car......"

This morning...

"Do it with your fingers, not your willy !" (using the Ipod Touch)

"No thank you, I don't want to smell your fingers after they've been up your bottom!"

And just now at bath time...

DS: "Look Mummy, I've got a small willy, and Daddy's got a big willy. Have you got a willy?"

Me: "No, ladies and girls don't have willies, do they?"

DS: "Erm, noooo" (thinking face)

DH: "What do ladies and girls have DS?"

DS: "Erm.... DINOSAURS!" (laughs out loud)

"can you take her, I'm posting something on Mumsnet"

"No, you can't bounce naked on the trampoline to see if your willy will flap up and down, DS3" aged 3 - said today

"Just because DS4 will put marbles into his nappy does NOT mean you have to keep giving him more, DS2" aged 14 months and 7 years - also today

Todat in the bath with DD.
'please don't try and tough mummy's noonie'

today and touch

Said to my friend's two year old daughter yesterday (DH had given her his car keys to play with):-

"No, I don't think the dog would like it if you put the car keys up his bottom"

Please don't stand on the side of the trampoline and pee like it's a fire hose, that's NOT where we go