Things you learned the hard way not to do again

[ItsJustAName]

Okay, so I was out and about and needed the loo and popped in to a public toiler. Only when finished did I realise there was no loo roll.

Never fear, I knew I had fresh handypack of hankies in my handbag.

I used one.

Olbas oil infused hankies do not leave you with a pleasant sensation when used as loo roll lol.

If you are going to smoke, and light cigarettes from a gas hob, light the gas ring first, don't

• put cigarette in mouth
• lean over
• start gas
• light fire

you may lose your eyebrows

Also, don't decide to take a nice hot bath when drunk as it will only make it worse and your hangover will be DIRE

If you put a tube of tooth paste and a tube of E45 cream in your toilet bag, jet lag will ensure you brush your teeth with the E45.

I don't think I have ever tasted anything so bad, or long lasting!

Do not put a magnet on the tv screen. It will cost you a lot of money!

Do not drive into the back of a police car, not only will it cost you money but it will also cost you your dignity.

Do not staple your finger for a bet. It hurts.

Oh yes - and don't pull down the car boot door whilst still standing underneath it

Do not, when new to pub job and feisty locals, under any circumstances attempt to serve someone asking for a Guinness shandy.

Or Baileys and lemonade.

Sigh. I was young and naive. Now I'm just old and naive.

Catseverywhere I did that a few weeks ago in heavy rush hour traffic when I was late and in a hurry to pick up a senior manager from somwehere remote in the pitch black cold and rain.

Satnav told me to drive in the opposite direction. I thought it knew a short cut. No. It knew how to take me to the opposite side of town, turn me round then make me drive back through the centre of town where the traffic was heaviest, past the place I orginally left from and THEN out towards the place I should have been going in the first place

Cue one waiting manager with a VERY catsbumface.

Talc and Turnips - yeah - and when you're a naive and attractive 18 year old new to serving in a pub don't fall for all the requests for things from the shleves that require you to bend over in front of them.

Huh. How come all my 'things you learned the hard way' are to do with bending over - maybe I should stop bending over

MakesCakes yes done that one too . Trouble is I usually drive a small car and then when I drive the family car I forget the dimensions are so much bigger and keep getting hurt.

Nosy thanks for sympathy

Don't google dragon butter.

dont get the magnet TV thing?!

I really want to google it. How bad can it be?

some of these have made my toes and fingers curl up eurghhh

yy re hair removal cream and lady garden

do not google dragon butter

grim

or blue waffle for that matter [ throws up ]

I learned to not be careless when leg shaving when one of those legs is mildly injured. When I was 12 I bumped my leg and had a lump/swollen bit on my shin from the knock. In the bath I was examining it and decided it would be a good time to shave my legs for the first time ever. Dad's sharpest razor, a steady hand, a firm grip, press-and-draaaag ... bye-bye lump, hello scarlet bath water. Still got the scar.

Not to drink something just because it's in a pop bottle. Sometimes it's not pop, it's Jeyes fluid.

Never to add "one extra egg" to a cake batter to "try thicken it up". It just makes it taste like a chocolate omelette.

Never to make Nigella's crustless pizza ever again. Disgusting doesn't even begin to cover the taste of pepperoni and cheese on top of what is essential a flat Yorkshire pudding.

Don't google things you see on MN! Hadn't recovered from blue waffle earlier but clearly hadn't learned any lessons.

OMG - blue waffle is soooo much worse than dragon butter - IT COMES WITH PICTURES

Wonder what Blue Waffle is and be tempted to google it anyway.

Slice through a tendon while getting a knife out of it's packet, then proceed to cook dinner with the end of your finger hanging off and blood everywhere.

Give someone a bj with a small cold sore on your lip. (At least he has something to remember me by

Anal sex. Don't ask.

Don't deadhead your roses in the immediate vicinity of a toddler.

Never throw a stick for a dog when you still have it on the lead.

Light a cigarette after a recently applied manicure. Thumb nail set on fire.

No matter how much of a hurry you're in always wear clothes when ironing, at the very least wear a bra.

ahhahahahahhahahaha I did that today theagedparent - chucked the ball and hung the dog oops.

dont put your mobile phone in the microwave for 10 minutes and then wonder when you come back down stairs why a) the jacket potato you want for dinner is still on the working top and b) why the microwave & phone combo have fire damage and are fucked broken

oh, and NEVER leave important legal documents on the kitchen table (not for even 10 minutes) incase the 4yr old decided she wants to do drawing...bugger

I so want to stick a magnet to the tv to see what happens.

Don't store nail varnish remover next to eye make up remover. Wakes you up pretty damn fast.

off to google dragon butter and blue waffle >>>>>>>>>

you will go blind magnolia