Things you learned the hard way not to do again

[ItsJustAName]

Okay, so I was out and about and needed the loo and popped in to a public toiler. Only when finished did I realise there was no loo roll.

Never fear, I knew I had fresh handypack of hankies in my handbag.

I used one.

Olbas oil infused hankies do not leave you with a pleasant sensation when used as loo roll lol.

Checking to see of my hair straighteners are off by wrapping my hand around them. They usually aren't.

Rely on pushing baby in pram or driving in car to get them to sleep.!

Don't go in the swimming pool at a night club in your underwear and then go dance on the pitch black dance floor wearing no knickers or contact lenses (both didn't survive the drunken swimming...

It's very difficult to act all cool when you slip and fall heavily on your bottom, especially when someone's left a beer bottle exactly where you fall. It went up my foof and cut my vulva

I was in agony - physically and from the humiliation. I was there alone trying to impress a boy Id met the night before, so no friends to help or at least buy me a drink to console me!

It was a very effective form of contraception!

Do no, while walking home across a field in the dark, kick a random ball that has been left in the field, it might be a hedgehog

Do not, when drunk, attempt to pee in a nightclub toilet when the lid is closed.

When using those tardis type public toilets in France, do not hold the door open for your child to go in when you exit. He will get washed, along with the entire interior.

Don't let DD2 climb trees, there's a kind of thud no mother wants to hear twice. Fortunately she'd only broken her wrist.

Don't let DD2 trampoline, there's a snap no father wants to hear. Yes that was the other wrist.

Of course DD2 has no such worries and still climbs trees and trampolines, the only difference is she can now do linked back somersaults!

Don't flick cigarette ash out of the car window without first winding the window down. I was wearing shorts. My thighs still bear the scars. They are a good reminder of why I no longer smoke.

When in a rush in the morning clean knickers are effective scrunchies, however remember to take them out before leaving the house. You will either end up wearing them at work or put them in pockets where they will fall out!

Also when's babysitting DN's and you see knickers on the floor near the wash basket, don't just gingerly pick them up and put them in basket whilst thinking I have a pair like that. DSiL will not be happy when she finds them!

In order to clear a cold I put vicks in my bath. My entire body was frozen from the waist down.

When going in to have PFB DD with my dad to accompany me til DP could get there (got called in from work to be induced early as I had obstetric cholestasis), don't reply "yes" when the consultant asks "Is this dad?", because he will think that your Dad is your partner and attempt to give you an internal examination with your old man desperately trying to escape the voluminous folds of curtain :)

(And he'll say "vagina" in front of him )

geordieminx you have reminded me of another!
When you are 10, and your evil 14 year old sister says she will make you up as Adam Ant, don't let her paint a big glittery nail varninsh streak across your nose.
Your dad will go fucking bat shit and bend you over the sink to scrub you clean with a nail brush

junkfairy
also if you dream you're having a lovely wee, you probably are

...yep!

Do not, under any circumstances, google wolfbagging.

To be very VERY careful whilst tending to the lady garden with Veet-painful if not, rather like a burn...