Things you learned the hard way not to do again

[ItsJustAName]

Okay, so I was out and about and needed the loo and popped in to a public toiler. Only when finished did I realise there was no loo roll.

Never fear, I knew I had fresh handypack of hankies in my handbag.

I used one.

Olbas oil infused hankies do not leave you with a pleasant sensation when used as loo roll lol.

Improvising a recipe for gluten-free seedy bread. I thought it was a good idea an hour ago. The dense, crispy shelled, still wet in the middle mass in my oven tells me otherwise

Don't attempt to make a balloon animal just like the magician did. You will spend so long trying to twist the bastard thing into shape that it will give up and burst. You will feel bad for disappointing the dc's even though they're probably not that bothered and you will disappear off in a sulk.

do not shave your legs with a cut throat razor

Do not attempt to go down the stairs on a space hopper on two separate occasions.

Do not forget who you're talking to and answer a work colleague with a comedy Japanese word as you regularly do with your husband.

Do not be dazzled by handsome gardeners who in hindsight cut some corners that are a continuing source of irritation. They were so pretty though.

Do not tell DP 'ok shut the boot' unless your head is REALLY out of the way first. He will close it without looking and slam it into your skull.

Don't touch the red rings on the electric grill to 'make sure when its red it is hot' it is bloody hot!

Don't leave the wire on the garden strimmer too long then turn it on with the guard pointing outwards. The wire lashed into my shin and left a lumpy bruise for weeks, plus my neighbours heard some swear words they probs didn't even know exsisted!

When 14 don't watch the boy you really like walk by while sitting on a fence. As you lean back to watch him walk off you will fall, legs in the air, friends all laugh hysterically, then boy turns round and sees everything!

do not step in dog poo not notice then kneel down to remove ds's shoes before taking your own off when you get in. you will get poo on your bum then manage to spread it around everywhere when you sit down.

do not blow a stray bit of ash from your chest while you have a full ashtray in your lap.

do not jump onto a ball with both feet, you will fly backwards into a wall before landing full force onto your arse

do not phone an engineer to fix your washing machine without first checking that its plugged in red face

Not believing it's an electric fence. Twice.

Geoff a space hopper? on the stairs? Oh my, tears running down my face picturing it!
Whatever made you think that would work?

Drink too much gin while sitting next to an open fire - and then try to stand up...
Or trust a Greek man to pour said gin for you!

Ha Geoff! I would add to that with don't say "whatever" to your manager OUT LOUD.

when secretly enjoying all the bath products at someone else's house make sure you check what it is first...neat tea tree oil on your private parts not only stings and makes you feel like you're wetting yourself for the next three days but the smell is so strong that you are soooo busted for using their stuff....embarrassed face

For a dinner party I decided to invent a new dish to astound and delight and came up with brussel sprout curry...it didn't go down well

This made me laugh more than anything all day. Have worked in hospitals so can envisage the scene - and the smell! Poor you.

Don't, when challenged by ejit father, say that he most definitely can not get you to stab yourself with a sewing needle, without touching you or the needle, then proceed to slam your hand down on said needle to make the point!

Wax my moms legs for her (screamed like murder, i'm just relieved I was doing it at home, not at college)

Ride a pushbike down a slide, especially if it has a bend in the middle

Laugh hysterically at dh when dd's ask why daddy has a tail! He didn't know how to answer & I couldn't speak for about an hour!!!!

Rush around like an idiot for a last minute house viewing then slip over on freshly swept kitchen floor doing serious damage to an already dodgy left leg & pull left shoulder. The bruises are some very pretty colours! (& the house wasn't suitable either fucking time wasters

My youngest bro: never straighten your legs when hanging upside down from a tree branch, hit a piece of wood with a hammer & not foot the other end & eat toadstools thinking they were mushrooms

Do remember to pull your nickers down as well as your trousers when having a drunken pee. And also if you dream you're having a lovely wee, you probably are. Pay attention when picking up red hot hair straighteners and not grab the wrong end. Listen to your parents when they insist the loft is not a safe place for children, you will fall backwards out of the loft hatch and suffer concussion. Also be careful to close the basement hatch when serving in a pub. Never confuse nail polish remover for eye make up remover and always remember to zip up the trampoline door when young DC are overly excitable on it. One will fall out and you will feel like the worlds worst mother.

Do not when thinking how lovely the new ginger and lemon tea bags smell put your nose in the empty box and inhale. The left over loose 'tea' leaves will go up your nose and burn like hell.

Do not get distracted by someone talking to you when leading a notoriously difficult and greedy horse back to his field. He will shoot off up the steep bank that surrounds three sides of the outdoor arena to munch the lovely long grass and you will have to spend 20 minutes chasing him around without falling down it, while everyone drinking by watches, before he'll come back down!

ride the stallion when he comes back form the stud farm..... that didn't end well and no amount of in the world could make that heal quicker

Don't go to a drunken party, slip over on a wet floor during a water fight, break your wrist and give yourself a black eye. Especially if you are starting a new job two days later.

Do not try to read while walking downstairs. You WILL miss a step, and crash head first into glass front door.

Lick the straighteners. On the iron. When hot.

I'm an idiot.

Not finished reading thread but for anyone who is still wondering what happens if you hold a magnet to a tv screen, this is about the best thing I can imagine happens

Do not, when drunkenly peeing at a music festival, go into the dark portaloo and neglect to check that the toilet lid is up. Twice.

You will end up covered in your own urine.

Do not attempt to give your little brother a 'step' Haircut with your DM ladyshave, he will burst into tears and you will be grounded.

Do not mistake lard for butter, and spread liberally on bread ... I still can't even look at a packet of lard ...

DH do not fall asleep drunk on a wall with a sheer drop the other side, you will break your shoulder blade and feel lots of pain despite the copious amount of alcohol consumed.

DBro says to never attempt to change a light bulb in the hall while balancing one foot on the bannister and one on the windowsill, especially in socks, you will hurtle down the stairs at great speed !

DBil says to never run a bath when you get in from a session from the pub and go for a lie down while waiting, the flood damage is expensive to fix.

DH do not put cheese on toast under the grill when home from a session at the pub, and 'rest your eyes' while lying on the kitchen floor. Your DW will not be amused at the ensuing kitchen fire !

Do not walk under a Car park barrier as it's coming down, it will hurt!

I walked under a descending car park barrier, too - didn't see it and got hit on the head. Reading again.