Things you learned the hard way not to do again

[ItsJustAName]

Okay, so I was out and about and needed the loo and popped in to a public toiler. Only when finished did I realise there was no loo roll.

Never fear, I knew I had fresh handypack of hankies in my handbag.

I used one.

Olbas oil infused hankies do not leave you with a pleasant sensation when used as loo roll lol.

Get married

Don't hoover up ash from an open fire. Hot ash and a vaccuum are not a good combination.
(NB not me but a friend when we were cleaning our holiday house on morning of departure, she was suffering from pregnancy brain!)

Go into teaching

From dh - don't shovel the still-hot ash from the barbeque into a cardboard box that happens to be next to it, and then wander off - it will catch fire.

From my goddaughter - when staying with your godmother and are in the process of dying your hair black, don't come downstairs and sit on her cream sofa!

From dh - if you bang the bottom of a bottle of cherry brandy against the shelf whilst taking it out of the cupboard, and the bottom of the bottle falls off leaving a jagged edge, don't drop the bottle and then try to catch it with the other hand - you will sever the artery, the nerve and half-sever the tendon, need a long operation and months of physio.

From ds1 - in a coffee shop, don't look up from the menu and ask the waitress 'What's in the beef sandwich?' because everyone within earshot will laugh, and your family will never let you forget it.

On the same holiday, on the Glasgow underground passing Ibrox, do NOT answer 'Edinburgh' in tones of deepest scorn, when your younger brother asks where Celtic play their home matches. Especially do not do this whilst sitting next to a Celtic fan - your mother will have a momentary panic that he is going to duff you up, and your family will never let you forget that incident either.

From husband - it's not a good idea to remove wasps nests from the walls with a hoover.

My dad learned not to remove a wasp's nest until all the wasps are dead.
He used one of those sprays, but got too close to the nest and in their attempt to flee, he got stung really badly (might have only been one sting, but his entire fore-arm swelled to twice its original size - he couldn't wear his watch for weeks )

From DH

Don't think that when varnishing your latex LARP weapons with roofing sealant thT the best way NOT to get it on your clothes is to do so in the nude. You will look like a leper for a month afterwards as it peels off.

That and the fact that roofing sealant is poisonous.

Also Evostick is not a good substitute for spirit gum when wearing facial prosthetics.

From DP

If you need to borrow a colleague's keys on a Friday afternoon, and if you then leave work with said keys, and promise faithfully by phone to just post them back to colleague's girlfriend's house, DO NOT then post YOUR OWN house keys by special delivery just as the post office is about to close.

Reader, I haven't married him.

From DH

If you have very bad hay fever which causes you to sneeze uncontrollably, it's perhaps better not to offer to help the builder fit the new glass shower screen.

Don't hastily grab the nearest thing to keep your DC aged 18mths happy whilst stripping the bed - you will pass her a blue nail polish bottle which you stupidly think she can't unscrew but forget that babies use their teeth; result, a horribly large smeary blue stain all over new bedroom cream carpet. Luckily none in her mouth and luckily DH was very sweet about it.

When your little baby is sitting in a car seat on the floor, not strapped in, do not pick it up by the handle to move her a few feet without double checking the handle is locked. It will tip up and dump her on the floor face first .

Luckily for me this was on carpet, a few wails but she was fine. A few weeks later I saw a mum do this on a poolside, baby went smack onto the tiles with resulting blood .

From my friend, do NOT, get ready do bed, don the silicone moisturising gloves you got for Christmas, and then decide to light a cigarette. The gloves will combust, causing you to run madly aroun the house in your winciette nighty, flapping your hand together trying to put the flames out! Not only will you be in shock, as you live alone and could have burned to death, but your heartless friend will piss her knickers laughing when you tell her the story!

From DH today

Do not allow 18mo DS (yes the same one who played willy-hoopla in the bath as mentioned above) into the bathroom while you have a pee, and explain to said DS "see, this is how big boys have their wees"

DS will be overly curious and attempt to look in the toilet, and you won't quite be able to stop in time

Lol from Freudian. Mind you whats the betting your DS has got either you or your DH as that is what little boys tend to do with wee-wee.

Do not when having a lovely afternoon with the family walking along a tranquil pebbled beach start shouting at DS for throwing stones at you. It will not have been DS but will have been a seagull who's just shat on your head

lol at getting DS back GeekLove

mine is 17 mo and still gets me occasionally, weed on my jeans the other week.

oh yes, i learned that panicking and trying to catch Bf newborn poo in your hand just makes things worse. you have a baby with no nappy on screaming and a handful of poo.

Another one from dh and his db - when you take your small dses/dnephews to the park and realise you haven't brought a ball with you when you want to play 'Piggy in the Middle' with them, do not imagine that a lump of ice prised out of a frozen puddle will be an acceptable substitute.

The middle boy will fail to catch the ice 'ball' and it will smack him right above the eye, cutting him (not badly, thankfully), and causing your wife and your mum to read you the long version of the riot act about why it was such a stupid thing to do and What Could Have Gone Wrong!!

Oh - and one my friend observed on the children's ward. If your baby has severe gastroenteritis, and you are changing his nappy, do not - repeat DO NOT decide to bounce him up and down on your knee in the middle of the process, before putting a new nappy on him. He will suffer torrential diarrhoea all over your lap, and the nurses will have to come to your rescue.

Ooh the seagull one reminds me.

I've learnt to LOOK when idly skimming stones on Brighton beach. If you don't, you. WILL hit a pigeon. And said pigeon will fly in wobbly circles, you will feel terrible and your DH will still mention it 8 years later!

best thread ever.

When you need to alter the position of the driver's seat in your car after your DP has used it, wait until the car has come to a full stop as if you try to move the seat while just going very slowly approaching a junction, you will shoot backwards at high speed.

Do not run through a narrow doorway whilst putting up your hair - felt very stupid trying to explain to A&E doctor how I cracked my elbow.

If you wonder how easy it is to ride bike with your eyes closed, don't. You will ride into your neighbours front wall and end up in their garden.

Hair conditioner is not a good substitute for fabric conditioner when washing your DH's underpants. It will cause a rather itchy rash.

do not presume that the bit of material you are going to clean your glasses with is clean- your ds has already wiped his nose on it and you will smear bogies all over your glasses!!