Things you learned the hard way not to do again

[ItsJustAName]

Okay, so I was out and about and needed the loo and popped in to a public toiler. Only when finished did I realise there was no loo roll.

Never fear, I knew I had fresh handypack of hankies in my handbag.

I used one.

Olbas oil infused hankies do not leave you with a pleasant sensation when used as loo roll lol.

Do not believe that your glittery nailvarnish would make a fab long lasting eye shadow.

It will sting like fuck for hours.

Do not drink a whole bottleof advocat neat. You will throw up custard.

Geordie - how old were you when you did the nail varnish thing???

About 14 I think...

Fair enough, it's the kind of thing that might seem a good idea at that age - but OUCH!!!

This thread is absolutely hilarious! Has made my evening.

I have a couple...

... Aged 14, deciding that you'd like a new fringe and getting out the scissors. That tufty bit took a long time to grow back!

... Having been given a second hand car seat, merrily taking off the whole cover to wash without paying any attention to how it goes back together.

... On coming into the front room in the middle of the day and discovering 3 men had opened the front door and were coming into my house, I shouldn't have believed their story and I SHOULD have paid attention to what they looked like, so that after having seen them off in a friendly way, I discovered they had nicked my ipod from my car and were, in fact, ROBBERS I could give a description to the police. Idiot! (As a side note, they were caught that same afternoon, thank goodness!)

So many more, but I can't bear to think about them at the moment.

By the way, blue waffle is, apparently, a hoax. There's no such actual disease. That's what I read anyway. Still didn't need to see it though!

If you have a blocked drain, and drain cleaner and a plunger haven't helped, do not think that an AquaVac can cope with water and try that.
Firstly it won't work.
Secondly when you hoover the house the entire house will then reek of drains, so you have to buy a new one so your elderly landlady never finds out.
Thirdly, said landlady was overcome by the air freshener fumes required to cover the drains smell, collapsed and we had to get an ambulance for her. Fourthly, the rather pricey Dynorod guys will laugh a lot.

Ordering Baileys from a bar with a cheapskate manager. One bottle had curdled but rather than chuck it he carried on using it, just pouring back shots from people who complained. Likewise, do not let guests at your housewarming drink Baileys from glasses previously containing cider. The residue sets like concrete and you will have to throw your brand-new glasses away.

Do not hold the dartboard for your 12 year old brother to aim at. His aim is not that good and you will have to remove the dart from your arm by your self as your mum is out shopping. And also the one from your thigh.

Even if you live on a private track and the only car that ever, ever goes up is your own, still look behind you when you reverse out of the drive because it could be the one day your 75 year old neighbour has got her first mobility scooter and has driven up said track to show you and you could possibly reverse into her. Fortunately I didn't damage her, scooter was a right off though and it dented my bumper.

If you are going to be sick, especially it's half an hour after eating steak, don't try to stop yourself by keeping your mouth closed. As it comes out of your nose instead. Chunks of vomity sick out of your nostrils isn't nice.

Do not put your urine sample in your shoe in the dark to avoid forgetting to take it to the doctors in the morning. Your boss (was working away from home in company provided accommodation) will get up before you and be very unamused to find a piss bottle in his shoe...

Don't agree to let a student doctor put a cannula in your hand. She fucked up the first in, which made my toes twitch. I realised the fourth next attempt in the other hand hadn't gone well when, in established labour, I had to clutch my wrist, which was agony. Turned out she'd broken the fucking cannula inside my vein. A year on, it's still there

If your cat is in season do not presume the trail of clear liquid along the floor is apple juice then run your finger through it and have a taste for good measure, just as the cat comes along making strange noises and wriggling her bottom close to the floor....

Do not, in the excitement of video phones being released, decide with your friend to re-enact Will Youngs Leave Right Now video (just for something funny to film).

You will fall over backwards, and hit your fanny on the corner of a stereo speaker, causing a haematomah (sp?), lots of swelling, and the need to have a small operation to fix said fanny.

Especially don't do this when you have your A-Levels to sit in a few days time. You'll have to tell your teacher and the exam board why you can't do the exam due to your operation, and you'll end up doing it 2 weeks later in a room on your own with 1 examiner present, who probably knows exactly what happened, as you sit on a rubber ring.

Your doctor will also be the sexiest man you've ever met. And the hospital staff will find it so funny they call their colleagues in to have a laugh at you. And your cameraman friend will tell EVERYONE and still mention it 11 years later

Do not wait for your wifes first day back at work after maternity leave to put the 8 week old baby in car seat on the washing machine and wander off while it spins...apparently they vibrate. 3 hours in A and E is not the best way to prove you are capable!

Do not play football in the house with 2yr old Ds, then position football next to the Hoover and kick - you will kick the Hoover and break your little
Toe.

Don't try to catch a bread knife that you drop - you will catch it by the blade and cut 4 fingers.

Don't run the bath then close the kitchen door (downstairs bathroom) then go on Facebook - you will wonder what that noise is after a while and think the washer is on and that it's broken, before realizing the bath has been running for nearly 20 mins. Luckily we'd had a new bath put in the week before that did have a drain hole, which our previous bath didn't have - I didn't flood the bathroom thankfully.

Don't lock your ds1 aged 2.5 in the car forgetting that the old new car you'd got didn't have central locking. - it will result in the fire brigade eventually coming out due to it been a warm day.

Don't think you can get away with putting ds2 aged 2 in the bath, wetting his hair and tying it in a bobble and cutting above the bobble - it will look like a bob and he will look ridiculous the next morning on Christmas Day

Don't give the boys chocolate when potty training 2.5 year old, take him into the bathroom to clean him up after an accident, leaving ds1 aged 1 crawling around. - he will find a stray 'piece if chocolate and eat it'. Then when you come back in wonder what Ds is eating and then wonder what that smell was. - as dh said to me when I walked in from work. Don't kiss ds2 on the mouth he's had a mouthful of shite

Don't push your sister head over the boiling kettle, she will end up with a scab on the bridge of her nose lol

Don't tell your sister your going to pour bath water over her back (young kids me and sister) then fill the jug with boiling water from the tap.

Another one.

Don't assume your sister will be ok when she is crying after doing a handstand which went wrong, moaning that he arm hurts. Continue to watch it grow in size for 4 hours until mum get home from work. (Was 14/15) she will have dislocated her elbow and broken her arm resulting in a full arm pot which was on for near on 10 weeks!!! It was a bad break.

Another one of mine:

Don't be excited at the new CD player mum has ordered from the catalogue and open it by sticking a very sharp knife into the top and dragging it the length of the box it will result in a very angry mother who's noticed the full length scrape across the top of the CD player.

One from dh:

Don't go to a job interview all dressed smartly and get out the car quickly forgetting that a spring is sticking out of the seat therefore ripping your trousers from thigh to knee

Don't use pure acetone to remove false nails by resting hands on varnished dining table and knock the bowl which the acetone is in, spilling it on the table. There is now a lovely stain where the acetone has removed the varnish from the table.

Always remember to extinguish the flame on a flaming Drambuie because having your top lip on fire is not a good look on your 18th birthday and the scab that follows is hard to explain

Never store an open carton of orange juice in between the walls of a tent. It may seem a sensible way to keep it cool if you don't have a cool box but a slug will get in and your OH will drink it.

Have been rereading this thread with immense enjoyment and bizarrely found a post from myself under an old username from exactly three years ago today! Freaky.

Do not believe that shoving an alkaseltzer (sp) up your fanjo will result in a pleasant fizzing sensation during intercourse.
It will in fact remove all liquid from said fanjo in less than 2.4 seconds, making it drier than the Sahara desert. The walk down to the bathroom at boyfriends house at two am whilst having you internal organs fused together by sandpaper vag whilst not making a sound is excruciating.
Once in bathroom, now hobbling like John Wayne the only relief was unscrewing the shower head and sticking the whole thing up there to rehydrate, it took about thirty minutes to clean it out. Never again!!!!

Dont try and get hairdye off your neck using a magic sponge it burns like hell and looks like you have been strangled.

Dont try and pull two wire wool scourers apart you will cut your hand very badly.

Dont turn your house upside down looking for you phone when drunk forget what you were looking for then go to the pub. When you do come home dont call the police because you think you have been burgled.

Dont get lost when drunk in an industrial estate and call the police to come and get you.

Dont drink alot of nightnurse before your daughters christening because you like the warm feeling you get from it. You will fall asleep while eating dinner and never hear the end of it

Don't allow your slightly drunk brother to pour hot oil into your ear to unblock it! Was supposed to be slightly warm, he warmed a teaspoon full with a lighter and poured it in. Burnt my head with the spoon too! No lasting damage luckily, but was sore for days!