Things you learned the hard way not to do again

[ItsJustAName]

Okay, so I was out and about and needed the loo and popped in to a public toiler. Only when finished did I realise there was no loo roll.

Never fear, I knew I had fresh handypack of hankies in my handbag.

I used one.

Olbas oil infused hankies do not leave you with a pleasant sensation when used as loo roll lol.

So glad I made Classics with this

From my sister. Don't encourage your two your old potty training son to carry said potty through to still-in-bed daddy to show him how big you are. Then see son trip just inches from the bed and throw the entire contents full in daddy's face to wake him up

Or, if you are in any way pissed off at daddy, then do!

Don't play with dog, accidently touch tongues with said dog and then put neat TCP on tongue.

Friend of my Mum's - she couldn't taste anything for a week

at waking up daddy with pee.

Cook a fryup naked.
I still bear the scar.

PMSL at the potty spillage!

One from a few years back. Do not stand next to DP as he's trying on suit jackets to find one that fits his extremely long gangly arms. DP will knock a big red SALE sign off its ceiling hook and the corner of said sign will dent your forehead and cause several questions next week at college.

Do not then lie and say you did it playing football in an attempt to save face for you and DP, your friend will then tell everyone you did it by running into a goalpost causing everyone to think you are completely stupid!

If asked by A&E staff who is your father's next of kin, do not reply 'his wife' as this will get you some very funny looks indeed. Especially if you are 19 and he is 42. Even if he is in the middle of getting divorced from your stepmother and you are confused about what the right answer is.

Don't put petrol into a diesel engine car. It will cost you a lot of money, and people will take the piss for a very long time.

Do not actually walk into a door, giving yourself a corker of a black eye, two days before taking up a new job with Women's Aid.

whydobirds did you get proposed to while you were cooking naked?

pmsl at biscuit nibbler, totally great!

Todays lesson, dont attempt to plumb in a washing machine without turning the water off at the mains.

Once you have unscrewed the old machine and you have figured that the pissing water is too high powered to attach new machine, you will discover that the kitchen unit dad installed is covering the fucking stopcock.

Do not let baby DS suck your chin whilst you swap sides during a breastfeed. A 5 second suck will cause a HUGE purple bruise / lovebite on your chin and people will wonder if your DH has a mean right hook

Don't be so kind and naive at 21 that you let a mad, old lady you are caring for in hospital bite your fingers when she asks to

Dont let an employee speak to you so rudely and put you down, and then contunue to put up with working there. Tell her to go stick her job where the sun doesnt shine.

When travelling at high speed and you need to empty a bottle of water, open the window, not the door.
Similiarly when climbing into the rear in a moving car you do it through the gap between the seats, again not by opening the bloody door.
My friend is sooo stupid.

And to my mum. Yes aeroplanes taking off and landing do look spectacular when you are very close. It is more important tho for me to look at the big oncoming truck

Don't spend hours thinking up a birth plan. It won't go to plan.

Ha yes LimburgseVlaai - my first birth plan was three pages long. My second read: 'have baby; have tea and toast with marmite; go home'

I hope they were ready with the marmite wmm-choc ?

You know in cartoons, when lots of crazy things happen that couldn't possibly happen in real life? Well, the 'standing on a rake and the handle flying up and whacking you hard on the nose' thing does. I know that, 'cos I tried it to see what would happen.

They were not but DH came equipped. I then ended up demanding stilton sandwiches so he was dispatched to Sainsburys (in July) to buy some

I also learned the hard way that when you have spent two hours putting together your toddlers new trike, you should not demonstrate it by sitting on it and 'riding it' as your arse will become wedged on the seat and you will have to be helped out by your DH who will be unable to help for several minutes as he is ROFLing and trying to placate a very annoyed toddler who is prostrate on the ground screaming because he thinks you will break it.

Glad to hear you got your toast and marmite and also the stilton cheese sandwiches along with your new baby, WMMchoc

Do not keep cans of red primer next to deodorant.

One I learned when I was about 9 years old is that you should always watch where you are shoving the fork when you are digging the garden - it is not good if you plunge the fork through your wellyboots. Luckily the tine that went through the boot went between my toes and just grazed them - it could have been much worse!

I learned that you shouldn't listen to your mother when she's yelling at you for using the garden fork.

i think i was 8 - was digging the new garden quite happily, when I heard my mother yelling at me, i turned around to find out what she wanted (she sounded a bit mad!), put the fork down...
yep, through my trainers - still got the scar, about an inch above my toe.
didn't bleed much though.

wouldn't have happened had my mum not decided that the best time to yell about safety was whilst i was using the bloody thing!

leave your glasses on when cutting your own fringe with your very sharpest scissors. Removing them will result in a lacerated eyeball.