Things you learned the hard way not to do again

[ItsJustAName]

Okay, so I was out and about and needed the loo and popped in to a public toiler. Only when finished did I realise there was no loo roll.

Never fear, I knew I had fresh handypack of hankies in my handbag.

I used one.

Olbas oil infused hankies do not leave you with a pleasant sensation when used as loo roll lol.

SDTG & Nickelprincess - I also had a mishap with a garden fork and stabbed my dog (who was capering about like a mad thing) in the neck .

He was a springer spaniel and quite mad so didn't seem to feel a thing as his brain wasn't actually connected to anywhere else in his body. Luckily, he was fine.

Zuzu

It only penetrated about 1cm nickel

I did panic for a moment though, but he honestly didn't seem to notice and carried on jumping about! Amazingly, he wasn't even scarred.

Don't use all your unnatural strength as a young boy to stick the garden fork into the ground without checking to see where your smaller younger sister is. It will go through her shoe, pin her foot to the ground and cause your mother to have a mild heart attack.

Fortunately it went between my toes and only grazed the skin. It took a while for my mum to recover!

I hadn't realised how common this seems to be before reading the posts from Zuzu, nickelprincess & SDTG.

From DH

Do not teach your 18 month DD to blow very loud raspberries on your DW's cleavage because DD will do it in church. At the quiet bit. Every week.

Do not decide to pick up a tripod after using it over a Bunsen burner in Science with your palms the resulting burns will look like stigmata for months!

When DD does that running choking noise the correct response is to rush her to the sink/bucket/open space of grass NOT cuddle her into the aforementioned cleavage, you will be finding vomit granules all fecking day

Squashedfrogs - perhaps nickelprincess, Zuzu and you and I shouldn't be let loose with or near sharp implements!

I was fine before my mother yelled at me.
I maintain it was her fault (and she says it was too)

if it makes you feel better, it didn't go all the way through the foot, and it was very close to the bone so it didn't bleed much at all.

@Norfolk

Don't toast a pita under the grill and then bite into it as the steam comes out and leaves a burn above your lip. In particular don't do this just before going to a wedding.

Don't read a big book, move your chair over your big toe and sit on it with all your weight.

This one is BIL's
Don't use Flash bathroom wipes when you run out of toilet roll.

Never inflate the tyre on a child's bike with the thing you get in garages for inflating car tyres; especially when you live over a mile from the garage. Yes the tyre inflated quickly, right up until it exploded.

Never rewind One Born Every Minute! It's really disturbing! and more that slightly gross

When a sock disppears around the outside of the drum of a top loading washing machine. Do not attempt to resuce it by sticking your hand into the gap. Your hand will get stuck and it will hurt when you managed to release it. The sock will still be lost until to clean the fliter at the bottom.

OMG Tonythetyger I've done that, promptly fainted with the pain, and woke to find four mesmerised DC gazing at me with astonishment.

I'm assuming you mean the chair. The steam burn was more embarrassing than truly painful. I was 11 at the time and refused to let my mother prick it with a pin to release all the trapped blood as the idea scared me too much.

Drop a silent but deadly fart in the food hall of a rather posh department store, causing the person behind to collapse in a epileptic fit.

Then, 15 years on, be on MN and realise somewhat belatedly that you named your son after the store in question.

I suspect Freud would have an opinion on the matter

Put out a scented candle with water and then mistake the candle for water glass in the middle of the night. Taste stayed with me for a long time.

Ooh, another one, don't leave a large church candle on the night storage heater and go to bed. You will wake up to a living room full of smoke, a horrible stench, you will be very frightened when you find it, and your land lord will be VERY upset!

Don't just pop on mn for a quick check of thread's i'm on when you need to be in bed early. You will end up going to bed at 1am and still have to get up at 4am.

MN will wait. The sleep deprivation will cause you to walk into the door to try to open it

LostInTheBlackHole indeed, time to quit while I'm ahead.

OMG some of these have had me in stitches.

Do not try to reverse your brand new 3 weeks old car to impress some lads in a pub beer garden - you will reverse into a fence and dent the back end of car

DHs - Do not hold 2 weeks old breastfed baby on knee in between nappy changes it will result in baby pooing down leg, something that relects Chicken Korma

Do not leave a metal tin awkward on the gas hob leaving the handle exposed and try to pick it up without oven gloves

Do nnot try to be the greatest domestic goddess and clean the knife block, holding one knife blade in your hand and dropping it, catching the knife blade with your hand, it bleeds for eternity.

Do not play with with ex knobhead and lean in and let his elbow bash you in the eye resulting in a black eye 4 days before being a bridesmaid at your mother wedding.

Do not play football inside with the kids, especially when the small winnie the pooh ball lands at side of hoover, you will kick the hoover and break your little toe.

Do not bite down on a hard bit of burnt pizza base, it will result in you oving your wisdom tooth out of place and the need for operation to remove the said tooth especially when extremely scared of the dentist

Do not stand talking to mates at petrol station whilst filling car up and not noticing what you are doing and then realise you have just wasted £30 of petrol onto the floor and notihing in the tank.

Do not leave curling tongs plugged in to the extention then turn on the CD player and turn it off on the system rather than at the wall. My mother didnt see the funny side when it burnt a massive hole straight through to the underlay on a week old bedroom carpet - She will come home from the pub drunk, start shouting at you whilst been 5 months pregnant, then Stepdad starts shouting and DF (now DH0 start fighting over it and it will result in you moving out of your mothers house permanently :(

There are soooooooo many.

Metal pan i meant in number 3

number 5
Do not play fight i meant

I really must read before i press send.

CHEEKY!

Don't accidentally let a cat into your house the night before your wedding. The ensuing melee will result kicking the skirting board (wasn't aiming for the cat, honest) and a broken toe. The toe is slightly wonky now, so is a memento of our wedding.