Middle Ages Mumsnet

[AnyFuleKno]

Dear mumsnet, mine husband hath broken his arm falling from atop the midden. How many leeches should I apply?

Fair gentle folke of mn thou is pissing ones sides at the trials and tribulations of thy gentle era.

I am grateful WMMC for thine assistance in this unfortunate matter. The apothecary was not well aquainted with this miraculous substance and bid me rub some Butter of Bottoms on the affected part instead with limited relief. However there is now less squeaking arising from the infernal contraption.

beehyvinge take thee to the Smythy

he hath a pronge that i believe thou will surely find to thy satisfaction.

and thou shouldst behold his fine greate pair of bellowes

yes the smythyes fyne work with the hot pokere is much admir'd

MissBeehiving - Jack the ironsmith on Dung Street may use his drill to help with your impediment. However, I beseech thee to take care he does not use his personal drill as thine husband may take issue to find you having issue upon his return.

[grinneth] @ LeQueen!

I see a crossposted with other fine ladyfolk. Missbeehaving have you considered the fine work carried out by the midwitch Ann of Summers. Verily she offers all manner of tools to assist gentlewomen in your predicament.

Sisters prithee cease this chatter! My underpinnings are dampening from my myrth.

I seeth the local innkeeper out in the orchard shooting hist fruit from the trees.

He forsook to tell me that he planneth a new libation for the chyldes.

Good folk, thy jesting shouldst have me pysse myne knyckers, but mefears they bee not ynvented yett.

News has reached me of a fine confectione, Ye Lemon Drizzle Cake, that many goode people of mumsnette much liketh. I much fancieth making this divine creation. Could a kinde mumsnetter giveth me ye recipe?

Pofteth in Tech Stuff:
Pleafe canft fomeone helpeth me? Ever fince I have been pofting on the Medieval Mumfnet thread, everytime I ufe the f key, the letter comef out looking like the letter f! [confufed]

I will be availinge myself of the talents of the smyth forthwyth. I onlye hope that he is able to remove the offynding article and ease mine suffering with his pokers and drill.

MissBeehiving This is welcome news indeed. May I suggest the butter of bottoms be preserved for such purpose. The village witch suggests this arrangement may also avoid issue from such poking.

prithee good mumsnetters, could it be said that t'were unreasonable to hold that tis sinful to toil in the fields? all gentle womenfolk should bide in the homestead with the childers doing ye messy play? Or be it rather sinful to bide home hearing tell of ye doings of Sir Jeremy de Kyle when thou shoulds't be gathering ye dung?

'Tis surely more sinful to be toiling in the fields where menfolk mayest become enamoured of thine sweaty self and imagynyng all manner of thyngs about what mayest lye under thy bodice than to staye indoors attendyng to thine offspring.

Madam LeQueen, knoweth ye not that a fee of two groats must be paid to the overlords of Mumsnette Towers by all who wish to cry their services upon these boards?

tis the role of all God fearing women to toil, whether tis in the fields with the beasts of the earth,or in the hovel with a hungry babe gnawing thy drooping dugs. Whichsoever road thy choosest, keep in mind that the lord and master will brook no refusal to his needs, and that thou must be ready at all hours of the cock (!) to perform thy wifely duties with good cheer - MissBeehiving excused.
Be of stout heart - the outpourings of thy master will augment thy meagre diet of gruel and dirt and will provide thee with much needed protein,shouldst thou swallowest!

Tis surely a most vexed question Mistresse AnyFuleNo. Whilst the tellings of Sir Jeremy are most diverting, a wife who toilest in the byre must surely be assured of a place in heaven?

Nay lequennie - I fear I am with child, and thus my days of jollying and debortury are behind me, > twas just 1 summer ago I swung like our corgi in spring time

MissBeehiving I am sorely grieved that your husband doth abuse you so. I implore thee to change the locks on said implement without delay, and to procure some black hessian sacks from the local smithy, within which to deposit his worldly goods.

These left on the step of your abode on his return from the crusades, with an illuminated note, scribed by the monks of the parish:

Fuck Thee,
Thou Utter Arsehole

will communicate thy wifely displeasure most pretty.

I praye ye Mumsnetteres may be able to assiste me in my plyghte. My deere sonne doth delight in playinngge with ye Playmobille toyes. His favourite charactere is a manne who goes by ye name of "Normanne Ye Foremanne". This charactere is a slovenly being who labours not at hard work, but prefferres instead to imbibe ye hotte beverage. I feare that this Normanne is a devilish influence uponne mine Chylde.

Please could anyone advyse me on which coorse of actione to take, o Wyse Mumsnetteres?

Good sisters, I must warn thee of imending doome!

My Lord and Master hath declared thatte we be nothynge more than a neste of vypers and thatte he hath sente parchment unto the WYtchfinder General Hopkins beseeching hym to vysyt our faire boards thatte he maye easily finde hymselfe the wytches thatte he hath long been searchyng fore.

Guard thyselves sisters! Report thine errant musings thatte they be removed by MNHQ poste haste!

(Also dear sisters, what punishment mayest I inflict on mine Lord and Master before that accursed General arriveth in our faire land?)

• impending doome... cursed alchemy!