Middle Ages Mumsnet

[AnyFuleKno]

Dear mumsnet, mine husband hath broken his arm falling from atop the midden. How many leeches should I apply?

NacMacFeegle - Mr Greggs doth use fine pigs within his pies. And squirrels, badgers, cats and all of God's fine creatures. Since we are within God's season of the snow, I would suggest your pie may be maketh with polar bear or similar vittels. Feast and rejoice!

funtimewincies Alas if only I should receive just the dung. I have wattle but no dung and my servants are keen to maketh the house bigger so his loyal servant Jane shall joineth him in the office that he may better travail in his official pursuits undisturbed. I dost not know what his business pertains, being a simple minded woman, but do sometimes hear noises and Jane doth be both red faced with her endeavours and rejoicing at all times of the afternoon.

Alas Mistresse Funtimewincies, PerUna is verily the work of the devil. The garments are not of natural fibres and it is necessary to carry fragrant herbs and leaves upon thy person to guard against unpleasant odours.

Thou art a low and slovenly wench WMMC !

sephrenia, your husbande doth you no disservice by tarrynge wyhte comely maidens, now that thou has surpass'd thy thirtieth year and thy teethe have long gone.

Verily MissBeehiving and like ones troubles the fitments seem to wax with each full moon till one is verily vexed to choose a size befitting ones stature.

I fynde that my lord husband doth prefer me with no teethe! He maketh me play a straynge game which he hath named "Hyde the Sausage"

funtimewincies - my lady you doth denounce me most readily and yet ye is the one on a quest for dragon butter.

be thee well advised, the sure mark of a wytch be that she does fynde her undergarments strangely dyscoloured or bleached wyche can only be by the devices of the devil.

My ladies. I seeketh a husband. My first husband was sadly carried away two years ago and left me with three small blessings. I hast met a squire from an adjoining village who wishes me to accompany him to the purveyor of fishes and potatoe products but one short stroll from our house.

Wouldeth though condemn me roundly were I to leave my children sleeping whilst I broke bread with my lord?

Style and be thou comely:

Which look dost thou prefer, thys or thys. Verily, I cannot decide, why be the leaste sluttye?

My heart beats so fast it is posistively bursting from my bodice - i feel i must share my embarrassment.

Our handsome new farmhand brushed passed me on my way to evensong, the manly smell of a common laborer made me giddy with excitement - thoughts raced across my mind that are not befitting for a lady of my standing - a whoring rage came upon me, i wanted to devote a night to it, i wanted him to rip off my under garments with his fine set of teeth - may god have mercy on my soul. This is an exact state of my mind at the time. it shocks me to review it.

which be the leaste sluttye. Forsooth, tis devilish hard to use thys contraption!

Thy talke hast caused me muche merriment and jollitye.

Prithee, thinkest thou of style and beautee? I needest a fyne cape with muche frillery, and whiche dost not let the devil's urine to distemper its fyneness. Whither should I go?

wmmc have ye taken leave of thy senses? Thy children should be toiling in ye fieldes and not idling in their beds.

Hey nonny nonny carminaburana!

Thou shouldst temper thy lust! Garde thee thine maidenhead as if it bee thine lyffe! Beeware, that manly odour that makest thee swoon be naught but alchemy, devised by wizards and daemons, and placed 'pon the shelves of yee Tescoes to tempt poor maidens to walk from the path of righteousness.

Get thee behind me, oh demon-mist lynx! Thou shalt not bind me to the witches-stool with thine evil airs!

from whence can i purchase a new mirkin?

Mine husbande doth have the Huff and his lip traileth on the ground.

Our troubador and jester haveth the evening off so should I take my foote off his hynde quarters and be done?

Beath this thoughtte unreasonable?

Ye witchfinder would not denounce me WMMC, I know the telling of many of his dark deeds. He hath been masquerading upon Ye Book of Ye Countenance as an unwed monk and hath been wooing widows for their chattels.

Take care in thine quest, lest ye fall prey to such a rouge. I fear that thys yeoman may have thine chattels in his minde.

Any, ye garment in the first woodcutting is ye most comely and would not make ye resemble a roaming trollope.

Mine husband has begun taking his quill and parchment everywhere verily even unto the privy. Since Michaelmas he has taken undue care of his vanity, having taken two, yes TWO baths since then, the second using my best soap made from the pig killing. Need I be a-fretting?

Mistress Blocksberg - Verily did I partake of the advice of Style and Dost Thou Look Comely but I fear thatte Mistress AnyFuleKno be ryghte inne thatte mine precious teeth have just nowe fallen from myne heade and am indeede of no further use to myne beloved husband.

I wylle nowe make haste to the apothecary inne the hope thatte he may yet be able to restoreth myne good looks

Oh prithee thou wise women of mumsnette, AIBU?
Glad tidings, I have been blessed with a fruitful wombe! But at the same tyme stuck down by a foul sickening which finds me each morning-tide. A local crone (my husband's mother) hast instructed me to inbibe a loathsome tincture of ginger - can this be good advice? It seemest much more likely that she is trying to poison me and shouldeth be burnt as a wytch forthwith.

oðþæt him æghwylc þær ymbsittendra ofer hronrade hyran scolde

Tincture of ginger is indeed an efficacious remedy to your plight passion, your husband's mother sounds a woman of wise years. She will provide much council to you during your coming confinement, whether thee seek it or nay.

I hath useth a parsnip out the cook's larder.. for a most wycked thing.

AIBU to groweth mine own parsnip patch?