Middle Ages Mumsnet

[AnyFuleKno]

Dear mumsnet, mine husband hath broken his arm falling from atop the midden. How many leeches should I apply?

[ilovemyhens]

some evil footpad has been purloining my chykens when nytetyme falls

[BoffinMum]

Pray apologies, fair women of Mumsnette, for that 'twas aimed at Dadsnette. I misposteth.

[carminaburana]

I scrubbed the head so hard my skull is near showing - but still the lustful thoughts hound and torture me. I prey I am not devil bound - I foolishly sullied my tapestry by threading in an image of his rump - his body is never out of my thoughts. Thankfully my dear husband assumed it was a tapestry of our prize thoroughbred

I throw thyself at gods mercy

[Northernlurker]

Help! My hovel needeth a new coat of tinted dung applyeth to it's crumbleth walls. My neighbours Nell the swineherd'd wife ( well she sayeth they have been to the church door but I am not sureth it was to be marryed or whther for quite another joinging purpose ) She haveth marsh brown with a hint of animal dung but I was wondereth if bog dung with a hint of goose would not be better? Farrow and Ball the village dung collectors will bringeth me my hearts desire but I must layeth by many groats or be totally dunned indeed.

[BibiBlocksberg]

Ah, fearest not fairest sephrenia, scribest thou on a piece of parchment the ideas of Portofino's lord and master and leaveth the parchment whereupon he is sure to stumble upon and readeth said article.


"I fynde that my lord husband doth prefer me with no teethe! He maketh me play a straynge game which he hath named "Hyde the Sausage" "

:)

[cobbledtogether]

AIBU to hireth a wet nurse for my breastes might sagge when I feedeth my childe?

[EdgarAleNPie]

My mydwyfe did not serve me welle, during my labours did she not give me wine, which I did beg her for most earnestly, but she did taunt me wyth the wine like unto the soldiers who did taunt our sweet Lord Jesus during his pains upon the Crosse.

I have cried and been wraught with Ire since, and my babe cleaveth not well to mine bosom.

shoulde I beg of her some recompence?

I fear also she does take my husbande to bedde, though i care not for this as he is ridden with pox and it shalle now afflicte her most sorely!

[sephrenia]

Mistress Blocksberg, I must thank thee greatly for thine advice. Just nowe myne husband didst declare thatte thys game 'Hyde the Sausage' would indeede be greatly admir'd by hym and thatte we shoulde playe itte forthwith.

He has also made mention of an apprenticeship wyth the glass makers. I do notte understande whatte he may mean by 'learnynge how to do a proper blowe jobbe'. Perhaps thys be some glassmaker's artte of whych I have notte heard of before. Wouldst thou perchance understand hys meanynge?

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

I be'est verily, confused. I have missed my monthly moon courses, and feareth thate I mayest be with child. I have been told that putting my morning waters upon the back of a certain type of frog, will confirmeth this fact.
My dilemma is that I be unsure whiche type of frog is best?. As my moone flow is only juste past, whyche type of beast will furnish me with ye surest answer?

[EdgarAleNPie]

i am the lady of the manor, yet i fear we do feel sore pressed by the same povertie that doth afflict the tithe-maker in their hovel.

I have arrayed mine firstborn sonne to go to war with the Unholy Saracen in the goode armour from John of Lewes as any good mother shulde and my purse is alle but empty.

His syster needeth a fyne dowry as befite a daughter of mine noble house.


Needs must i also paye the money for the charity of the parish, but from whence?

I shalle not paye - be i not reasonable?

[whomovedmychocolate]

I hast beseeched MNHQ to place thine discourse in the classic place whereth it flourish and not end in 90 days.

[sephrenia]

Mistress catpuss - You needst fynde a frogge that be'eth a maiden who is wyth childe herself and, most carefully, pour thy morning waters upon her backe to confirmeth thy goode news.

If it pleases thee, wouldst thou return wyth thy results that we may alle share with thee in thys goode (or badde) news?

[EdgarAleNPie]

WMMC i am of good accorde in thys endeavour.

[QueenOfTheNight]

My husbande has this nyte beseeched me to grant him leave to make ye great pylgrymage to ye shrine in ye city where he and two fellow pylgrymes from ye village tavern will worship ye lord our Godde for two dayes and two nytes.

Am I a wickede wyffe, as he accuseth, for doubting my lord and master or would ye also worrit that wenching, wickedness and drynking till they spewytt will take playce??

Tis the wenching that worrit me most. He cannot keep his byttes in his hose.

[carminaburana]

our discourse in classics ?

this heady mix of talking inappropriately with women of the village whilst licking the cooks cream off my fingers is decidedly too much >

[sephrenia]

Mistress AleNPie - You wouldst be served best methinks if thou beseech thy lord to raise the tithe or, if thys be notte a course of action ye mayest take, get thee to that most noble of places, the bureau of citizens who mayest be able to help thee in thy tyme of need.

Shouldst ye fail to paye into the charity then ye wouldst be MOST unreasonable.

I hope thys advyce be of helpe.

[whomovedmychocolate]

EdgarAleNPie - would dost beseech independently using the 'reporteth' button to press our case?

[AnyFuleKno]

goodwyfe saggy, tis said that the best frogge be bothe cleare and blue, but ye cheapest be procured from the market stalle where everythinge be priced at 1d

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

I didst procure said frogge, and attempted to pass my water upponne it's back. But I am foiled in mye testings as I was unayble to anoint ye backe of ye cursed beast properley, and have bungled ye testings.
My lord husband has roundly cursed mye failing to be ayble to pee on a frogge strayte, and nowe I am unayble to procure another such creyture until the moone riseth on ye morrow.

[BalloonSlayer]

My husband's maiden sister doth pledge to marry her sweetheart before Easter falls.

Yet she hath sent all a beech leaf so that we might know the exact shade of brown we all must wear to see them wed.

I quoth to her: you must have sweated collecting the leaves autumn past. She quoth back: Nay! Yon maiden from the village O'er the hill does this for me for all the eggs my blackest hen lays.

Never have I known such a bride so above her station. And I the cousin of the bride that refused her great-great-Grandmother's dress!

Now she declares very prettily that suckling babes are most unwelcome.

Would I be outside of all reason to claim that the dung collecting shall be keeping us busy on the day she is to be wed?

[whomovedmychocolate]

My lady approacheth me recently in the morrow to enquire ofeth my sack of accoutrements suitable to the pit that may arise following the ending of all endings. I have duly purchased said 'oh fucketh ruck sack' and packed it. However, mumsnetters, pray telleth to me, is it necessary to packeth the magick sticks of fire or will mine zippo suffice?

[dementedma]

verily ye maidens have caused tears of merriment to courseth down my apple cheeks.I applaud thee all most wholeheartedly and must now repair to rinse my underpinnings in the river, as the violence of my joyful cries has led to severe leakage in my most unmentionable of unmentionables!

[whomovedmychocolate]

BalloonSlayer Fear ye not, your husband's maiden sister is enchanted by the demon Bridezilla. Repond forthwith to her leaf with one smeared with your dung. Then thou must arriveth at her wedding service attired in the gown of your great great Grandmother.

[MissBeehiving]

Have patience, I know not whether this should be posted in "Style and Comeliness" or "Propertye";

Mine husband, is away on the Crusades in the Holy Lands and before he departeth these shores, he affixed to my personage a instruement which causes me much grievance though chafeing on my nether regions. I am unable to remove it without the key which he hath taken with him! Where might I procure a replacement key?

[whomovedmychocolate]

MissBeehiving - tryeth you Sudocrem?