Middle Ages Mumsnet

[AnyFuleKno]

Dear mumsnet, mine husband hath broken his arm falling from atop the midden. How many leeches should I apply?

[AnyFuleKno]

MissBeehiving I heartily recommend goodwyfe BalloonSlayer's advyce to change ye locks, tis said that those of Sir Yale be ye best, but be ye well adysed not to lose ye key.

Furthermore I implore you also to consider planting some parsnips so that ye may make merry with thy husband gone.

[carminaburana]

somuchtobits; gather all offending items into your petticoats and walk gaily to your nearest stream

[SoMuchToBits]

Carmina, thatte will be a housefulle of itemmes thenne. And our nearest streamme is verily foure myles awaye. And the shocke of losing Normane Ye Foremanne wuld cause my deere sonne to have ye fytte......

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Update on saggy's peeing on a frog post:
Noble mumsnet goodwives, my lord fechest me a payre of frogges this eve. I passed my waters into a vessel for ye holdinge of ye sweet provender, and annointed ye beast appropriately. Twould seemest that I am with child. Ye problemm that I be havinge now is that my lord husband be set on castinge me from the hovel house. It seemes thatte he was pecked by a goose last harvest time, and is now unayble to sow his seede.
I have been denounced as a whore, and amm to bee flogged around ye towne at noone, unlesse I nayme the man who has cuckolded my lord.
The dilemma be that the father of ye child be the squires son. He is a fine creature, and tipped me a groat for the pleasure. How do I tell my lord?

[dementedma]

sephrenia - sister i implore thee to add tincture of bromide to his mead. Thus will he be visited by an affliction most sore to occupy his mind and divert it from the musings of the sisterhood!

[SoMuchToBits]

Saggy, ye do notte tell hym. Ye say that it was a chylde of Godde and shall be the next sayviour to mankind, thereforre negating the need for Ye Fuccke Offe Rucksackes.....

[sephrenia]

Twould it not bee possyble to saye that Our Goode Lorde hath provyded thine husbande wyth the means in whych to render thee wyth chylde?

After alle goode sister, everyone knoweth thatte our Saviour was born unto a vyrgyne himself and thys therefore shoulde be of no great surpryse

[SoMuchToBits]

Crosse Postes, Sephrenia!

[sephrenia]

Misstress Demented, thou hast hyt upon a most wonderfulle solution to thys problem. I will see to it within the hour as he doth even now sit down for hys evening meal and by chance I hath some bromide in yonder broom closet....

[Portofino]

I recommende notte so much as the humble parsnip, butte the local soothsayer has giveth me a straynge new fruit which she called a "cucumber". Tis surely wytchcraft, but since that day, I have sent my lord husband to sleep in yonder privy.

[sephrenia]

I didst notice Mistress SoMuchToBits and feele thatte in thys situation, your advyce maye be of more helpe to our goode sister than thatte rendered by my own selfe

[SoMuchToBits]

Surely notte, Mistress Sephrenia! I am sure that your own advyse is just as goode (if notte bettere) than mine owne.

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Goody Sephrenia, please stem thy fears, I live here in ye towne of manningtree, which does abide next to ye town of Mistley. That be ye home of my lord Hopkins. I will takest myself to his abode and beseech him grantethhimsexualfavoures on behalf of my sister mumsnetters. As I am already up ye sticketh, there will be no risk of my disgrace on your behalf.

[ivykaty44]

I needeth a makings after, doe aide caney elp

[dementedma]

sisters i must bid thee goode nyghte for the owl calls from yonder woods and the hour is late. may the Goode Lord keep and preserve thee in the hours of darkness that ye may live unsullied to see the sun rise on the morrow. For those amongst this company whose most fervent wish is to spend the hours of darkness beingsullied, i say unto thee - fill thy boots!!!!

[bibbitybobbityhat]

I roffleth on yonder hearth at thys threadde ye fules.

[SoMuchToBits]

Mistress Saggy, If I can bee of any helpe, I live fayrly neare in the towne of Cressgrove, neare Gippeswyck in the Countye of Suffolke.

[sephrenia]

Goodwyfe saggyoldclothcatpuss, you are moste assuredly the kindest of women to grantsexualfavours pleade fore your sisters here.

Let it be knowne thatte once this probablyquitenice disgusting favoure is complete, I wyll make haste to ye poste boxe thatte I maye sendeth ye the treate knowne as Thorntons

I am sure thatte our fellowe sisters feel the same waye about your most noble sacrifyce!

[TeiTetua]

Up ye sticketh be such as was formerly spoke in olden tyme, in ye clubbe?

[QueenOfTheNight]

Update to my fyrste poste.

I just went out to the byre to feede the beasts and overheard my husbande and the other pylgrymes speaking of their pylgrymage.

They are planning to pay pylgrymage at a playce known as Ye Palace of Lappe Dancying and they hope to meete some badde norty maidens in a playce where redde lites are lit.

I am weapyng into my mead. He is a twatte. I have putte his stuffe in the cowshedd.

[SoMuchToBits]

And as ye knowe, Gippeswyck is but one stoppe from Manningtree on ye trayne (although ye trayne maye notte have beene invented yette).

[NonnoMum]

Goodwives of Mummsnettownton, I have forsooth been delivered of a lusty babe. One praises providence for much good fortune, howso, alas, alack, the pretty cherub will not slumber.
Shall I employ Good Mistress Forde and her rigid of the clock routinee? Or shall I allow the birds of the field to guide my little cherub into a routine as nature intended?

[MrsThisIsTheCadillacOfNailguns]

snorteth!

[sephrenia]

Mistress NonoMum! Thou mayest not use Mistress Forde, didst thou notte knowe that she hath been denounced as a minion of Satan?!

Though thy chylde maye notte slumber, be assured that thys is much preferred to the possyble taynt of said wytch!