Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

[Chil1234]

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

God it's all coming back to me.

Male IT Managers the worse surely.

My favourite bit of potential corporate speak is 'competetive willy-waggling' which is my word for suits trying to out-importance each other in meetings. I've yet to use it

Love 'manage expectations' which is the IT equivalent of a mechanic staring under your car bonnet while sucking his teeth and shaking his head.

"Just wanted to touch base...."
Being that I was 8 months pregnant by him and standing in our hallway nor was I colleage I wasn't to impressed.
I'm taking notes from this thread and plan to spout a few back to at the most random of times see if he notices.

looks like your experience is limited then.

At my place there seems to be a consensus that the words "me" and "you" are too direct and rude to be used.

This results in phrases such as:

"I'll await advice from yourself"

"We need to meet with yourself to discuss this"

"Please read the paper prepared by myself"

WFT?

"Bend over and take a haircut" = oh dear, we need to lower our prices

Jujubean, i could tell you all about where the term vanilla comes from, however it is a bit rude and I am not sure how to namechange yet. When I find out the namechange stuff will "touch base" he,he.

I was very interested in seeing the term "vanilla" used in corporate speak.

I used to do quite a lot of bondage sex and all sorts of stuff that now I have small children I don't have the time or inclination to do. So from about ten years ago on the bondage/domination/submission/masochists or bdsm scene (even perverts have corporate speak) vanilla was used as a derisive word for a sex act that was a bit boring or ordinary.

So next time a boss uses the term maybe it will be helpful to imagine them tied up in leather because thats all I can think of when I hear it and I thought I should share the joke.

When I worked, I hated being called "guys" especially when it was teamed with 2 claps of the hands by my dick of a boss who had wandered into the office.

He also used to say, "make hay..." and expect us all to finish his sentence.

What an asshole.

Yeah I think vanilla in corporate speak has the same meaning: the basic misionary position model (of softwear, consulting, analysis, product etc..) no sprinkles, no hot sauce, no cookie dough.

I wonder if both terms came independently or if there was a transition from the icecream meaning, through the S&M world to the boardroom. I wonder if anyone traces how these words spread.

Wankiest thing I ever heard anyone say was "Let me throw you a concept grenade here..."

The same person also later described a possible design decision as "creating a rod/back interface situation for us".

Ooh, ooh, Preghead, you're right. That person was an IT manager.

lets take a raincheck

I could never work out whether that meant 'leave it for a while' or 'give our top priority'. I used to sit in meetings pondering but not daring to say anything because ecveryone else seemed to know what it was. Took me years to work it out1

Put your cock on the block

Gosh crystal I work in a female orientated environment, so I need an equivalent:

Get your flaps on the tracks?

Suggestions please?

Has anyone mentioned '360 degree feedback'.....grrrrr. That and 'label and link' and 'on average over time' are my most hated. There are so many more that I could mention, if only I could remember them. I'm another one who worked for an American company...never again.

Googoomama, am PMSL.

I used to work in car dealerships. The sales team in BMW were forever asking, "What'e the scenario?" and "What's the SP?".

For the best take on corporate life, take a look at 'Dilbert' by Scott Adams. The most accurate account of the office for anyone who has worked in a big corporation. Its brilliant.

It made sense of my many years spent in a cubicle working for a US company. And I think I came out fairly sane!

just going off your own evidence, aviatrix.

Ooh ooh Binfull I've got one for you- a friend in my old co came up with "my vag is in a vice" as the lady equivalent to "my cocks on the block".

In another company our Sales Director used to stand up at the start of every single meeting for the agenda item 'Sales Director address' and state that "I haven't prepared anything so I'm just going to shoot from the hip" complete with finger shooting actions. Every single meeting. Twat.