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Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

354 replies

Chil1234 · 07/01/2011 15:49

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

OP posts:
6pack · 09/01/2011 13:09

crikey. 301 reasons to be a SAHM.

dawntigga · 09/01/2011 13:38

Everything everyone else has said and:

Side of the desk = doing it your own bloody time because you a) need the job and b) if you don't do it your the poor slob who suffers.

BTW I always saw 'it grows organically' as you had to pour shit on it to workWink

UseToWorkForABankTiggaxx

sungirltan · 09/01/2011 14:57

'from the get go' - what the hell does that mean anyway?

prettybird · 09/01/2011 16:03

In my old company, the Sales Director used to be full of bullshit cliches.

We used to play "cliche bingo" at the main sales conferences/updates we had to suffer go to.

One of his favourites was "punching above our weight", which I've not yet seen on this thread (admittedly only skimmed). This thread has reminded me that "granularity" was another of his favourites.

As a sales force, we had to spend more time on "corporate governance", filling in various (different) spreadsheets/databases on where we were in each the sales cycle of each of our opportunites, how much we expected to be bringing in, by month, exactly when we expected each deal to close than on actually getting out there on selling. We were then judged on how well we had forecast everything - and bollocked if we got it wrong.

All that happened was that you "hid" prospects and then only "forecast" them once you had already won them......

When I worked in the health service, they used to make a great thing about setting up "diagonal slice" meetings Hmm

By that, they meant a meeting where different levels and functions were involved, beacsue the NHS is so fragmented and hierarchical, they could only get relevant opinions if they consciously setting up working groups to do so.

Where I had worked before (ICI) we just called it a working party and were not bothered by which levels of people were involved as long as they had something appropriate to contribute.

I have to admit that I do use and like SWOT analyses. However, that is because my background is Marketing (note: that does not equal "promotion", which is only one element of marketing) and I also get pissed off at the misuse and incorrect use of SWOT analyses.

Brunhilde · 09/01/2011 16:52

Prettybird... you are damn right!... granularity. A corker. Makes my skin crawl.

sleepysox · 09/01/2011 20:07

What's low hanging fruit?

That expression conjuors up awful images in my mind. Bunch of grapes anyone?

LadyTremaine · 09/01/2011 20:37

Oh I've only got time to skim...

Have we had 'functionality' 'litmus test' or 'audit trail' yet?

LadyTremaine · 09/01/2011 20:38

Low hanging fruit... I think it means ideas that are 'ripe for the picking' ready to be used?

LadyTremaine · 09/01/2011 20:40

'all hands' meetings.

in my last company we had a 'pulse champion' someone who's role it was to go out amoungst the masses and take the pulse of the workers to report back to management.

Popbiscuit · 09/01/2011 20:45

"let's discuss the technical underpinnings of this issue". W.T.F ?

mrparent · 09/01/2011 21:00

shake the tree more
we are a leading solutions provider...W.T.F

PotPourri · 09/01/2011 21:27

We have 'comfort breaks' (break for going to the bog!)

And all hands - which means the whole team (What is wrong with 'all team'?)

We have the low hanging fruit - means the things that can be shaken out easily (that's people!)

We don't like to throw the baby out with the bathwater

crystalglasses · 09/01/2011 21:47

In our reports, our conclusions have to be labelled as opportunities and challenges rather than positives and negatives.

time4chocolate · 09/01/2011 21:52

Was made redundant 18 months ago from my job of 15 years in the finance market and have heard many crap sayings in my time, here are a couple that I don't think have been mentioned before:

We are going to KISS this - Keep It Simple Stupid.

and

Why have a dog and bark yourself - meaning managers passing their crappy jobs that they don't want to do onto the office pond scum (at the time I was in the category of pond scum!).

Reading this thread makes me not want to walk through an office door ever again!

PotPourri · 09/01/2011 22:36

Also heard a friend say that her senior manager kept going on about 'eating our own dogfood' - meaning using their own products. He was french, maybe that made some kind of sense in france. Didn't make any sense to my friend or her colleagues!

Cleofartra · 09/01/2011 22:44

Teachers are the worst for clap-trap.

My sister (a teacher) described my 11 year old dd's language as 'inappropriate' today and said she was 'pushing the boundaries'.

My dd had told me to 'piss off', and then karate-chopped her brother in the throat. Shock

whomovedmychocolate · 09/01/2011 22:49

Has anyone had 'create a straw man' yet.

That one used to drive me mental.

Along with the morning rumble which was a short meeting of completely inane shit and gossip for everyone to watch the body language of any staff known to be shagging each other Hmm

MogTheForgetfulCat · 09/01/2011 22:55

Ugh, some of these are tooth-achingly familiar, mainly "going forwards" .

Also cannot stand being asked to "progress" something - just sounds so worong being used that way. Or being "tasked" with something.

V pleased to have learned some new horrors, iintend to introduce "granularity" to the workplace like a virus before going on mat leave Grin.

crystalglasses · 09/01/2011 23:04

Wankspeak is a great one to introduce Grin

preghead · 09/01/2011 23:35

Not so much corp wankspeak but has anyone noticed how they've all started calling each other "buddy" of late? Even when they hate each other.

Want2bSupermum · 10/01/2011 03:27

As an accountant who has worked in audit and finance I have had to deal with senior management who use a fair bit of management jargon. The more someone uses these stupid phrases the less I think of them.

My personal number one enemy is 'stakeholder'. Why not just say end user? It also makes no sense to me in that to me a stakeholder is someone who holds the stakes for betting parties and delivers the stakes to the winner.

giraffesCantDirtyDance · 10/01/2011 06:39

My old boss used to talk to me in these terms - I was her nanny Hmm

Himalaya · 10/01/2011 07:28

Some of these are just americanisms, and some are truely wanky I agree, but some do have a distinct meaning. Like 'price point' and 'stakeholder' - stakeholder is different from end-user (of a product or audit report) - it means something like 'people who matter and/or are interested' - people who could derail a project, experts to be consulted, people who boycott your company, people who breathe your pollution, not just shareholders etc...

(Hmm wondering if I've outed myself as a complete wanker by defending corporate wankery...)

merrywidow · 10/01/2011 07:39

Job Ad in one of the big newspapers;

'A Coordinator For The Consumption Of Fruit And Vegetables'

Wankspeak for greengrocer if you ask me

hatesponge · 10/01/2011 07:45

we have - and apologies if these have been mentioned before

silo thinking
operational excellence
strategic pillars
corporate levers
visions and values
ramp ups
go lives
people being on and off message
engaged and positive people (or not!)

plus lots of KPTS (key performance targets) and MI (management information)...its all about the MI apparently.