Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

[Chil1234]

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

Yes, my boss ends every staff meeting in the morning with "Let's go and change the world!" er...or teach some kids and mark some books.

These are so hilarious. DH has recently been given a management position and has basically been tasked with starting up a new team. He told me with some excitement that he had been given "...an open head count, & this is a really big thing because other areas in the company have got a complete head freeze". Really that all sounds a bit painful for all those heads, either being split open or frozen. I mean ffs just say I can employ some people but other managers can't!

Googoo crossed posted with you, do you ever gagg when she/he says that?

Oh yes and then I get official letters saying things like "I realise respect has to be earned and I have fallen wide of the mark with you" and "You will respect my authority in the staffroom and beyond". Do you think he/she means in the freezer aisle of Sainsbury's?

I like "lets stir fry in my strategy wok"

That's a Gus Hedges one as well.

I did have a call centre manager tell me he was going to "patch you through" to a colleaguei.e pass telephone call on.
He was in an office in Grimbsy. He thought he was in battle theatre in Aghanistan.
Def. in the TAs.

"going forward"....there will be violence.

"Leveraging our synergies".

I once put my career back years by asking someone in senior management who was presenting what that meant. Apparently it meant he had to bore the arse off us with 100 Powerpoint slides with silly diagrams.

"Agile development of software applications".

I always think of our computer people doing cartwheels and back springs while writing code whenever anyone talks about it. Someone asked me what agile development was once and whether we felt it benefited our company, and I said "it gets written down on a lot of Powerpoint slides so I assume someone actually knows what it means, as far as I'm concerned I tell the developers what they need to do and an end date and expect them to deliver. They do, but I don't check in what positions they sit at their computers while they actually do it". This was accepted as a competent answer and explains why I am currently looking for a new job as I just can't deal with people who would swallow crap like that.

Boffinmum, I love your academic meeting-speak, far classier than the rest of us

Zorayda, these are some of the handsignals.

I reckon some of you need the 'confused' one and the 'obscure language' one

love this thread! like others i hate "going forward", "diarise" and "drill down". Also "conversation" as in "the strategic planning group have yet to have that conversation" or " X and y are having that conversation next week".

oh I use 'conversation' regularly!! It dscribes exactly what is about to take place, surely? Alternative please?

'Diarise' makes me want to stab myself, and, I have just realised that my subconscious response is NOT to put it in my diary!

'Bleeding edge' always makes me cringe too...

Years ago I had a boss who used 'share' a lot as in 'I want to share this with you' Translation 'I am about to dump a shedload of work on you'

CriagrevelPan - can't they just say "we can discuss this later" or better yet, "let's talk about it". One guy actually said to me "we need to have a conversation about who should be having that conversation"

Rindercella - what on earth is cadence - I haven't heard that before.

I worked in IT so PICNIC was a fav as was FUBAR'ed (Fucked up beyond all repair) and 'Haven't a Scooby' (Scooby D0 = clue). Not so much corporate speak, but stupid just the same.
I love the scuba in your think tank - made me chuckle....
We have 'the daily shout' (10 min meeting in the corridor), and we too, 'manage expectations' (usually means lying about the deadlines)

I'm not a one trick pony, if fact I have a field full of ponies all running in your direction, willing to do anything for you!

This ones a real one!

'I hear what you're saying, I'll take it on board, I'll go away sharpen my pencil and get back to you!'

"work smarter, not harder"

"work smarter, not harder" - erm....sounds like good advice..........oops.

i think it's fairly spread across the genders.

an old maanger of mine from the 80's DID say once that we had to 'unzip the problem and get tooled up'...which is the worst example I've actually heard.

endless drivel:

low-hanging fruit (hate this one)
think outside the box
one team, one dream
business critical
touch base
diarize

Am on mat leave so have, mercifully, blocked some of it out.

oh and "let's greenfield it" as in lets throw it all away and start again because it was a pile of shite (work in IT)