Teachers. Admit it. This is a perk of the job isn't it?

[pagwatch]

Just got dds work home as she finishes this week.

In the bag are some things that are mounted and have clearly been on the wall either in the classroom or (gulp) the main corridors or halls.

In one she provides a slice of homelife which is mighty embarrassing and makes us sound like total wankers. She also talks about drinking wine. She is 8.

You find these things don't you, with a silent shout of glee. I have believed this since my mother told me about turning up at my school and on the wall was a picture I had drawn of her and dad 'playing in the bath'.

Come on. You might as well admit it....

and

Aw, doesn't this thread work out your smiley muscles?

I'm loving baby Cheeses watched over by Asians! More, please!

One child told me that morning the dog jumped up and bit his dad on the willy. Boy next to him calmly explained 'He probably thought it was a sausage!'
One girl told me she didnt say those prayers because she is a prostitant!

Walking thru town a week ago, past a lingerie shop and DS1 shouts back to me - Look mommy they are like the things you hold your boobies in!!
Just gotta love em!

When ds2 was in nursery his teacher pulled me to one side one morning ......smiling she asked me what 'happened' in our house every morning?
I asked why??

she explained with a every morning ds2 went into class smacked her on the bottom and said 'mornin' darling'....... I had to admit yes thats what Dh did in the morning to me.

did is the word 10 years on and all he wants in a morning is his tea and toast .

A girl in my class wanted to be the prostitute when we were playing football once. This involved standing on the sidelines and joining the game if someone was injured. Stuck in my mind lol.

did n't know whether to laugh or cry when i was pulled aside after school by dd then aged 4 teacher .dd had told her that she and daddy had been reading the "adult magazine daddy reads in the toilet" , on questioning dd she revealed it was the one with all the presents in as she wanted to write her christmas list . i can no longer look at the argos catalogue without cringing .

as a 5 year old i told my teacher my mum wasn't a christian because she wouldn' let me jump on the couch . my rational being that in the song it said i am the lord of the dance settee .

when asked to name a biblical character , i named bertie basset as the prayer said in allsorts (all assaults) of our enemy and if there were allsorts thaen bertie must be there 2 . i was only 3.

Love the bum smacking.

I went to pick up my niece once who I was going to look after for the weekend. I'd stopped to buy my daughter and myself a drink and when we got there she told everyone that:

I'd bought her some orange juice, some water for her cousing and that I had already finished my bottle of wine

It was diet coke - she'd got muddled up with the drinks she wasn't allowed. The inlaws didn't seem that keen on me taking her in the car though!

i was ten when my sister was born,i repeated all i'd heard. weight,name and 'she had a lot of stitches' in my news about the baby at carpet time.

Oh, crumbs, yes, PublicHair (nice name!) - the look of utter horror on my (childless) teacher's face when I wrote the story of the Nativity soon after my sister's very difficult birth. Poor Mary went through every tribulation I'd heard the grown-ups discussing during Mum's labour

Mrs S did go on to have a son, but I bet she delayed ttc longer than she meant to ...

... iirc, one of the Wise men acted as obstetrician

My big brother, aged 4 or 5, wrote in his news book, 'My granny died last night'. On the opposite page there was a picture of her sitting up in bed with a big smile on her face

These are fantastic! The dad sitting on the armchair picking his teeth had me in hysterics!

I used to cringe when I went to pick DD up from nursery when she was 2 or 3 as the nursery nurses were always eager to tell me what she had been saying that day. Highlights include how mummy drinks too much wine, daddy likes beers and pizza, daddy kicked her( ) and she also told Santa Claus that mummy hits her round the head! It's a wonder I've not been paid a visit by social services...

I also remember writing an essay for Higher English when I was about 16 and describing how I'd went to watch Jools Holland in concert, and how mighty impressed I'd been when each of the band members stepped to the front of the stage to display their enormous talent. My English teacher found it very amusing but made me change it

DD1 is in nursery, and has been practising her carol singing all weekend. So apparently Ali's in a manger with no crisps for a bed.

When my OH was baptised our eldest got it into her head that Daddy was going to be drowned. Not sure where that came from as she'd never seen a baptism before. She was also asking if Grandpa (my grandad) was going to be drowned as well (he was helping at the service).

Mum took her to school the next day and we decided it was best she explained to the teachers what had happened before she upset anyone.

Mum: I need to tell you something before Eldest says anything.
Eldest: Daddy drowned on Sunday
Teacher's hand flew to her mouth, she gasped and turned white.
Mum: No, no, it's OK, he hasn't drowned! He was baptised on Sunday and Eldest has been calling it drowning.
She then had to comfort the poor teacher who was in shock!

The Christmas story now features baby cheeses Ali, no crisps for a bed, being watched over by Asians ...

There's a pleasantly multicultural theme emerging here, I feel ...

I think the Sweden/Swindon confusion is fantastic

And "I am a teacher and once I put the word symmetry on the board and asked the children if anyone knew what it meant (year 1). One little girl called Kimberley put up her hand. Is it where you take flowers to dead people miss?"

For some reason the thing that makes me laugh about that is the name Kimberley

At one place I worked the ordering system was outsourced to Swindon and I thought it was Sweden for about a month.

Have I mentioned how much I love GetOrf recently?

I teach primary 4 and we were writing descriptions of Santa's workshop last week.

One piece spoke about the 'noisy machines making toys', 'the elves singing', 'the sparkling Christmas lights and Santa and Mrs Claus making love'!!

(the next line said 'Christmas trees' so I'm hoping the boy meant 'Santa and Mrs Claus making LOVELY Christmas trees'!)

Oh god, just caught up with this, some fab ones. I love ' even murderers get to eat breakfast in peace'...

Dd was talking in year one about the differences in the seasons and added helpfully that in winter it is 'wineoclock' but in summer it is 'pimmsoclock'.

brilliant thread!

i work in a school for teenage boys with EBD.

one lad was making a card for his mum. he said "miss..how do you spell violence?" i, a bit concerned, asked why he wanted to write violence in a card for his mum..."roses are red, violence are blue..."

another time, we were discussing water cycles and condensation.... he knew what condensation was..its what you get when you fall over and sue the council!!!

to a teacher "fuck off you paedophile" teacher says "do you know what a paedophile is?" kid says "yeah, its a dinosaur!"

my fave was just last week..we were saying we would be having a sing song of some carols... kid pipes up..."oh! i LOVE that one (and sings loudly) 'on the first day of christmas, my mother gave to meeeeee!'"

My mum was doing circle time with a class at her school discussing that the children had been doing at the weekend. It was all going well til some little boy told her hr had been robbing with his dad and they had got a lawn mower from the vicar's shed

Oh im loving these.....we had another 'funny' last night .....ds2 has got a new ipod,raving about its applications he announces its got a 'paedometer' and he has been checking it all day so he doesnt believe there are a lot of paedophiles where we live .....anyway I look at it out of curiousity and its a bloomin'pedometer .....ds2 is 15 and v embarrased about this - so dont tell anyone ...

Oh god.. 'paedometer'.... I'm cryng!

"no DS2 of course vie not told anyone. Well, no one except a thousand or so random people on the Internet..."

Seraphina's mum can't have been all that bad... They were having fresh veg for tea after all! We had potato waffles mostly iirc!

dontlet - I know im still laughing about it now!!!.