Teachers. Admit it. This is a perk of the job isn't it?

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Just got dds work home as she finishes this week.

In the bag are some things that are mounted and have clearly been on the wall either in the classroom or (gulp) the main corridors or halls.

In one she provides a slice of homelife which is mighty embarrassing and makes us sound like total wankers. She also talks about drinking wine. She is 8.

You find these things don't you, with a silent shout of glee. I have believed this since my mother told me about turning up at my school and on the wall was a picture I had drawn of her and dad 'playing in the bath'.

Come on. You might as well admit it....

and

In my (very normal) village primary I happened to be in a class with a girl from a very well connected family (at least until she was whisked off to boarding school at about 7).

It was the year of the royal wedding and the teacher was asking us individually who our favourite member of the royal family was.

We all predictably said Lady Diana, but when it got to this girl, she replied thoughtfully "Well I haven't spent any time with Lady Diana but Princess Anne and the Queenmother are very nice."

She thought we were all choosing our favourite from personal experience like her. I've often wondered what was going through the teacher's head at the time.

My mum was a teacher and took her class to the ballet one day. They were asked to write about it the next day and one girl wrote "the man dancer has a lump in his tights so the girl dancer can stand on it to get on his shoulders"

She also stood up and told the class one day "right, you can all fart your stractions". She came home and told us, finishing with "and you know, not one of the buggers laughed!" Not surprised really, she is quite formidable!

I must bump this as I am CRYING!

I know this is old but I've been crying with laughter, and have a few to add.

When I was about 6 I heard a poem I thought was hysterical. It went something like:

As I was looking up at the sky
A bird came along and pooped in my eye.
And wiping it so I'd not cry
I thought 'isn't it lucky that cows can't fly.'

I told it to everyone! Problem was I'd completely misremembered the end of the second line and said 'a bird came along and made love in my eye.' it proved a very popular poem and I remember my mum and ban asking me to repeat it endlessly. I was chuffed to bits that they thought it Si hilarious, they'd literally be crying with laughter. I thought it must be the way I said it.

Can't tell you how I felt when DECADES later it dawned on me what I had been saying!

Another time, aged about 7, I held court in my class over the subject of Santa. I swore blind that I had actual video footage of him parking his sleigh on my roof, coming down the chimney, leaving presents, eating mince pies then disappearing in a puff of sparkles. One snotty pupil told me it must have been my dad but I got quite angry at him as I'd just explained about the reindeer on my roof AND the sparkles, then got annoyed as I could see my teacher laughing at me out of the corner if my eyes.

Teacher: 'Children, what do apples make?

Me, aged 5: 'Cider'

My DH is Greek, and last year he went home to help his poorly Mum while DD and I stayed here. She told all her teachers that Greece is having some problems, because they don't have enough money, but that it would be okay because her Daddy had gone to sort it all out. She is in reception. DH was a bit startled when he went to pick her up and her grinning teacher started quizzing him on the state of the Euro.

Mind you, its his fault, he keeps telling her stuff without realising she'll repeat it. He is a software engineer/r&d person, but as he works near a bridge, DD believes his explanation that his job is to save drowning children from the river. She even explained it to the visiting district nurse, at length.

I know of one little girl who wrote that she went to nofuck for her holiday.

Probably not that funny but was to my mum. When i was 7 or 8 i came home from school and asked "mum am I a protestant or a priest"

Doesnt seem that funny but this was Northern Ireland around the time of the good friday agreement and I lived in a very protestant area.... I had been to Sunday school since I was 3 but never knew what a priest was or religion I was. Not good in NI during that time lol

This year i taught year 6. Starting the subject of microrganisms I asked if anyone knew anything about it. One boy asled if it was to do with sex. All the adults eyes dropped to the floor and i battled not to.lose it imagining tiny orgasmsd!

This is hilarious - am crying with laughter here!
My son told his teacher that his mummy and daddy didn't live together and mummy lived with Jamie now because "he has a bigger willy than my daddy!"
My ex and I separated when DS was 20 months, all very civil, no one else involved! We did both re-marry after about 4 years (other people that is) and willy size was not a factor in any of it!

Brilliant!

My 'little darling' was seen by an ed psych recently who wanted his views on schools... He was asked 'If you had 3 wishes to change school what would they be?' He only needed 2 wishes...

'Stop all lessons' and 'Sack all the teachers'

That little beauty is in his report for his statement and been shared with all parties!!!

In reception he called out in assembly to a policeman that 'You can buy them re-feck-tors at Lidl for 3 quid'

He told the school vicar that last time he was at rugby I drank so much wine I couldn't drive home... and it wasn't the first time it had happened!
(happened twice and both times at the presentation ball a year apart!)

He does have ASD so he just shares and his logic is absolutely spot on but not quite as you know it.... It's led to much assuming that it's learnt behr....

But really I do not think odd socks actually match on the basis that they were both bought at Asda!

When my DD was in y 2 she constantly forgot to bring her lunch box home. One morning, very early because I was working from 7.30 am until 8 pm, I discovered she had not brought her lunchbox home. I told my dad (who was taking her to school) and DD that she'd have to have school dinners today and to tell the teacher during the register.

Fast forward to that afternoon, I had a missed call from school. So i called them back. Apparently DD had told the teacher when she sat down to lunch with yesterday's half eaten packed lunch that I had said she had to eat it a second day running as she was wasting food! They fully believed her and the head teacher had actually paid for her to have a school dinner! The teacher said that she could see where I was coming from but wasn't sure that making her eat manky old sandwiches was the best way. Obviously I told them my version of events and DD admitted later that she had forgotten to say school dinners during the register and had panicked. I could have died!

OH MY!!! wetting myself with laughter!!

When I was about 6ish... I was round my grandmas house with all aunties, uncles and every one, think we were talking about dreams,
when I piped up "my mum has nightmares!"
my mum "really?"
me "yes in the middle of the night, i always hear you going ahh ahh ahh"
(i actually made the sex noises)

my mum and dad looked very embaressed, got very cross, and they very quickly left, and in the car on the way back home, i got bollocked... but i was clueless, didnt think id done anything wrong. until i remembered years later, makes me cringe haha...

Hilarious stories, so funny I am feeling very brave even contemplating adding anything to it...

In my primary school, class full of 10/11yo kids. Two kids (a boy and a girl) were bickering while teacher had stepped out of the room. Both kids were confident types and neither was going to back down.
Things were getting heated when the boy, quite muscular for his age, obviously thought he'd play his trump card and silence his opponent with the threat of violence, he snarled with meaningful emphasis "if you aren't careful I'm gonna put you in the maternity ward" - to which the entire class creased up entirely and irretrievably, there wasn't a dry eye in the room when teacher came back in and had to try to restore order. The mirth lasted all day and the poor lad in question never lived it down. It remains to this day a memory of one of the best ever days at school for the sheer funny factor.

A few years ago i was looking after my friends three sons and we were all sitting down to dinner, with my two daughters. As we were eating i asked all the kids how school had been that day.

Friends middle son aged five perked up "i had sex today"

(it was a girl in his class giving him a kiss and running away!)

Year 4 class writing their own rules for living (inspired by the 10 Commandments). Lots of ideas like do not fight, be kind to your family etc. One boy included "Do not light pubic fires." I think he'd missed an l out...

My DS(7) at the time was telling me about some of the kids at the school and what they had been up to. "And then they shagged" he said!!

After a bit of confusion, I worked out that he thought shagging meant kissing!!

When DS2 was 8 his dad was late taking him to school, DS1 said "Tell them your dad's incompetent" So DS2 marches in and says loudly, "Sorry I'm late, my dad's incontinent"!!!

My mum was a bit annoyed with:

'...a party at my auntie's house. Uncle Albert was there. He told dirty jokes and everybody laughed.'

And very glad it wasn't my dad who saw:

'.... this weekend my grandad died. He was my daddy's daddy. It is very sad....'

above this story was my drawing of my grandad lying dead at a bus stop.

Me and mum found an old exercise book of mine from about age 9 where I had to answer a science question at school. It was along the lines of... Why do animals give birth to a whole litter of babies, when humans tend to only give birth to one? I'd answered, short and sweet, "Humans can't cope with more than one child at a time". I got a huge red tick and "Good answer!"
Mum was pretty embarrassed (about 15 years late)

I asked my class to write about their hopes and dreams for the year ahead. A Y4 girl wrote, "I want to read three really big books this year. I'm getting them with my Christmas money. One is called Fifty Shades of Grey, one is Fifty Shades Darker and I can't remember the other one." Her Mum was mortified!

When I was a student teacher I was teaching a lesson in which the class (year 5 so 9/10) were learning about the respiratory system. When I pointed out the diaphragm a very sensible girl's hand shot up, "Miss, my mum's got a diaphragm in her underwear drawer."

Needless to say I had to stage a coughing fit so I could leave the classroom for five minutes!

Following on from Kacy - my year 7 class put together their Summer Reading lists last week, one task for this they had to which books they were looking forward to reading the most. When I checked one girl's list she had Fifty Shades of Grey on there, the worst part was that it was 'recommended' by another girl in the class. When I asked the girl if she had actually read it, she replied "no, but my mum reads it all the time. Its on my list so I've only put two more books on there because it takes so long to read. My mum has had it for year now and still hasn't finished, she has to read it in the bedroom on her own so she can concentrate and only dad is allowed in there to help her".

AARGH! I was howling, I'm dreading parents eve!

Hahaha loving this thread.

Reminds me of when I was about 3yo and I went to a childminder who was teetotal and frequent drinking holes very much. On trips out we used to pass pubs which me and my parents went to for Sunday lunches. So there was me pointing out all the best pubs to go to with particular recommendations going to the ones which had the best play areas.