Help - just found out am expecting twins and very upset

[ConfusedBiscuit]

Hi I'm new (!) and am just looking for some non-judgemental help and advice. Please be nice to me!

I am 12 weeks pregnant, had my first scan today and found out I am carrying twins. If I'm honest I would have to say that I am devastated by the news. I was so happy when I found out that I was pregnant and now feel that all the happiness has been taken away from me and my situation seems so unfair. I just think ?why me??.

I really love babies and was so looking forward to the first year but feel sad that with twins it will be so much more stressful that I won?t be able to enjoy it and am also sad that I will only experience the baby stage once if we only have 2 children which is likely.

I am also self-employed and was planning to keep working part-time after the birth but feel this will be so much harder and that anytime I spend away from them will be doubled as there are two and I won?t have those experiences with a later child.

I am worried about simple, stupid things like how I will go out shopping etc on my own with them. I could really imagine how this would be with one child but the idea seems impossible now.

Even I think all this sounds incredibly selfish and I know that twins can happen to anyone but at the moment I just feel as if I?m trapped in a nightmare and can?t wake up. Looking on the web etc there just seem to be endless people who are overjoyed to find they are having twins and I feel like an alien in comparison.

Sorry for babbling on. I feel like I need someone to give me some objective advice and don?t know where to start.

believe me you will get very fed up of all the special attention and extra appointments! I wouldn't worry too much at this stage then you will probably find that after 20 weeks or so you will have lots of extra scans and check ups. The extra scans are fun though, it was amazing having so many and really seeing the developement each time.

Also a twin birth doesn't have to be hugely medicalised. You might not go anywhere near a needle! I actually had a section as mine were breech (at my request, the consultant wanted vaginal) and it was a very positive experience.

I'm feeling a lot happier today. I can't even really say why and think I must be going slightly mad.!

Maybe it's because last night was the first time I actually slept properly since I found out but I think probably it's just sinking in that this really is happening and it isn't the end of the world and we will cope somehow.

I'm glad you feel a bit brighter. I think so many (if not all) twin parents can relate to the feeling of "losing out" when they find out the news that they're having a multiple birth. My babies were IVF so I was delirious when I found out the cycle had work and, although I knew it would be muhc harder than a single pregnancy, I had my head up in the clouds for quite a while.

However, I had my fair share of "why me?" moments when they were born instead and so in some ways I think it would have been much easier had I gone through those emotions when I first found out I was pregnant. I could have processed it all. As it was, I found it quite hard to come to terms with the things I couldn't do as a mother to twins and I wasted an awful lot of time and energy comparing myself (bitterly ) to people with one baby. There was I wrestling my giant pram through doors and not being able to fit into coffee shops and staring with undisguised hatred at people dreamily sipping coffees with their tiny prams.

I got over that though and started to concentrate on all the positives instead. There ARE things that are much harder with two babies but you find a way around it. You DO cope and you do get organised and you find a way that works for you. And you don't look back. And you get lots of support and you get lots of admiration and as useless as that is at 4am when one won't feed and the other has a dirty nappy, it does bolster you through the early days when you need it most. Now I'd chose twins over and over. They are the BEST thing that has ever happened to me and I feel blessed to have them. There's something very special about twins and so there's also something very special about being a parent of twins. It's a great privilege that many long for but not many get.

There are so many things you can do to make the first few months easier and it's true that it gets easier all the time. The first year is hard but then friends reliably inform me that the first year with one baby is hard - if that's all you know then that feels like the hardest thing out there. But when they're a year old and they start playing together and don't need mummy's attention so much THAT'S when your friends with one baby will start to envy you. They've had the easier first year but going forwards you have two babies who will always have each other.

Sorry to waffle so much but your post really struck a chord and we've all been there at some point. Some when they find out and some when their babies are born, but it's normal and natural. It's a huge thing to come to terms with but, once you do, it's the greatest gift you'll ever had.

I hope this helps.
Kx

Dear Confusedbiscuit
I am glad you are sleeping better and being happier.
I have resolved to put the
"How did we feel when we new we were expecting 2 babies ?"
at the top of my class plan when I teach my new twins classes in Reading on Feb 11th.Your comments brought home to me the huge variety of emotions experienced, but as kitstwins said she was delirious to conceive after IVF.
Thanks mars for being so supportive and I hope we will get a chance to share real rather than virtual cake soon.

We will Galaxy... we will! Feb 11th is the day that my DTs will be 4

Seems to be a confectionary theme going here...

confusedbiscuit
kitstwins (makes me think of kitkat)
marslady
galaxymummy

I think I need a chocolate fix quickly.

Biscuit glad you are feeling a bit happier. It really is very special to get TWO babies. And very clever .

I have five year old b/g twins and I must admit that I felt exactly as you describe. It was a complete shock when I found out at my first scan, and my mind was racing with endless scenarios.

I must admit when I got used to the idea I was really overjoyed, and thought that I wouldn't panic anymore and would just get on with it.

As I didn't have any older children to compare it to, I found that once they were born I just got on with all the duties. There are difficult times, but its easy to fulfill both children's needs when they are at the same age in life. I can't give any real advice, as you will just find that you cope with it. And when people say to you "Oooh, it must be so hard having twins" you will probably feel the same twinge of defensiveness as I do.."Well, actually its not that hard!"

I don't have any advice as don't have twins, you will cope & they will bering you sooo much love & joy, just having one brings you enough but 2 would be fab

Dear Egg
I love chocolate but nickname associated with sailing not chocolate had great holiday 2 years ago in lake district learning to sail on a galaxy type boat.
I actually adore leonidas belgian chocs and stuff called orangetten.
which is orange peel covered in dark chocolate(belgian)

Message withdrawn

Mighty mighty congratulations. In 1981 - December 10th to be precise - I went into hospital because im a very yummy chubby mummy and they were worried about my blood pressure. My single baby was due on January 10th. They sent me for an x ray - only scans for problem mums in those days - and I found out I was having twins. TEN DAYS LATER on December 28th, 1981 I had non identical twin boys. I had never done any babysitting, never changed a nappy, never fed a baby etc etc. There is only one true saying in life CE SERA SERA - whatever will be will be. You will be fine - I promise. Listen especially to my wonderful friend 'triplet' she will sort you out. Would love to meet Marslady - could swop some good stories. When you look around the world your situation could be so much worse, be happy sweetheart - if you need my e mail address just let me know. TWINS!!!!!!!! AMAZING

Ooooh galaxy! I love Leonidas chocs. We went to Brussels once and Bruges twice and stocked up on them. Mmmmm

Scooby - so will we be seeing you on an ante natal thread soon then if DP thinks broody is good? Thanks for lovely comments on my DTs, they are looking uber cute at mo in bed with heads together all cuddled up .

Shabster - what a fab story! Must have been a real shock to find out at that late stage, but less time to worry about it though .

And finally, back to the OP , how are you feeling now after the weekend biscuit? Hope you are continuing to feel more upbeat about having TWO .

Shab just read your profile. I'm so sorry

I have friends up in Preston (well near Preston). I'm due to visit them again so I'll let you know when I'm travelling north of Watford and we'll get together.

you'll be fine. just imagine if it were triplets or quads. you'll be fine going out, all you need is a double buggy. can you imagine going shopping with a buggy for 4 babies?

Thanks for your message MarsLady. We are beginning to recover! It has been many, many years but it only takes one song, one scent, one 'stray' thought! We have battled through and now have the most wonderful future with our first grandbaby! Due on 10th June. Life is not always horrible. The words lights and tunnels spring to mind. Onwards and upwards. Always very envious of anyone who has the extra special blessing of multiple births. Thank you once again xxx

Oh Shabster . I have now looked. I am so sorry for the loss of your two boys. Glad that you are having some lovely joy with the excitement of the first grandchild . I see from your last post that you are already friends with the lovely triplets, I imagine you can give each other a lot of comfort and strength. She is definitely a fabulous and inspiring lady .

I have no idea what it is like to have twins, but my mum does as I am one.

From what I gather, the first year was definitely a blur and she has very little memory of things like when we learned to walk/talk as she was so busy. (Back in the early 70's she was certainly expected to welcome my Dad home from work with a meal and I can't believe he did any ironing) She was very glad to go back to work part-time as a physio when we were 2 to get some grown-up time.

HOWEVER! I definitely think that like Trolleydolly says there is an upside. When looking after DS when he was an only she commented about how much entertainment he seemed to require and how she used to just put us in the play pen and we would entertain each other. She has always said that she thinks having two at the same stage is easier in some ways than having to chase after a toddler with a baby under your arm/combine a newborn with toilet training etc. You also get past things like GCSE's and A-levels in one go rather than the whole thing dragging on for years.

I don't think you really get to do the Precious Firstborn thing with twins, (search for threads with PFB) but I am sure others would agree with me that this is perhaps no bad thing.

Morning Egg. Triplets is just the best friend, we have only met once but we connect in every way - she has pulled me back onto this planet many times. We always manage to find humour in every awful situation.

CONFUSEDBISCUIT I hope some of the things that have been said on here have helped. It is a daunting prospect but a truly amazing one as well. Please keep us informed every step of the way - there will always be someone on here for you. All the very best of luck for you xxx

Shabster my dearest friend! Lovely to have you on here with us multipple mums, you will fit in nicely I know! You too have given me hope when times have been hard, you have been my inspiration and my mate! Come over to our regular thread, with the shag pile title, we are infamous for racing through threads! About time we had a meet up, never got to be you know whose bridesmaids did we?

hiya triplets - i always wondered what the shag pile thread was all about! Not like me to not nosey - see you there later xx

how are you getting on now, biscuit?

Hi

I have twin boys who are now five (and I even braved another 1 baby boy last year!)I have to say that I was very career orientated before having twins (I still am actually but there has had to be xome compromise for a while there). As many people have said it is not easy at the beginning but I can truly say that the highs so outweight the lows. There is something so privileged and special about being a twin mum and such an amazing bond between the children too. I look at them both tucked up at night and now that they are happy to have come into the world together. I actually feel a bit sad for their little brither sometimes as he will never have this experience. Best of luck and let us know how you get on

Hi. Sorry I haven't been around for a bit.

Am doing a lot better now.

A couple of days a ago a had a long phone chat with a friend who has 6 year old twin girls (she's the only person I know in real life with twins). She's lovely and it was really helpful. I'm going to go and see her and her girls soon, and she has lots of twin books and other bunf to lend me.

I've also told quite a few people over the last few days and everyone was so happy for me and extra excited because it's twins. People only really see the scary side if it's happening to them.

Am so glad I found this place, you're all complete stars - I expect you'll be hearing a lot more from me. I think I've realised that although it's scary there are lots and lots of good things about having twins and I'm actually getting quite excited about it now despite still having about 23 'oh my God' reality check moments a day. It's happening now, so I may as well just get on with it

yay biscuit glad you are feeling happier. I also found everyone was VERY excited when I told them, much more so than if it was just one. Please do come over to the multiples threads whenever you feel ready.

I am really quite loving having twins at the mo , although yesterday was a hard day, but that was mainly cos of DS1!!!