Help - just found out am expecting twins and very upset

[ConfusedBiscuit]

Hi I'm new (!) and am just looking for some non-judgemental help and advice. Please be nice to me!

I am 12 weeks pregnant, had my first scan today and found out I am carrying twins. If I'm honest I would have to say that I am devastated by the news. I was so happy when I found out that I was pregnant and now feel that all the happiness has been taken away from me and my situation seems so unfair. I just think ?why me??.

I really love babies and was so looking forward to the first year but feel sad that with twins it will be so much more stressful that I won?t be able to enjoy it and am also sad that I will only experience the baby stage once if we only have 2 children which is likely.

I am also self-employed and was planning to keep working part-time after the birth but feel this will be so much harder and that anytime I spend away from them will be doubled as there are two and I won?t have those experiences with a later child.

I am worried about simple, stupid things like how I will go out shopping etc on my own with them. I could really imagine how this would be with one child but the idea seems impossible now.

Even I think all this sounds incredibly selfish and I know that twins can happen to anyone but at the moment I just feel as if I?m trapped in a nightmare and can?t wake up. Looking on the web etc there just seem to be endless people who are overjoyed to find they are having twins and I feel like an alien in comparison.

Sorry for babbling on. I feel like I need someone to give me some objective advice and don?t know where to start.

oh god i'm working really early on friday and i don't think i'm coming tomorrow...

I will. just not tomorrow. you don't understnad how hard it's been with ds not sleeping.

would say that i think we can see light at the end of the tunnel, but actually that would jinx me so i wont

And yet we don't see you there bella tsk tsk

Oh Mars, nothing gets past you... I lurk and read much more than I post!

bellababy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stern Look!!!

I have one year old identical twin girls.I suppose it does make some things harder having twins, but those things are few and far between. To be honest it becomes so much part of your life, you can't imagine it anyother way.

When I watch the girls chatting and playing with eachother I feel honoured to be a witness to this unique bond they have...and be able to watch it grow. (So soppy! )

I tell you -
The first time your twins notice eachother is breathtaking.
The first time they smile at eachother will break your heart.
I never laugh so much as when they are having fits of giggles together.

And there's so much more to come.....

Hi biscuit, have not read all responses but I know lots of the multiple ladies will have given you good advice.

I have some teeny twins now, who are three weeks old today , plus a 23 month old son. I was horrified to find there were two in there as we had only planned to have two children for all the practical reasons... money, house, car etc.

I was terrified as really found it hard when my first DS was born, but so far it really hasn't been all that bad, and I have managed to get all three out a few times on my own, which is no mean feat considering a buggy board will not work on my double buggy!

I really have found that you become much more organised all of a sudden, and because you expect it to be so bad, hard, terrifying, it really isn't. OK so it is very early days and I will probably be eating my words but I feel very lucky to have these two little sweethearts as well as my son.

I also moved from London recently (after we found out we were having twins, needed a bigger house!), but my family are all still in SE London, in Dulwich and Forest Hill, are they anywhere near you? Once the babies are a bit older I will be going to see them once in a while and would love to come and see you if you fancy it.

Anyway, it took me a while to get used to, but after a few weeks you find yourself terrified something is going to happen to one of them and realising that actually you do want two.

You can email me on christina hutchings @ hotmail.com (no spaces) if you fancy a chat.

Hmmm, I ignored a baby crying while I was typing and now there is silence again...

oh and have a look at my profile, new pics added of all my little ones!

Knowing nothing about multiple births, can I just stick my head round the corner and say I am envious of people who have two children at the same time, purely because they will play together/entertain each other, and not be so easily bored or lonely - as far as I know!!
That would be the one thing I'd have liked for Ds1, someone to keep him company. So I could Mn more

Norksbride how lovely of you to say that about us

Now Biscuit i know exactly how you feel, i have been there. I have always wanted children and had grandioso ideas about how i would do it. Of course that all went out the window (along with my sanity) when i found myself pregnant with triplets at 21. I was shattered, i just kept thinking that i had been cheated out of my lovely one to one first baby experience.

I lost one of the triplets at 15 weeks and never looked back. The twins were born at 29 weeks, i adore them now They are the funniest duo you could ever meet. It was hard to start with and a steep learning curve in terms of parenting, but if i had had MN and the lovely multiples thread i am sure it would have made it ten times easier.

I have had 6 children now and would just love another set of twins

Come on over

Hi biscuit, and congratulations.

I think what you are feeling is probably experienced by most mums of multiples. It does feel as if something is taken away from you as having two in one go is so different to a single. All the plans that you have made are thrown up into the air. But, they really do make up for it, when they are born and sucking each others fists, or when they start chatting to each ohter and hatching plots of troublemaking!

I didn't find out until I was 20 weeks, though by then I was pretty certain there were two. The pg was unplanned in any case, then to find out it is twins was one hell of a shock. My poor dp looked like he was going to pass out!

It certainly isn't the bed of roses that a lot of people seem to dream about, but you do find ways of coping. I ended up with four under the age of 5, and we were living in a tiny two bed flat up on the second floor. We got through it and I wouldn't change it for the world. I think you need to give yourself some time to get used to the idea - it took most of their first year I think before I completely got used to the idea of being a mum of twins!

Do jump in the thread, I think I started posting while pg, and it helped so much.

There are so many lovely people on here!. It's really helpful reading you responses and knowing there are people who've had similar feelings.

I do feel a bit calmer today after the shock and panic has subsided. I just feel incredibly sad that the experience I thought I was going to have is not going to happen and that this really quite unikely thing has happened to me. As a couple of others have said, it really feels like something has been taken away from me. It's really hard to accept that people think I'm lucky or would want to congratulate me.

Whilst I am concerned about the practicalities of twins but in many ways that's the least of my worries. My DH is really supportive and I know it will be incredibly hard but we will be able to cope. I'm sure there are others in far more difficult situations.

The other thing is that I was already terrified about the birth, as I have real problems with hospital/needles etc, but it seems about 5 times as scary now. I was seriously considering a home birth, but that seems pretty unlikely. It seems to be a huge challenge to give birth to twins without it being a huge medical drama.

Another ramble... It's good to get my thoughts in order

Biscuit - hello and welcome! I think one thing you can cling onto is that you haven't had one baby before these two. These will be your first, so you will be going in blind and you will just cope and get on with it - you will be the hero of your "mums of one" friends.

I was the first of my group of friends to have any kids and they would invite me round or invite me out and not realise how hard it was for me to leave the house, let alone leave it dressed with matching shoes and two babies in sensible clothing. Now they have all started to have kids of their own, albeit, singletons, they are in awe of what I have achieved. My horrors angels are now three and absolutely adorable and hilareous and i don't think twice about the fact I HAVE TWINS, life is just the way it is for me. You adapt techniques for getting stuff done etc etc. Thats not to say my first year wasn't shit! But I think you can spoil, as someone else said, your first year by expecting too much. Having a baby (one or two) is hard work, you are going to be tired, you are gonna be fat (in first few months), you are not gonna be swanning off if your designer gear to have coffee every lunchtime.

Try not to mentally picture life with the twins at this stage - enjoy being pregnant, enjoy the attention, tell everyone you are eating for three, talk about yourself as much as poss, cos in 6 or so months time, it will all be about them and NOT you!

Stay in touch, keep posting, we will get you through this and out the other side. Most of us are still in touch with a few of their original marbles!

not sure you will be allowed a home birth if these are your first - you should be under consultant care now not midwifery

Biscuit I had a really quite easy and fairly "pleasant" birth with my twins. It was more or less the same as the birth of my son and certainly no worse, except the thought of having to push another one out, but as it was I didn't even feel the second one come out! I was worried I would need a c-section, was even tempted to ask for one so I didn't have the uncertainty but am glad it all worked out naturally in the end.

And at least if you do have a c-section, you wont have to worry about lifting a toddler as well and can just get on with enjoying the little ones .

And having a twin pregnancy is EXTRA special, you will get much more attention and get to see them on scans all the time .

I'm a bit worried because they didn't really say anything at the hospital after the scan about how my care would be different because of the twins. I just have another midwife appointment in 5 weeks (!).

Would really like to know what's going on and if I should be having special attention.

it does depend on your area i think, but i was referred to a consultant after my 12 scan and saw her at 16 weeks (the first time i heard their hearbeats too!). I gave birth at 29 weeks, so only saw her a few times, but was reassuring to know I had someone dedicated to making sure i was looked after properly.

My special attention didn't start til later. I had a 12 week scan, and then nothing until 20 week scan. No midwife or hospital visits...

ah, but egg, you got lots and lots of special attention from your mn buddies

As I was pg with Identical twins, I had lots of attention from the beginning, as they are higher risk.
I wanted a home birth origionally, but that was not an option. I ended up having a tricky pregancy and they were born at 26 weeks. All's great now, but it's amazing how your ideals change when you need to make decisions. Take each step at a time, and don't try to plan too much, like any pregnancy.
Enjoy it, and take each week as it comes.

Hi biscuit, I felt just like you - I had my scan in my lunch hour & sat in a daze for hours before going back to work. Cried for two days...

Lots of good advice on here. All I can add is for you to allow yourself the time to get used to it. It has advantages and disadvantages compared to one baby; it's just a different scenario.

Doubtless it's harder with two, but also a shorter period of 'nappy time', which you might be grateful for. Also it can be easier than having to take into account the needs of different ages.

Mine are 14 now, and I love the fact that they are the same age. They are wonderful!

Congratulations.

I remember the feeling well confusedbiscuit.... I had one very demanding toddler when i found out I was having twins, I only wanted another because I thought a playmate for him would help!!! I still have that 'why me?' feeling, but now its more a feeling of than anything else.
It is hard work in the beginning, (but so is a single baby for the parents), but preparing yourself for it mentally (and otherwise) will be a huge help and you will really enjoy it. The multiples mums here give endless support which helped me come so much.

I also worried about the practical stuff, I love my freedom and hate being stuck at home, so within reason I do what I want. Its tough with the 3, but there is nothing I feel I can't or wouldn't do with the twins on my own that I could do with one.

BTW Congratulations on your pregnancy ! We love newbies!!!!

hi biscuit - hope you are feeling a bit better today..i don't have twins but my dh is a twin and his mum never fails to tell me that when she found out (at 6 mo pg!! No scans in those days, just x-rays..) that she was having twins she cried for a week..
i know she would say its hard work but also great that they have a playmate when they get old enough for that. I think she counts it as a great blessings now..
all the very best to you - you won't believe how much MN can become your second family in the next few months!

Hi biscuit I wish I'd found mn when I was pg rather than when they were nearly 3! It is a massive support to knwo that you're not alone!

Yep these girls are esp good for advice on double buggies etc too . You will get everything you need (except sleep) from MN!

We're here for support and virtual cake! Do lean on us. We've been there and you WILL come through it!