D'ya ever wonder... Just wonder?

[MiniSoksMakeHardWork]

Evening ladies. Since we're at 999 now. Was feeling reflective tonight.

Oh shabs. (((Hugs)))

Off to OT again today. See if this time is a little more successful!

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Happy birthday to my beautiful baby girl, Aubrey Greta, who turns 3 years old today!! She's growing up so fast! I love you farther than the moon and back xxxx

Happy birthday Aubrey. Xx

Happy birthday Aubrey xxx
Soks - hope you finally got to see the OT
Shabbs- the nights were what finally did me in with my lovely mum, I just couldn't be up all night with her wandering around and then work or look after my family during the day. Hope you find somewhere nice and not too distant from you. Can anyone else give you a break for a night just so you can get some rest?

Yup. We were late though but she was fine about it. Said James has progressed with his pen grip since last time.

Shabs. I can sympathise with waking nights. Have just had to take the side of Joshua's cot off, after the little Houdini decided he really didn't want to stay in it tonight, and that jumping on Jennifer would be a good idea. 3 hours to get everyone to sleep. Needless to say, Joshua was last and most resistant.

Can you hear that? It's the sound of a sleeping household. It's lovely. I have not stopped all day, my feet hurt, DH is in bed with a headache and my dad is sharing a bed with 3 Dc because the boys and K refused to settle anywhere but with papa. Who knew Melon would make them hyper. I am enjoying an ice cold glass of Shloer brought over by my lovely dad and I am going to leave cleaning until tomorrow. My garden is a mess and the dog needs a bath (he somehow managed to end up in the pond with A...)

Would she sleep better in her own home Shabs, she might feel more secure? It must be so so hard for you because its not allowing you to grieve for your lovely Dad. I hope you get some help quickly. xx

Happy Birthday to Aubrey xx

big changes have happened today. If I have already put this on please ignore me and smile and nod. Mums house is a real family sized home - it is raised off the ground which means a steep driveway and steps all the way up to the house. She cant go back there on her own - she would not survive a day. Its on a very busy road - Manchester to Bolton main road. Today we took her to see a beautiful nursing home in a posh bit of Bolton - oh yes those post bits exist. It was lovely but they have a waiting list - even at 600 quid a week!!

A property developer bought the house next door to them (semi detached houses) at the time he made an offer to my Dad to buy his and Dad turned him down. He got in touch with us and said were we interested now in selling. After talking my brother and myself said yes to him. He is offering slightly less than the market value but will complete within two weeks.

This now gives my Mum a massive amount of money to enable her to live for many years in a decent nursing home. The profit would give her a minimum of 3 years in a good home. I have told my brother tonight that I cannot do twenty four hour, round the clock caring. I feel a total arse. I promised my Dad just before he died that I would look after her but I hold my hands up - after 6 days I cant. I have the heart and emotion and passion to do it but I cant!! I am exhausted - about a maximum of 4 hours sleep a night.

Early evening I said would she like a coffee. I went into the kitchen and carried on our conversation and made her brew. I took a few steps and shouted that I was on my way back did she want a biscuit. My front door was wide open and she was walking up and down the street shouting for me. I grabbed her and brought her inside and she just went to sleep.

I cannot believe that I cant do this and I take my hat off to any carers or family who can because I salute your bravery and care.

So, tomorrow,we are making emergency plans - Oh god, please forgive me Dad - I have tried so hard and failed you miserably. xx

Shabs.........how can you have failed? Its not just the personal care of looking after your lovely Mam its her safety too. She must be safe, she needs round the clock care..............and you need to have your own life, you need your min breaks to Chelles. You have Tom. I have my dear friend Hella who has dementia, this lady was a successful business lady, smartly dressed, kind, fun person. She is now wandering up and down outside my house, dresses like the bag lady, can be aggressive. She knocks on my door, if its not answered immediately she bangs at my windows, she cant help it. She is german, all her family except one live in Germany, the one who doesnt is her only child, a daughter in her 40s who moved to live in Ireland last May with her new boyfriend. She knows how bad her Mum is, yet she doesnt come or even phone me to ask how she is. That's abandonment, that's not caring. That's NOT you. Be kind to yourself Shabs, Mum will be fine, you`ll see. xx

Morning........awake as usual by 6am, I may as well do a paper round myself!

Morning. Shabs darling, you are meeting your promise to your dad, you are looking after your mum in the way which best works for both of you. You won't grow to resent her as you'd likely feel if your mum stayed with you. You can continue to enjoy the time you spend with her, knowing that you can go home safe in the knowledge that your mum will be looked after.

It's my mum's birthday today - she's 60 :). She's invited us for birthday tea. But she doesn't know we were planning that already so while dad takes her out for lunch, my sister and I are going to decorate the lounge. I've got lots of helium balloons, inc a massive 6 and 0. Looking forward to it

Shabs, you have not failed him. He would be proud. You are doing what's best for your mum even if it's not staying with you. She needs to be safe and cared for 24/7 and you're wearing yourself thin trying to do that. Asking for a nursing homes help is not failure it's showing you love her and care for her very much that you are willing to do anything to make sure that happens. That's all your dad asked for and you are fulfilling that. Everything is still raw and because you're looking after mum 24/7 you're not giving yourself the time you need to greive. At the nursing home she will have all the care she needs and you'll have the rest you need and be more awake and restful when you see her. All the best xxxxx

Dad goes home tomorrow. Going to miss him, I want him to move over here but with the fostering/adoption thing and his work & properties it's not possible yet.

I spoke to my lovely brother today; he and Petrov are planning on visiting for Christmas & New Year instead of visiting family in Russia. Happy :)

Apollo's referral came through the post today. We are to have a consultant appt next Wednesday to discuss everything. The clinic is an hour away by car but this clinic and OT knows and treats SPD/ASD etc so it's the best place for him.

The social worker got my Mum a place in a nursing home today. Its a respite place minimum of 2 weeks which can be increased when necessary. Its about a 15 minute walk from me. Its not as posh as the place she will eventually be in but the staff are wonderful (one of them had a son in my Matts primary school class). When I came home she said 'Bye love, dont be late home from school tonight and make sure you visit me every day.' I walked home and sobbed all the way. I feel so disloyal.

Shabs- do you remember that I felt exactly like you last Autumn with my Mum and her going into care- you, (and everyone else!) said not to feel guilty, I was doing the best thing for both my mum, my family and myself. You were right, and it is the right decision for your mum as well. You ARE looking after her, you ARE safeguarding her, this is the best outcome for you all. You are so exhausted (and I really do know how you feel) that you can no longer guarantee her safety. The next time she was off out that door something awful could have happened. Whilst you were trying to do everything in your power to make things right, staying with you was actually not the best thing or her, this placement is the best thing - for both of you! Please, please believe me, you will see this clearly a few months down the line, and you really need time to grieve your beloved dad

I am soooo relieved for you both. She will be fine, have 24 hour attention, and you Missus can get some sleep! Orders!! xx

Morning all...........Shabs I hope you are sleeping xx

No I woke up very early and couldn't remember what day it was and what had happened!!!!! Just rang the nursing home and they said Mum is fine, she is eating well and is already popular with the other residents just going to walk up now and take her some family pictures and clean clothes xx

That's lovely to hear Shabs! I bet she'll be happy to see you :)

The boys are officially out of gdiapers! We have finally conquered nighttime! :)

Feel so relieved - Mum looked ok this morning. One of her neighbours from many years ago is in there......she is in since her hubby died - she said 'Im not mad like most of them here I just needed the company.' LOL She said she will go and say hello to Mum and catch up on any gossip!!!

My brother went this afternoon - he wasn't keen on it yesterday - its very, very homely and he likes posh stuff - we are very different!! He asked his girlfriend to send me a message on Fbook - 'He said your mum seemed really happy with the home she was playing bingo.'

My grandma went into a residential block - kind of self contained flatlets but within a bigger home. She promptly met her old neighbour from the bottom of her garden and another friend who lived a few houses up. It's so nice knowing they're not just making brand new friends.

Houdini got in his bed and went to sleep himself. Eventually. I gave up trying to keep him in and left him to roam. Went up to see him as he was upset, cuddle, dummy and he went off happily. James fell asleep on the sofa just after 6. So I had to put him in our bed while the twins settled. Lots of sleeping little ones now :)

You must feel a sense of relief Shabs, your world has been upside down for a very long time. Hopefully now you can find time for yourself, get up to Chelles, out of the house. Please look after you xx