Husband has hid HUGE debts!!!

[Pixiedust70]

I've been married 18 years, and have 2 teenagers. I feel so sick right now, I don't know what to do. I knew he had debt as we renovated a house we bought 4 years ago, but he earns a good wage and I trusted him to manage it. We had no debt moving in here, so in 4 years he's ran up £116,000 in debt. I never thought it was possible to even get that amount of debt. I'm so upset, I don't even know how I feel, I'm just numb. I have lost all trust in him, I'm also a childminder, so if the house goes, so does my job. I'll have nothing 😞
I suppose I just want an outsider perspective because I can't speak to my friends as it's too embarrassing

It's not definitely not drugs, or anything that's visible, he hardly buys clothes ever. He buys takeaways sometimes and treats the kids, but never big things, nothing that would add up to that amount. It's the deception I can't get over, he's now messaging me saying 'he needs to stop being a people pleaser', I'm so mad, he's essentially blaming me and the kids for his overspending. And I can't even speak to him properly because he's away, I don't think he's the type to cheat because he's always so against it when he hears about things like that. I'm swaying more towards gambling 😔

He is not your friend.
You are not a team.
You are financially abused by him and of course selling the house is easier for HIM.

Talk to Women's aid for advice.
This is his debt, he wants to make it yours.

Very important you start to detach emotionally.
Don't try and save your marriage with such a man.

He is a liar and a thief doing this to his family.

You need to protect you.

Great, if he is up and able to message then he can get you that screen shot of his card activity can't he. Then you'll be able to see what people pleasing apparently means.

Nobody has mentioned is it possible he lost his job months ago and is still pretending to go to work including trips away . Redundancy , the sack and too afraid to tell you ?he would need to borrow large amounts to keep the front up . It's a question you need to ask him . A friend's husband did just this and he had a second family on the ' work trips '

This is awful OP - completely understandable you feel sick

He needs to send you details of it all
Screenshots
Login details with passwords

He can do that whilst he’s away so you can start to get your head around it
If he refuses - you need to think why and he needs to give a full explanation

Agree you need to see a solicitor, but tricky to do until you have all the information to hand and confirmed

Hand hold here - I would be devastated too; so sorry this is happening

Maybe he is spending the money while he is away working….pointless trying to work it out. Get the statements and that will tell you all you need to know.

Respectfully if he's done this TYPE of debt thing before it's hardly surprising he's done it again

I'm assuming it's all in his name?

I expect he gambles

You can never trust him again. See a solicitor or CAB and find out if you're liable for any of it and whether selling the house is something he can do to pay off some of his debt

I'd separate

Think back to what it was before when you bailed him out. Was it being extravagant on nights out? Picking up the bill for the whole table and paying for drinks for other people. If he does this enough it can easily mount up, especially with compounding interest on credit cards. The loans will be harder to work out as they are probably cash, unless secured against a car or something.

I have been there. Not as big a sum but still huge. We worked through it and stayed together. But the reasons we could do that are that he told me (rather than me finding out), and came to the conversation with everything open. Even now, a decade later, I still have access to his credit scores so if I need to I can check his out.

I think his evasion and obfuscation is as big an issue as the debt itself. Because how do you trust again if he doesn’t take responsibility head on.

I’ve no idea why my comment is hidden. It’s not remotely aggressive or weird! I think you need some documentation from him which he should be able to provide from wherever he is.

What makes you think it’s gambling?

Gambling goes hand in hand with other high risk behaviour, like drugs and women. Don’t go by his word alone, I was also with someone who condemned cheating to anyone who would hear and guess what? Yeah… words are just words at the end of the day.

Buy a drug test off amazon and surprise him first thing when he walks through the door. Make him do it in front of you.

Register your interest in the house NOW. Before anything else.
Then find out where the money has gone.
Do not take any responsibility for the debt. Check your credit history & rating and make sure he hasn't taken out anything in your name, without your consent.
If he has, notify the companies involved that it is fraud & make a police report for that and financial abuse.
Protect yourself and your assets first - for you & your children.

Then start divorce proceedings.
Do not trust anything he says. Make sure you verify everything he tells you.

I am so sorry you're being put through this.
Good luck!

It's the deception I can't get over, he's now messaging me saying 'he needs to stop being a people pleaser'…he's essentially blaming me and the kids for his overspending.

That is absolutely pathetic. Blaming his Wife and Kids for his inability to budget!? Hiding his debts, not saying a word until it’s at £116k then blaming others. OP how can you trust him again if he doesn’t even accept responsibility and have the grace to be at least sorry and accountable?

People pleasing? Who would be pleased with him owing that amount? With interest, where do you even begin to pay that off?

OP you have every right to feel shocked, worried, let down, deceived and it is beyond adding insult to injury if he starts blaming you and the family.

He was always like this, when we first met he would pay for everyone else, i had to step in and tell him not to, a lot, because his friends would take advantage. He doesn't do it with me but maybe when I'm not there he still does. But again, he doesn't go out very often. He is a busy body, he can't sit still, so gets bored very easily. He's always doing something, he has 2 motorbikes that he potters with in the garage, so I suppose he orders parts for them quite regularly. We both do DIY, so everything is done by ourselves, so no labour costs for anything, just materials.

What a shitbag.

Not home for a week & phones to tell you?

That's strange imo.

Shame you can't just walk away & leave him to it!

House is in his name?

As a spouse is there something you can do to register your interest in the house? I think there is. Look into that.

Had a close relative like this. Always in debt and of course the hanger ons took advantage but we're gone when he needed help. When you think of what a good night out costs you, times a group of people, could mount up. CC interest is a killer too.

I think you actually can run up that amount of debt just in dribs and drabs and buying things here and there - esp if you add in treating other people.

It obviously depends on over how long
you are talking about.

But it also could be gambling.

I wish I could but my income is made in the house 😔
I need to manage this part carefully, I may need to get a more secure job and start to move away from my dependency on the house. I don't think I can live with the uncertainty.

Is the house in joint names? If not and it's in his sole name, then yes it can be taken if it has equity in it or if he defaults on the mortgage. Sounds to me like it's a gambling issue with the secret phone

I would check the Land Registry to see if there are any charges registered against the house https://www.gov.uk/search-property-information-land-registry

To be paying for everyone on nights out etc or whilst working away, not only would that be a huge amount of people but over a huge amount of time. I think it would be difficult to spend £116K, simply by 'treating people'. No one surely would be taking out bank loans to do this?! Credit cards, I understand but not bank loans. Unless he's used the loans to pay off various other credit cards.

I think you need to find out OP, if your husband is actually still working. I can see someone taking out loans/maxing out loans, to pay for bills etc, because they don't want to admit to being made redundant or sacked.

I'm leaning more towards gambling/prostitutes. You haven't seen anything physically tangible, that he could have spent the money on eg. A car, new tech etc. Therefore, it's got to be something unseen, like drugs, gambling, women. I would have thought you'd have noticed some behaviour change in your husband if it was drugs, but I don't know.

Your husband must have digital copies of the loan agreements/credit card statements. He needs to show you these. He also needs to be 100% honest with you. Unfortunately, if it is drugs, gambling or women, then him being honest is unlikely or it will be minimised.

Are you not on the deeds/mortgage of your home? Is it all in your husband's name? In which case, he could have secured loans against it.

Blaming you and the children for his overspending is ridiculous. He's trying to pass the buck. You need to stand firm. You didn't put a gun to his head and force him to take out credit cards/loans, he made that choice, not you. He's a grown adult, he's responsible for his own behaviour, not you.

Honestly, it's just a guess. He is very competitive and I could see him being a bit of a 'just once more' type of person. Out of all the suggestions, I'd say this was the most plausible, but it's is a complete guess.
He still hasn't replied to my message asking for his statements, so I'm still in limbo. Haven't slept at all

He wanted to sell the house? You need to leave him immediately. Separate your finances and yes, sell the house but keep your half. Even if no equity: get the house sold so that you're not linked or you're paying a mortgage for a house that may end up repossessed anyway.

Is there a chance that the renovation costs were more than you thought? Sadly this is why women need to have full transparency over finances and not just trust someone to manage it. It must be a huge shock for you. Make sure he shares all of his statements and credit record when he is back and don’t take out any debts to help him out. Are any of the debts secured on the house?