Husband has hid HUGE debts!!!

[Pixiedust70]

I've been married 18 years, and have 2 teenagers. I feel so sick right now, I don't know what to do. I knew he had debt as we renovated a house we bought 4 years ago, but he earns a good wage and I trusted him to manage it. We had no debt moving in here, so in 4 years he's ran up £116,000 in debt. I never thought it was possible to even get that amount of debt. I'm so upset, I don't even know how I feel, I'm just numb. I have lost all trust in him, I'm also a childminder, so if the house goes, so does my job. I'll have nothing 😞
I suppose I just want an outsider perspective because I can't speak to my friends as it's too embarrassing

It's not on you to get your trust back - it's on him! Your statement just shows how much you're used to fixing everything.

But I agree with your sentiment. I couldn't live with it either. Even if I had to stick it out until he'd filed for bankruptcy or something, then divorce after.

Unfortunately I’d lay money on him having an affair or affairs while he’s “working away” and this is what he’s spending the money on. Speak to a solicitor and make it clear legally this is not your debt and it’s yours and that in divorce you keep the house as all he has is debts - also add on the debt you helped him pay off in the past.

been there and got the t shirt unfortunately and i didn’t see the signs either so you aren’t the only one

Seek financial advice.
Use your accountant to help understand the reason for the debt. Make a plan to manage the debt for the next five years. Follow your accountant's advice.
You start overseeing the weekly budget.
Your husband is not capable.

You need to see a copy of his credit report.

Why on earth is the house in his name? Do you have a joint mortgage?

You need a solicitor ASAP

There has been some sound practical advice on here. Make a note of the helpful suggestions and have that as a to do list to arm yourself with the knowledge you need to best protect yourself.
Ignore the speculation about how the money has been spent. Get facts rather than punishing yourself with the worst case scenario: you have more than enough to contend with without that.

This. He needs to run his credit report in front of you. This is the only way you will know the full extent of his debt.

Then you want all his credit card statements and to know where every penny went.

If the money hasn't gone on house renovations (and it is possible, at the moment trade costs are eye watering), then prepare yourself, the other likely options are gambling, drugs, cam girls, other sex workers or a mistress.

Make sure you register an interest in your house asap.

Ring StepChange today. Back in the day, I ran up around £80k of debt through excessive spending. They helped me clear it all off with a debt management plan, which freezes the interest. It trashes your credit score (a good thing as he will no longer be able to borrow), but your assets are not at risk. Some companies wrote the debt off completely, others settled for 10-20% of the original debt. it's never as bad as you think, and if you/he earn half decent money, you'll clear it in no time.

If you ask him would he be willing to send you a list/screenshot of where it has gone? Being away doesn't mean you shoukd have to wait.

Why has he told you now?

if you get to the bottom of this, it might explain a bit more about what’s going on?

I would be very worried there’s a dual life situation on here.

while he’s still away see a very good lawyer and ask about your position

You poor poor lady,I really feel for you,my husband ran up debt on a cc years ago...16k,but a lot at the time,he didn't even earn that per year.
His was cigarettes (60 a day) designer clothes and alcohol.
Does you husband buy alot of gadgets like ninja kitchen stuff,remote hoover/lawn mower ,does he have an expensive car. ? Iam just trying to think of things an obsessed spender buy,without thinking a double problem like cocaine prostitutes alcohol another woman. I really feel for you,take stock and go and see a solicitor xx

Yes, especially if you are paying for labour or features of the house are not standard size.

How on earth did he do that , and you are only finding out now? What has he spent it on that is invisible?

Women shouldn’t be burying their heads in the sand about money. We can’t just assume it’s all ok. That being said I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s a total shock and massive lesson to be learned. I hope you manage to salvage your business, I really do

Depending on you age, commitments and income this is doable but will take time, commitment and some good advice. Credit cards can be consolidated and you maybe able to get a 0% one for awhile. I think you have to give that line of credit up. Its going to be hard though. No holidays and saying no to DC when they want what growing children want.
I don't blame you for being angry and hurt. I would be suggesting to dh he gets a 2nd job and if he gives you an excuse why that won't work tell him to make it work.

Not wishing to be alarmist, it may be that he's told her now because one of the organisations that he owes money to is about to call in the debt, so he's preparing the ground for a visit from the bailiffs.

Yes this is a strong possibility. That amount of money doesn't disappear into thin air. Cocaine?

I was thinking about a mistress with a secret child too as its basically another household expense, but as she said he's had financial problems in the past thinking more gambling or something like that.
If he was just a normal overspending OP would surely see the expensive sports gear, clothes etc.

Surely if he is using electronic banking he should be able to email you statements in minutes. Even if it wasn't everything at least you could make a start or sorting it.

It's hard to though when you have separate finances. Unfortunately house is only in husband's name and he has obviously been opening credit cards and personal loans secretly.

Jumping in the end here, sorry for not reading through first, but do you have the house as tenants in common ? That will protect your half of the house.
You can’t trust him, you’ve saved him before, he won’t change. Only you know if you can live like that.

This is good advice and hopefully makes you feel better.

Good luck with it all.

X

Gosh I feel sick for you, I am so sorry.

I'd be demanding he sends all his online statements etc. You need to know the full extent and I wouldn't consider continuing the relationship if he won't be completely transparent with you.

I'd also question him about why he is telling you now. He may be working away but you need to know NOW if bailiffs are going to start showing up at your door.

As a previous poster suggested, register an interest in the house.

I'd be doing what I could to protect myself as, I hate to say it, but people who can rack up that amount of debt can also be master liars and manipulators. My ex from years back was always in debt but nowhere near this extent and never had anything really to show for it but he was such a skilled liar.

If you're staying together I would want everything out in the open. I'd want to control all the wages coming into the house to manage the debt and repayments. It will be incredibly stressful and it would be totally understandable if it's too much for you to continue the relationship.

Please protect yourself as much as possible with what information you have/ you can get.

Doesn’t matter that the house in his his name it’s a joint asset as you are married. Get the statement sand see what it has done on firstly then take it from there. Disgusting behaviour.

Why is the house only in his name? I am so sorry you must be worried sick. I think it will take time for it to all sink in.

See what you can find and tell him he needs to be completely transparent about the debt.

Could it be gambling or crypto or something like that? Hopefully it isn’t sex workers 😞

You can check if he has taken secured loans out on the house. It only costs a few £s and he will not be made aware of the search. Use this link - it’s the official Government link.
https://www.gov.uk/search-property-information-land-registry