Husband has hid HUGE debts!!!

[Pixiedust70]

I've been married 18 years, and have 2 teenagers. I feel so sick right now, I don't know what to do. I knew he had debt as we renovated a house we bought 4 years ago, but he earns a good wage and I trusted him to manage it. We had no debt moving in here, so in 4 years he's ran up £116,000 in debt. I never thought it was possible to even get that amount of debt. I'm so upset, I don't even know how I feel, I'm just numb. I have lost all trust in him, I'm also a childminder, so if the house goes, so does my job. I'll have nothing 😞
I suppose I just want an outsider perspective because I can't speak to my friends as it's too embarrassing

I got advice yesterday, there's a few things I can do to protect myself, I can get an order to stop any finance being secured on the house. The house being in his name only is not an issue at all because we live in Scotland and my rights are protected. I can also get a pension sharing order to protect my share of the pension should he find a way to realise it (which is very difficult anyway). I'm going to stop the childminding business after the summer though and get a full time job so I have a secure income should I want to move out in the future. For the time being I know I need to just play it safe and not disrupt things too much till my emotions start to level out a bit and I can see a bit more clearly.
Again thank you all so much for your words, they really do help ❤️

I'm so sorry OP

It sounds like you are taking the right steps to protect yourself and your children the best you can financially.

As for him, gambling is insidious and the fact he hid it for so long, while taking out loan after loan to cover it, and even suggested selling the family home where you and the children live to cover it is frightening. I'm sure I could come back from any of that.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Plus side? You know the program works so hopefully while this will be awful for a while, you know YOU will get out of it. Do not let him remortgage because that will give you his debt

Hi I don't mean to be alarmist, but are you sure about all of this? Not a lawyer but worked for many years in the Registers of Scotland.

As I understand it, you are saying that the title to your home is in your husband's sole name? If so, then your matrimonial homes rights in Scotland do mean that your husband cannot legally secure any loans against the property without you also signing the documentation (as a consentor).

However were he to be made bankrupt and is the sole owner, I think the house could be part of the sequestration and your rights would be lost. If however you had jointly owned the property only his half could be part of bankrupcy/sequestration proceedings.

Sorry I realise I worded that last part badly. Your matrimonial homes rights wouldn't be lost as such, and would still be taken into consideration - meaning it would be a much lengthier legal process before the house could be sold. However as I understand it after all the appropriate court proceedings have been followed, the house could still be sold as part of any bankrupcy proceedings against your husband unless certain unusual special circumstances apply.

Yes, some kind of stop is put on the assets now through the date of separation. But I need to access all of his accounts, to see what the whole picture is, that'll probably mean him getting his own solicitor because I'm forcing it

Can you get him to put half the house into your name and tell him it’s to protect it from creditors taking it.

It’s nearly always gambling or drugs.
contact a dept charity like step change that offer free dept advice. Martin Lewis always has great advice and links to financial advice and support.

I think if insolvency is on the cards, that would no longer be allowed as it would be seen as deliberate deprivation of assets and could probably be overturned by a court.

It’s great that you can put some things in place to protect the assets whether you stay together or not. I hope you are ‘coping’

Well done OP. It's so hard to carry on functioning normally at a time like this, but vital if you're not to be completely screwed over. I'm pleased there's some safety measures you can take.

I'm barely functioning, but I just can't break in front of the kids. I have 2 friends that are keeping me afloat just now, I'm so grateful for them. I've told him he's to move out till I can get my head straight. He says he's going to prove he can get out of the mess he's created. He's sending me his credit report and bank statements over. I'm not convinced obviously, I don't trust him at all. And I'm terrified of him going back and losing us our home. There's definitely no debt attached to the home at the minute thankfully.

How long until he is due home and what steps has he (told you) he has taken now to get past this addiction ?

Well it's good that he's thinking in terms of how to rebuild trust rather than kicking off and playing victim and blaming you (for what I don't know, but those types always find/invent something!). I know you're done, but even as a co-parent it's better if you can get along, so as long as his behaviour holds up I'd view it as a positive. I'm glad you've got friends to lean on too. At some point you'll have breathing space from immediate practicalities and can fall apart a little then.

I wouldn't let him have access to the kids in your space, make him take them to his place or take them out (which doesn't necessarily mean spending money, so don't feel guilty) and turn your phone off for the duration, so he's forced to properly parent them by himself without you carrying the mental load by being at the end of the phone for his questions and you can fully switch off from mum mode. That way you'll get some time to yourself where you can take a break from being the strong one. Don't feel bad about being unavailable temporarily, it's necessary for you to have some space to just be you, it's not a luxury and I'm sure he can keep his own DC alive for a few hours by himself.

I’m so sorry, your head must be completely scrambled. It’s very hard for the trust to be rebuilt after that. I didn’t have joint finances with my ex and all the secrecy around money and not wanted (not able to get) a mortgage was enough to make me realise that this was not someone I could build a life with. When I found out it was gambling then all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. These people lie to themselves so how can they be honest with you. Finances and attitudes to finances matter a great deal in relationships as does honesty and future security x

I'm sorry but I'll be straight - you sound like my ex husband - zero interest or clue what's going on, how much everything costs and then surprised.
You should be involved in finances even if you have no idea about plastering, plumbing, renovation costs,etc. These things should be discussed, not left "somehow to manage " for one person.
I was in very similar situation, get in to debt because of private medical costs and stuff. My ex husband didn't want to listen, plan, etc. And when he found out that I'm £15 000 in debt was crying for all family members and friends that I destroyed our life.

My friend was the same like you, she always denied any problems (even when her husband was borrowing money for food) and expected her husband "to manage".

You're family.

RTFT, it wasn't renovations, he was gambling. Show some sympathy

Your £15K home renovations debt is NOT the same as her DH's £116K gambling debt, of which approx. £30K was related to home renovations.

Don't make out OP is at fault here because her DH chose to gamble away nearly £100K of their money.

She knows all about the reno costs, but it is much harder to find out about her husbands secret gambling problem. Read the thread.