Husband has hid HUGE debts!!!

[Pixiedust70]

I've been married 18 years, and have 2 teenagers. I feel so sick right now, I don't know what to do. I knew he had debt as we renovated a house we bought 4 years ago, but he earns a good wage and I trusted him to manage it. We had no debt moving in here, so in 4 years he's ran up £116,000 in debt. I never thought it was possible to even get that amount of debt. I'm so upset, I don't even know how I feel, I'm just numb. I have lost all trust in him, I'm also a childminder, so if the house goes, so does my job. I'll have nothing 😞
I suppose I just want an outsider perspective because I can't speak to my friends as it's too embarrassing

Totally agree.

He's probably got to the end point where he can't take out any more credit after a period where he's been taking out new loans to 'pay off' full credit cards. Things unravel very quickly after that.

OP he needs to recognise he's in debt crisis and engage with organisations who can help him. If he asks for 'breathing space' which is an industry scheme, that gives him (I think) 2 months where creditors will take no action against him, while he seeks advice about the least painful solution to his debt problem.

Free debt advice: what to do & where to get help - MSE

@Diorling I just wanted to say thank you for sharing that. It is far more common than people think, one getting into debt and two, hiding it. I worked in debt collection and honestly, I tried to help everybody who was brave enough to call about their debt. Communication is the biggest way to sort it all out, with whatever company the debts are with but also with partners, husbands and children if they are old enough.

@Pixiedust70 Don't make any knee jerk decisions until you know everything and even then you need time to process what has happened. Make a plan together so you are fully in the know as to how he is going to address this but he needs to be completely honest with you about where it has all gone.

OP - amid the turmoil, there is something to take great notice of in Diorling's earlier post and that is her husband worked WITH her to deal with the debt and the damage. It is why that family survived.

If your husband will not hand over the truth, the entire story, and indeed the reins of the family, you will have a clear sign of the only possible way to go with all this.

I suspect that he's only told you now because he has painted himself into a corner he cannot escape from nor hide from you any longer.

I'm sorry for your trouble. Good luck.

To be fair this is the second time debts have been run up, I think you possibly needed to take over or work together over this

what debts are in his name and which are joint - does he have the credit card statements to show receipts for renovations?

I find it hard to believe that renovations for even a small property cam in ant £30k, thats incredibly cheap

moving forward you need advice on the debit

first get in contact with Citizen advice
StepChange Debt Charity: Offers free, confidential online or phone debt advice.
National Debtline: Provides free debt information and self-help guides

File a Formal Complaint with the Lender: Write directly to your bank or credit card provider to explain that they lent you too much or failed to carry out proper affordability checks. Under rules enforced by the Financial Conduct Authority (FCA), the lender has up to 8 weeks to investigate and send a final response.

Escalate to the Financial Ombudsman Service (FOS): If the lender rejects your complaint or misses the 8-week deadline, you can bring your case free of charge to the Financial Ombudsman Service. If they rule in your favor, they can order the lender to write off interest, refund charges, or adjust your balance.

Refund of Interest, Fees, and Charges
The lender must calculate and return all the extra money you paid as a result of their irresponsible decision. This includes
All interest charged on the unaffordable loan or from the moment a credit card limit was increased irresponsibly.
Late payment fees, over-limit fees, or compounding overdraft charges.

With £116,000 debts spread over more than one lender this could considerably bring the debt down

Unsecured debts won’t affect your home but he could have remortgaged it without you knowing, so you need to see a solicitor today and register a legal interest in the property so it can’t be sold without your permission.

This is your main priority for today!!

When he’s home tell him he must agree to see a debt specialist with you so that you get a full picture of the situation and proper advice. He obviously wants to sell the house to wipe out the debts asap but that’s rarely a sensible solution. He’s better off cutting all his lines of credit and paying them off gradually whilst getting the interest paused.

Don’t let him try to fix this by himself because he probably won’t be completely truthful with you. You need an independent third party expert in the room so he has to reveal the full extent of the debt. A trained debt adviser knows all the tricks employed and they will help you find a solution.

@Diorling The most inspiring post I have read in a long time -I am in awe of you.

I agree with this. I was single at the time I was in debt but found it so difficult and shameful telling people, let alone a husband/partner. I only told a few people once I was in a huge mess.

Also, have a look at Moneysavingexpert - a great source for all things money, including debt. There is a forum called ‘debt free wannabe’ which was a great help to me at the time.

My other piece of advice

Pay the council tax demand before anything else - that one is a tax demand, not a bill and escalates far quicker than anything else not paid - plus its the only debt that can result in prison, though rare it can happen.

If the debt has gone on house renovations, has the value of the house increased by the same amount? If so, can you get a top up/second mortgage for the £116k? It’s what we’ve done in the past. Still scary if he has done this without consultation or looking into a secured loan/mortgage as the costs built up - but I’d start there.

ETA, but that aside the advice here to seek debt counselling, and to take over financial management is sound. If this is the second time he’s run up debts though and there is no real trail of what it has been spent on (cost of living related?) then I’d have to start rethinking the marriage long term. You can still run a childminding business from a smaller house should you find yourself ever leaving him/downsizing - though the transitional period would be really hard to navigate without supportive clients.

Gambling was my first thought, too.

A friend lost her house due to her DH's gambling debts. That was around 15 years ago, and they've managed to get themselves back to the position they were in before the debt. He went to GamAnon and got counselling/psychotherapy as well.

In your position I would think about ultimately do you want to stay and have to help him pay back the debt, because there will be less money around and why should you suffer, plus this could all happen again.

Or

Do you want to leave and struggle a bit but be master of your own destiny, knowing this isn't going to be dropped on you for a third time. Yes things will be tight but you'll have peace of mind

either choice is very hard to make

OP someone very close has just gone through something extreme similar - and it has ended in the most awful way.

I would urge you to check whether these debts also include private debts - friends, colleagues and relatives etc.

The situation I’m talking about was gambling - under the guise of ‘trading’.

Following

Registering your interest in the property is probably the priority for today and is within your control.

Good luck!

Is he in a position, from working away, where you could insist he comes home? At least if he came home, some of those thousands of questions whirling around in your totally bewildered mind would get answered.

My experience in life has always been that I can deal with facts and known information but never ending, unsolvable uncertainty wrecks me mentally, emotionally and physically.

You divorce him. Relationships have to have trust.

You then inform the solicitor that you had no idea about any of the debt. It's in his name, not yours, it's his debt. If he has secured debt against the house and it's in his name there not much you can do, but don't start making his problems yours.

Make sure you get a clean break financial order.

I'm really sorry, but this is the time to be selfish, with your time and your future. He's already made his own selfish choices.

OP register the interest on your home as suggested by previous posters to stop him using that as loan collateral. That is the only emergency to address right now.
You are in shock at the moment so you might want to sit with this news for a few days, even weeks so you don’t make decisions in haste you later regret.
When you move to the resolving stage, do not accept any proposal to move unsecured debt into debt secured against your home. Do not take out any loans yourself to help pay the money back. This is not in YOUR interest and therefore by default your children’s interest as their main carer.
Given this is not the first time this has happened, you will need to make changes to ensure it cannot happen a third time, whatever that looks like. If he cannot help you do this it may be in your children’s interest to separate if that is the only way to build them a secure financial future.
Even if you remain together, I would strongly consider divorcing him anyway to separate financially and secure an independent stake in your home whilst you still have it. Any future issues he has will then not be left to you and your children to suffer the consequences.

No wonder you are in shock. Is there MABs in the UK? Or citizens advice?

Oh im so sorry and totally feel for you . I had a similar experience 7 yrs ago. I had literally no idea as I was always very careful with money and kept a log of spends etc and if we didn't have the money we didn't buy. Unfortunately my husband had been running up debts for years and because he was 'paperless ' for everything I never saw a thing . I found 4 credit cards maxed out, Tesco loan, payday loans, and he had done an equity release when we remortgaged. Yes I signed the paperwork but I trusted him as at the time I was 42 with a 3 month old baby and 2 teenagers so I wasn't taking much notice when he asked me to sign it. I thought we were just moving mortgages for a better deal. Long story short I only found out because his mum thought he was acting strange , similar to when he had visited them 4 years prior and asked for 14,000 but to never tell me. After approaching him he denied everything, wouldn't get councilling, wouldn't let me help him. I found out from going on his Apple watch while he was asleep that he was having an affair . I was expecting to find a gambling site or something of that nature. Tbh I don't think the affair was where he spent the money , I honestly think he had a problem which gave him a high when buying something and then soon after he hit a low which made him buy again. He did always like gadget type things but I thing he spent continually on small things which eventually adds up. He also told me if he bought or paid for anything big it was from guvvie jobs he'd done . This post is probably not much help but I do understand the hurt and betrayal you are feeling. I felt sick to my stomach morning noon and night. He wouldn't let me help to sort in the time I found out about the debt and the affair which was about 3 months . Luckily the debt was only in his name and none against the house. I really hope you can work things out . My ex left to be with the other woman. I think he used step change to sort the debts although the other woman does have money . But that's not my problem anymore . I now own the house we had after using a pension pot to pay him out and the mortgage we had left . I have no pension but I kept a roof over my kids heads . You have to look past everything and do what is right for you and your children long term. You'll be amazed at how strong and independent this will make you. I really hope you get sorted but as other people have said, you really need to confide in your friends and family . The people that matter will not judge , they will be there for you no matter what path you decide to take. It's gonna be a long journey and it won't be easy but you will get there. Sending huge hugs .

You say you estimated the renovation costs at £30k. Do you know what the actual costs were? How was the renovation funded? I’m just wondering whether the debt started from there and potentially just spiralled with the effect of compound interest other costs etc.

Does he have ADHD? Being impulsive when out with friends. Two bikes. Being very “busy”.

I’m not sure how credit cards work in terms of interest because I only have one card, but could he have got multiple cards to pay off interest or pay day loans and it mounted up?

My first instinct had been gambling - it may be that too.

No advice as pp have already given some brilliant advice. Good luck in whatever you decide to do but my goodness, what a kicker

DH ran up debt by not opening the letters from his 0% loan/card? (I'm not sure which) that he'd transferred a credit card debt on to. The 0% interest had finished and he was now paying interest, for quite some time. It took a while to get rid of but it can be quite easy to rack up some debt that way

I think like PP's above that the renovation cost more than £30K and it started there

I'm sending you big hugs x