Husband has hid HUGE debts!!!

[Pixiedust70]

I've been married 18 years, and have 2 teenagers. I feel so sick right now, I don't know what to do. I knew he had debt as we renovated a house we bought 4 years ago, but he earns a good wage and I trusted him to manage it. We had no debt moving in here, so in 4 years he's ran up £116,000 in debt. I never thought it was possible to even get that amount of debt. I'm so upset, I don't even know how I feel, I'm just numb. I have lost all trust in him, I'm also a childminder, so if the house goes, so does my job. I'll have nothing 😞
I suppose I just want an outsider perspective because I can't speak to my friends as it's too embarrassing

Ouch, quite cowardly.
Has he never alluded to debt/gambling/history of overspending at all, even in student days? I am thinking he might have "mentioned in passing" something vital that was meant to be a way of saying he could potentially do it again. Some men can't confront personal weaknesses well and tend to allude to things they find difficult.

The only other thing I keep wondering is if there is another woman and he has been showing off and treating them. Does he travel often? Any suspicions there?

Maybe it is better not to speculate anyway, although I know I would be.
Do you feel like you could talk to a friend in the morning? I still think a face to face chat with some cake will help you get the support you need.

Do not panic about loosing the house. Consumer debt (ie cards and loans) are not secured with your house. Head over to moneysavingexpert debt forums to understand what your options are.

I’m sorry what a shock, but in my experience dept to this extent is often an addiction, gambling or drugs?

I would seek legal advice about how a divorce would affect you and your finances.

Has has run up debt in the past, and I've helped him sort it out, it's never been as bad as this though. We never really did joint accounts at all, he never wanted to. I feel so stupid for not knowing, or seeing it coming. He's lost my trust, and I just don't know if I can get it back.

He'd be better off doing an IVA to help manage his debt. I presume it's all in his name as you didn't see any bank/credit card statements?
Least that way the house is safe.

He is on his phone a lot more than normal, and is quite protective of it when he never used to be.

He's probably gambling or using sex workers, or both.

Utter scumbag.

None of the debt is in my name, I keep on top of my credit score so I know everything that's attached to it. Can't they take the house with an IVA?

I really hope not 😞

Sadly, this is a tale as old as time, seen it way too many times here on MN.

No. IVA they don't take the property but look into the equity etc. BUT, he would have to take it seriously and that's not looking good with his debt record from before.. They work out a proportion of your partners income after bills are paid and they expect that money for a set period of time but he won't be paying back the whole debt. He cannot get credit going forward though, so that's the end of his spending.

Providing he keeps up the payments then all should be safe. If he went bankrupt, yes, they could come for half the house (I presume half is in your name?). As none of the debt is in your name, you're not responsible for any of it legally - it's his debt, even though you're married afaik.

Jeez OP. No wonder you’re in shock. He has completely taken all your security without your knowledge or consent. Could you split to at least (get legal advice) protect your half of any assets you can. That sum is hard to comprehend. Around £2,400 a week (!)… or £351 a day!

You need to see full statements.

That is very scary to think of the numbers to that way 😔

Do you have actual proof of the debt ? Has he shown you the credit card bills etc ? I’m saying this from my own experience . Demand to see his credit card statements and loan agreements for the past two years and his bank statements. Tell him it’s non negotiable if he wants to consider selling the house. If the house is only in his name put a charge on it . It’s a form F I believe to register your interest . This will stop him from selling it or raising any more debt against it without your consent/ knowledge. If he has been up to no good and thinks a divorce might be on the horizon, he might be trying to get some money out of the pot beforehand as you have a long marriage behind you . It sounds cynical and probably unbelievable that he would sink so low but some do unfortunately. I honestly hope it’s not his plan but even having the debts, you need to protect your interests in the house .

If you have registered legal title on the house , you can sever your joint tenancy via a solicitor or just in writing by notice and charge it to Tenants in common to protect your share in the equity . You need to do this quickly before he enters into any debt management agreement etc .

Sorry if this sounds dramatic but I m still living with the consequences of my now ex husbands financial abuse and deceit . Unfortunately it’s not uncommon.

I also think this needs to be a priority. No point trying to find a way to pay it off if he has a gambling addiction that isn’t addressed and will just put you back in the same position. Likewise, no point trying to figure it out together if he’s used it to conduct an affair. I’m not saying either of these things is the case, but there’s a double life of some kind going on here and you need to find out what it is to inform your decision about what to do next.

I don't have anything yet as I've only just found out about it all and he's working away from home at the minute, the house is in his name, I never thought about this, he possibly could have secured it on the house already 😞
I'll need to contact a solicitor tomorrow, I'm absolutely devastated about it all.

So he wants to sell your home, move into rented, to pay off the debt? I would strongly advise against this - I'm no expert but I think even if you're declared bankrupt they let you keep your home.
I'd be worried about him being weird about his phone too - what's he hiding? Gambling, another woman, drugs?
Do not agree to sell your house. I'd be worried he wants to settle the debts, then leave you high and dry. Btw, I don't want to alarm you further, but as you're married they are jointly your debts too - so you have every right to see all the statements of the loans/credit cards - simply do not take no for an answer.

I don’t have much in the way of wise advice OP but I have empathy as I was in a similar position and I am so sorry. Speak to StepChange. They were wonderful when I spoke with them. All the shame I felt dissipated. I realised and they told me how I’d been financially abused for two decades. My ex was a gambler and I had no idea. He took loans out in my name and I also did to give him money to clear his debts. It was terrifying. You can’t see the woods for the trees right now but it will get easier. I decided to divorce, you may not, but I caution against giving g him trust ever again. He doesn’t deserve it and it leaves you at risk. 💐

One day at a time. I'd do a list of things each day to keep momentum and distract, e.g tomorrow:

Decide on a reliable friend if you feel you want support and get a much needed hug
Call Step Change
Find a local solicitor who can advise and ask about a Form F to register interest on a house
Be kind to yourself - a lot of men hoodwink women because they know we want to trust them. This is not your fault
If he is away you might be able to find old paperwork for cards filed away somewhere?

One day at a time.

I'm so sorry, OP, this is clearly devastating for you - it would be for anyone.

I would look through any paperwork you can find in the house, see if there are any clues there as to what he's spent it on, and any loan or cc statements.

Then tomorrow contact a solicitor and immediately register your interest in the house.

When is he due home?

He needs to show you full accounts - all the loans, all the credit card statements etc, and explain where all of that money has gone. And why is he only telling you now?!

Dig into his employer and find out if he actually works there and the job role and if it entails working away. He could have a second family. If he's a high earner there's probably a website somewhere with employees on it or try Linked In or something.

He's due home in a weeks time, there is absolutely no paperwork anywhere, he must just get rid of everything. Everything is paperless now so few letters come through, I'm going to go through the garage tomorrow, he spends a lot of time in there. I'll ask him to send me everything he has, he must have digital copies of agreements and will at least have statements.

Yes this!

Credit cards and loans is good OP it means you're better able to argue it's his debt and not yours, not foolproof but it helps. Putting it on a joint mortgage or selling the house to repay part of the debt effectively means you're making the debt (or at least the part payment of it) yours. As it stands currently it could legally be all his debt and the house equity still half yours in a divorce. It's worth finding all this out before you decide what to do. Don't let him pressure you into anything.

It's in his best interests to offload as much of the debt onto you as possible. Interesting that his first plan isn't how he can pay off this debt by himself. Don't trust him any more, he's not your friend to have hidden this from you for so long. Remember that. He could have told you ages ago when it was a much smaller problem that he could have fixed relatively easily by himself, just by owning up to his mistakes and living more frugally. It was a choice he made not to do that.