Husband has hid HUGE debts!!!

[Pixiedust70]

I've been married 18 years, and have 2 teenagers. I feel so sick right now, I don't know what to do. I knew he had debt as we renovated a house we bought 4 years ago, but he earns a good wage and I trusted him to manage it. We had no debt moving in here, so in 4 years he's ran up £116,000 in debt. I never thought it was possible to even get that amount of debt. I'm so upset, I don't even know how I feel, I'm just numb. I have lost all trust in him, I'm also a childminder, so if the house goes, so does my job. I'll have nothing 😞
I suppose I just want an outsider perspective because I can't speak to my friends as it's too embarrassing

My partner and I only have 1 joint account everything else is in accounts in either one of our names but we have complete oversight over one anothers money. We have a spreadsheet updated monthly, we discuss everything. It would not make financial sense for us to have our money in joint account as I have a much higher threshold for earnings from savings as I'm currently out of work. The bulk of our family money is in accounts of mine name only.

The spreadsheet includes his wage our outgoings and our savings, it would be obvious one of us started spending loans or taking out loans. We do reviews of our situation every 3 months and whilst we don't go "look at this statement" we are opening the accounts with the other in the room to check details.

Ive known 2 get caught out leading double lives with 2 families. Claimed he was 4 on 4 off, he wasnt he was 2 on 2 off. It happens.

Have you managed to speak to your husband OP?

I think like another poster said, it’s possible that he took out a loan for the renovations and then further interest has accrued and it has snowballed. I wouldn’t assume the worst of him until you know the facts. But also, it could easily be something else - he may have prioritised spending on frivolous things and covering the bare minimum payments for the loan and it’s just racked up.

I hope you get to the bottom of it all.

I spoke to him today, he's said it was just stupidity and overspending, then took out a consolidation loan to pay all the credit cards off because of the crazy interest rates, then started using the cards again instead of cancelling them. I've checked the house and none of it's secured against the house. Ive an appointment with a solicitor on Friday. He says he told me now because he saw a rental property and thought it would fix things, but he knows that was a bad idea now and he is very sorry. He says he's going to be selling all his things when he gets back and he's going to fix it himself now. He still hasn't showed me anything yet, he says he will when he gets home.
I haven't decided yet what my next move is but I have put my name in for a council house, just in case. I've moved from shock to anger to crying, it's like a bad dream.

Overspending on what?

"stupidity and overspending", yeah, no, that doesn't cut it. You need to see the paper trail.

Yeah, i will be going through it with a fine tooth comb when he gets back.

…If he lets you. Don’t let him try to hide the details of what he’s been spending on.

If he was serious about fixing this and allowing you to be a part of it, he would give you his account logins now.

I smell a very large steaming pile of shite and he's up to his neck in it.

And he's a fucking idiot for consolidating it too. Honestly, that was stupid. You tackle debt using the snowball method.

1. List all debt in order of size starting from the smallest.
2. Hammer the smallest, get it paid off, then move to the next & so on, so forth. It helps gain momentum and makes you feel good seeing the debt reduce one by one...

I really hope you get some good advice on Friday then, and that he shows you everything when he gets back. It must have been a massive shock.

Some 40 years ago I owned some rental properties, started using credit to make repairs and renovations, and stumbled into a lot of debt... mostly credit cards.

I listed all the debt by interest rate. Made minimum payments where I could, but paid as much as I could on the highest-interest debt. Once that was paid off, I started to hammer on the next highest interest rate. I also stopped using credit cards, as far as possible.

When is he back?

The longer this gets left the worse it gets. If you decide you want to stay or even think you might then I would insist on the banking log ins so you can find out more information and I think if you are still thinking about staying then you need to be working out a plan together. I know it’s his mess but the more in interest he is paying the worse off you will be because of it

Does he have anything of value to sell? If there is anything easy to do then I would get on and do it now

But you knew what you’d spent the money on.

The primary issues here are OP has no clue where this money has gone. And her husband has hidden it.

Of course he told you when he was away- coward. He couldn’t face your immediate reaction, so he made sure he was away when he told you.

OP this man knows exactly what he is doing. He’ll be relying on you being less angry and more regulated by the time he gets back. Don’t let your anger die. You deserve to be furious!

What exactly is he going to sell?

That is what I was wondering. OP would know if he had bought something valuable that could be sold to help pay this massive bill off.

You mentioned your husband has motorbikes, so I'm guessing he's going to sell these??! They aren't going to be worth £116K though are they! So what exactly is he planning on selling?! From what you've said OP, you can't see anything physical he's bought that he can sell.

Saying he's 'over spent' is a complete cop out! What on?? No one 'over spends' to the tune of £116K (and we're assuming that's the final figure, it may be much higher!), and has zero to show for it.

Your husband needs to do a self-credit check with someone like Experian or Clear Score. It will show all loans/credit cards. He then can't hide the extent of his 'over spending'. With you sat right next to him. The slightest hint that he's not willing to be fully honest and transparent, is the time you give him a choice - honesty/transparency or divorce. You can't move forward without his full co-operation and honesty, without that, you don't have a marriage to salvage.

"I need to stop people pleasing"

🤔 I wonder has he taken out a loan in someone else's name or been a guarantor for someone, someone who is either a grifter or who can't get credit due to their own spending habits and who then has done the obvious and refused to pay him back/defaulted on the loan. It's surprising how many otherwise sensible people get caught out by that one, imagining their friends to be more trustworthy than they really are or not fully understanding what a guarantor is.

I agree with others OP, he's done this deliberately while he's away so as to avoid your reaction. Which also means he's left you hanging, both with lack of information and lack of support. It's a despicable thing to do to the person you supposedly love.

There's also no reason he can't provide you with the information now, he's had to provide it to the debt place he's contacted. He's stalling so he can be there to minimise the spending and play the victim with some bullshit story for why he couldn't help it, at the same time he comes clean about it all, having avoided your initial shock and anger and hoping you'll be ready to give him some sympathy.

I wouldn't even be surprised if there was never any real plan to sell the house. A house available for rental now would mean short term paying both rent and mortgage until the house was sold. How would that improve your situation? It sounds like utter nonsense.

There's a tactic where manipulative people will paint the worst case scenario to get their own way, knowing you'll be relieved when it's not as bad and hoping you'll just cave in on whatever they want. It's strange how he's gone from potentially making you homeless and costing you your job, to all of a sudden backtracking to keeping the house and he'll sort it all out himself. He hasn't sorted it out himself up to now!

I would expect he has spent an awful lot more on his bikes than you could possibly believe. I would research what the ones he owns cost to buy new/nearly you. Then all the interest he’s incurred as a result of buying them and putting everything on a credit card.

There is also likely a lot of interest in there

Please do this and don’t get exhausted and be told you need to put it behind you.

you need answers

His bikes aren't worth a lot, but he has been restoring them, so possibly spent a lot there. I know what your saying @3luckystars because I'm exhausted already, and trying to think of a way out of this mess. You just don't believe that the person who supposedly is your partner in life, be able to achieve this level of deception. It's hard to get your head around, because you trust them entirely, it's like you suddenly lost that person you knew and you've to start fixing something with a whole new person. I would have trusted him with my life, and now I don't know who he is 😞

OP you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, really. This is sadly not uncommon, and modern life really makes spending money so easy, with phones, online gambling/shopping and instant loans... take some time to take a breath, if he is being completely honest and is willing to completely change his habits and have you control all of the money in the house there may well be a way back from this.
I'm not excusing him or saying I think you should just put up with it btw, only you can answer that, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and don't need to feel any shame

It may have been mentioned already and I have been following this thread but have you checked your own credit history with Clearscore? Just to see if there is anything that is associated or linking the two of you. I can't help feeling that he is stalling on telling you things that you have asked for - forewarned is forearmed. If he were willingly giving you information then you would be able to inform yourself and have questions ready for when he returns. But as it stands now - why shouldn't he tell you? It won't get better just because he's sat next to you revealing the information but as others have pointed out it could worse than he has revealed to you.
Having been there with an exH - who kept running up debt to keep me staying with him. My solicitor said there comes a point when you just have to walk away. I did just that and walked out on all the debt and left him to sort it - if he sent debt collectors after me - I refused to deal with them and sent them back to him. I left with my stuff in black bags - he had everything else - a house full of furniture, the lot. The relief was immense!!