Husband has hid HUGE debts!!!

[Pixiedust70]

I've been married 18 years, and have 2 teenagers. I feel so sick right now, I don't know what to do. I knew he had debt as we renovated a house we bought 4 years ago, but he earns a good wage and I trusted him to manage it. We had no debt moving in here, so in 4 years he's ran up £116,000 in debt. I never thought it was possible to even get that amount of debt. I'm so upset, I don't even know how I feel, I'm just numb. I have lost all trust in him, I'm also a childminder, so if the house goes, so does my job. I'll have nothing 😞
I suppose I just want an outsider perspective because I can't speak to my friends as it's too embarrassing

There has been some work done on how gambling companies should have processes in place to cut people off. Though that's for him if he goes to Gamblers Anonymous and tries to fix himself though.
Never agree to move unsecured debt to a secured loan on the house. All these loan companies can be dealt with on a payment plan debt plan. Separate your finances. Mortgage companies look at people's use of gambling websites and refuse loans on that basis.
Rally friends and family OP, check your credit report as others have said.
You will get through this 💐

https://www.financial-ombudsman.org.uk/consumers/complaints-can-help/complaints/complaints-that-involve-gambling-related-harm

For the life of me I don’t understand why he isn’t planning on paying off the debt with his current income. My understanding is rig workers earn a substantial amount.

as far as the children go, Say nothing for now about uni. It is not the children’s worry.

go and get professional help and advice. Ask about the hardship provisions on his super policy.

but don’t sell or re-mortgage the house to pay his gambling debt. He can keep working to pay those.

Don’t carry this burden alone op. As @Anyahyacinthsays call on friends and family for support. This isn’t your cross to bear it’s his. Don’t take it in as your own.

So sorry OP. Sadly you are one of thousands who find themselves in this position and its been going on for decades.
Gambling is one of the most destructive addictions and so hard to kick as it is legal and really the safeguards only work if the person uses them. As they say, compulsive gamblers will bet on 2 flies crawling up a wall.
Had it affect our wider family.
Only you can decide where to go from here.
Would you ever be able to respect or trust him again?
With regards to his pension, maybe see a solicitor as half should be yours. If you draw out early on hardship grounds (some pensions allow this I believe) and pay off his debts it will be gone on nothing.
Good luck.

Op whatever happens I know the thread will be ltb but I think even though he’s lied/ omitted to tell you or whatever way this has gone, as others have said only you know if you can go on with him or if this (even though it’s massive), is just a thing that went wrong but ye can still be ‘you’ (the couple/ the family). Hope whatever way it goes it works out for you. Easy for me to say it’s not the end of the world but I was just at a funeral and my mum is struggling and money means nothing in the end (but this is your world and it must be the world’s biggest shock)

My friend was in a similar situation and managed to have quite a bit of the debt wiped off as the loan company had been found to be irresponsible with lending to her husband.

What do you mean his ‘super’ policy? Are you in Australia? Thanks.

My BIL gambled the house away . And an inheritance and his wife's separate inheritance And his redundancy payout Now retirement they are renting a horrible little house and he has had to carry on working as they only have their state pensions . And he is still gambling . My friends husband gambled their house away . She divorced him . Don't be sweet talked OP it won't go away x

Pension pot whatever. The OP responded to my earlier comment on the subject.

I'm so sorry. :( can you get independent advice on where you stand and what you'd get if you divorce? There might be things you can do to safeguard yourself.

You don't have to divorce but I would get advice so you know where you stand and can make an informed decision.

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

Then this is his issue to solve, don't fall into the trap of doing it for him. All you need to do is to take legal steps to protect yourself ie any savings/bank accounts going into your name and seeing if you can protect your share of the house.

I'm so sorry. This must be a horrific shock.

You still need to see all the bank/credit card statements to check he's telling the truth. "Gambling" is the least worse excuse for running up huge debt, so he may still be lying and may have been using sex workers, drugs, etc.

Growing up on a small household income is hugely preferable to growing up with financial insecurity due to your father's gambling. Children pick up what's going on: the Mum's worry every week about whether he's lost his wages; the Dad's moodiness, Mum's shame and covering up for him. The effects are profound and lifelong.

Please don't put your children through this. Make a break and let them live in financial security with you.

OP, gambling puts families into the gutter.
I have seen a case up close.
A couple both with good jobs, lovely home, two boys in their late 20's.
He had been "investing" surplus income for years, and years, for their retirement.
But he hadn't.

He had a gambling habit that was out of control with debts running into the hundreds of thousands.
Lovely home had to be sold.
His wife, a retired teacher, now lives in a small 2 bed, but it is all hers.
Thank god she has her pension.

He has a studio flat and is still working.
He went to rehab and who knows if he is still gambling or not.
He never invested a penny of all their money, two inheritances, over all those years.
He gambled it all.
He probably has gambled a couple of million in the course of their marriage.
His wife really loved him and remains quietly devastated a few years later.
She really trusted him.
He was a really nice man, other than this.

It's a sad story but for me the true horror is how she simply never knew.
Them both having good jobs was the cover.
He always had funds, held down a good job.

She wife went to GamAnon and realised her story was not so unusual.
So many women left almost destitute.
So much misery caused by gambling.
She is also one of the better stories having her own work pension.
He has his pension too, in a few years.
But losing her home and gorgeous garden was so upsetting.
Also their sons will not be getting the inheritance they might have expected, but again, better than many, education completed and both working.

It's not uncommon. I have heard of several very wealthy men that have a problem. Its really everywhere.

I'm so sorry OP. Agree you still need to see the statements. Full transparency. Believing what people say, that's for people you can trust, which isn't him any more.

I had a gambler too and was done at 40k. It was a lifetime "fun" habit that had spiralled out of control. Blew the house renovation money as well as his disposable income. I was so glad we weren't married and the house wasn't mine. I'd still been duped though, had been paying for things because he "couldn't afford it" despite me earning less and we barely went out. I felt betrayed. I can't imagine how you feel in your circumstances, it's so much worse.

Money does matter. Constant financial stress is a big deal. How much have you gone without in the name of frugality, whilst he's spent not only his earnings (and his savings?) but run up this massive debt too? My ex is still gambling. Quit his job and is now "trading" - so gambling with other people's money, then, as well as his own! I'm so glad I'm out of there. He lost more than I earn in a year but I manage fine because I can budget and live within my means. The financial stress is gone as well as the relationship stress from wondering what's going on, being on the receiving end of his stress and irritation, wondering why there's that niggling thought at the back of my mind that something just isn't adding up.

I live a normal life now, my home is decorated not a building site, I have an ordinary social life, my car is not a rust bucket on its last legs, I have some savings. My ex lived constantly in a run down house and drove ancient shit cars, wore supermarket clothes despite having a good job and never progressed like he could have in his career because all he cared about was gambling. He never got help because he didn't want to give it up.

How would your husband give it up even if he wants to when he's surrounded by it at work? What addict ever solved their problems whilst living in the thick of it? I'm guessing the answer is none. Especially someone with a personality of people pleasing and keeping up with the Jones's. So unless he's talking about a new career and therapy, my guess is he's full of shit.

Short for superannuation

I agree. ASAP.. and also ask legal expert if you can put a claim half of pension, in case he draws that down and gambles with it, because your DC may need it.. or he may if he needs care in later life.
At least he has admitted it but his plan to win it back is useless. You still need all the details and a legally advised plan to protect your own finances from his debt.

You should play your cards very close to your chest on this as he will not be able to help him self from finding a way out of his predicament with more gambling and may be try to disrupt your efforts and that could put your finances and everything else at risk.

Also. get anything of value belonging to you out of the house and in safe keeping.
Check your insurance and get advice on how to make sure he doesn't try to make false claims.

Did you see the solicitor today? How did it go?

When is he back?

I would be looking at short term and medium term options.

Short term - think tactically. For all of your next steps you need him to get a handle on his debts and gambling. So I would support him once he is back in getting together all of the loans and credit cards and approaching debt charities and lenders and coming up with a repayment plan.

Support him in putting in stops with online gambling sites and finding a support group.

Protect yourself and your assets and those of your children too.

Whilst it should be him and him alone that deals with this debt, you are running a business from the house and you want to know what is going on with his debts otherwise you will dread a 7 am knock at the door in fear of debt collects. Twice when moving house I have had debt collectors looking for previous occupants and even though they were after me it took a while to shake that fear of the early morning/evening knock on the door.

Medium - look through family finances and get yourself in a good financial position to give yourself and your children options in life with or without him. Start looking at what sort of life and relationship you and your children can have with him once the immediate trauma is over. The betrayal is huge and it will take time to find a way to coexist in your children's lives

Don’t believe it until you see it with your own eyes.

You (well he) should look at the MoneySavingExpert site re debt advice & also talk to citizens advice.

Sometimes irresponsible lending can be cited (eg 4 x loans from one company etc or sheer amounts) and there may be possibility of debts being annulled etc.

For the love of God, do not let him touch the house to remortgage to get rid of the debts. It won't work (said as someone who previously dealt with the same situation). If your house is joint and he is made bankrupt your share of the equity will be ringfenced for you. There will be no equity or very little if you remortgage and he has then made his problem your problem. This is the only time where there should be seperate finances in a relationship. You now need to take control of the money. No joint accounts. He puts his share of the bills into your account. He then needs to work like a dog to clear his debts. He needs to go to Gamblers Anonymous. If he won't go to GA, he has no intention of stopping gambling. Even if he does go, there's no guarantee he will be strong enough to arrest the addiction. If you are staying with him,go to Gam anon who help those dealing with a gambler. Also get him to look at Dave Ramsay's baby steps for recovering his financial situation. Best of luck - dealing witha loved one's addiction is a shit show (having been there, done that and bought the t-shirt)

His gambling doesn't stop the kids going to uni. It just means they might need to incur debt to do so that they might otherwise not have had to do

A parent with a high income will mean that maintenance loans will be at minimum level which won’t be enough to pay rent and other living costs so their children will have to be subsidised quite extensively. Not easy if the ops husband is using most of his wage to pay off debts.

What makes it worse is we were in joint debt when our daughter was born due to her medical issues. We used the baby steps to get out of that debt, and I never thought we'd be there again 😔