Husband has hid HUGE debts!!!

[Pixiedust70]

I've been married 18 years, and have 2 teenagers. I feel so sick right now, I don't know what to do. I knew he had debt as we renovated a house we bought 4 years ago, but he earns a good wage and I trusted him to manage it. We had no debt moving in here, so in 4 years he's ran up £116,000 in debt. I never thought it was possible to even get that amount of debt. I'm so upset, I don't even know how I feel, I'm just numb. I have lost all trust in him, I'm also a childminder, so if the house goes, so does my job. I'll have nothing 😞
I suppose I just want an outsider perspective because I can't speak to my friends as it's too embarrassing

I think it’s just ADHD, spending it on his bikes and overspending on the renovations.

it’s probably racking up over years. It might have started as soon as she bailed him
out last time. That’s what happens.

Don’t bail him out again or you will regret it.
Dont trust him again or you will regret it.
Dont shy away from the conversations or you will regret it.

By all means stay with him but let him face it, fully, and repair it, and if you stay, you will be like his mother for the rest of his life giving him an allowance. You will have to be very very strong.

Is he definitely still working?

They earn very well on the oil rigs some of them up to 30k a month, he can probably do a load of overtime and pay it back quick but you will have to be in charge and get complete and total transparency.

You need to sit him down and get him to show you all the documentation.
You need to know what sort of debts they are, secured on the house, or unsecured loans/credit cards, plus any to family friends, dodgy loan companies etc.
Find out how much is owed to each, and whether he's signed your name for any of them or tricked you into signing.
Find out what the contractual payments are, what the interest rate is, whether he's been affording them or if he's in arrears. If he's in arrears, what action have they taken? CCJ? Collection company? Bailiffs?
Only when you know all this can you know how serious it is. Because the severity of a debt issue isn't measured just in amount owed, its ability to pay, what happens if you don't and what stage its at.

Well, for me, if you have separate accounts, you’re not fully involved in each other’s finances.

With my husband, we don’t have “my money” and “your money.” We share everything and have access to everything.

If the agreement is that your husband has his own money, then yes, he can start accumulating debt just like you can with yours.

I believe that being fully involved in and understanding your finances is only possible when you share everything, with complete transparency and mutual access.

And no, it isn’t about control. It’s about marriage. If I’m legally responsible for half of the debt my husband could accumulate, then I have every right to know where every penny goes, just as he has the same right to know it too.

I always smile when I see ‘sit him down and…. ’ if you have a husband that’s avoidant, he won’t sit down. He will avoid, avoid and put smoke and mirrors around this.
He will not sit down!!

He will stand in the doorway ready to run and won’t answer any questions. He has gotten away with this many times before. He has tactics and he will use them.

I don’t imagine this man is the type that would ‘sit down’ he will be gaslighting and confusing her for months. She is also the type that is vulnerable to this type of man so she hasn’t a hope of getting answers out of him.

OP if you are reading this I’d recommend a book called ‘women who love too much’ because you are one of them. So am I btw!!

If anyone reading this has a husband that you can ‘sit down’ and get answers out of, this is all probably hard to understand but it’s true.

They must be relatively well off then; not typical.

A renovation eg, a new kitchen, doing up the downstairs, new boiler and shower, maybe small extension and attic conversion would cost about 150k at least.

A new bathroom alone is about 15k, it can cost as much as a kitchen.

Well I am married and again, I am involved in “our” finances. I think like a lot of people though, that doesn’t mean we automatically share accounts. So having separate accounts doesn’t mean she isn’t involved in the household finances, it just means she doesn’t necessarily know every penny her husband is spending and I don’t think that’s unusual or her fault for how he has handled his side of the finances.

You are in many ways quite right.
But there comes a point when the partner of such a man means business and needs to show she does. When its a sufficiently big deal for her life, that if he doesn't 'sit down' then she gets up, and walks away. And she makes that clear.
She gives up the comfort of allowing herself to be fobbed off by letting him 'sort it' because she doesn't trust that he will.
I don't know if the OP is there yet. Its a big step from limited financial involvement to full warts and all disclosure and its tempting to let him dissemble and dodge. Especially as you say, he will be good at it.
But if she doesn't aquaint herself with their finances and protect herself she may live to regret it. So my advice would be to tell him 'sit down or I'm off'.

Agreed

I would not be going further if he was not telling me such stuff

There's no reason why he can't login to the accounts of all the credit cards and send you the statements, you don't need to wait for him to return for this.

I was in a similar-ish situation. I thought we were okay, we didnt have tonnes of money but enough to take our child to activities when I wanted, a takeaway once or twice a week etc. Some months we apparently did have tonnes of money as he would get huge bonuses, though its only after the end of the relationship I realised I had never seen proof, had access to his online banking etc when he had free access to mine and knew where every penny went in and out. We rarely bought anything extravagant with these apparently large sums of money and also had no savings.

Anyway, I found out my ex hadnt been paying any of his share of the bills for years and the debts were increasing all of the time. During this time he was taking our payday loans (before he met me he'd maxed out any overdrafts, bank loans etc) When he left me we had bailiffs round and all sorts, sadly some of the debt were in my name (ie council tax was in our joint name) He made sure all of the correspondence was via email so I didnt see any letters, he even did the same with water which was in my name (I didnt know), and they had his mobile, email address etc as the contact. It was a massive mess. In the end I spoke to Step Change and I now have an IVA. It is incredibly frustrating as all of my share of the bills were always paid and I had no idea his weren't until he disappeared. He left over a year ago and I still get letters addressed to him for various debts, loans, bailiffs, etc.

I suspect the money was going on drugs, I didn't know but I did some digging when he left and spoke to a colleague of his who admitted they had used drugs together a few years before. I imagine that continued as I couldnt understand where else the money could have gone. He was literally wasting thousands every month and still getting new payday loans that would take him too, obviously he then couldnt pay them so needed more. I have no idea what else he could have spent money on, we also didnt live extravagantly.

He disappeared when all of this was coming out so frustratingly I've never been able to ask him (not that he would give me an honest answer!) But its a horrible place to be. I am effectively fucked with a 5 year IVA, though I must say I found SC very pleasant and straightforward to work with and the whole process was simple. The lies and deceit are a hard thing to process and its also another can of worms what the money was even for, such a large amount isnt for daily living.

The debt has built up over 4 years.

It's £80 a day.

Coke habit?

I went to mention an IVA. Look into it, trust me, it'll be worth it. Good luck.

Why has he told you now, especially while he is away from home? What happened last time - how much debt and how did it come about? My first thought was that you probably don’t earn very much and your family is living beyond your means, teenagers are expensive and I think you both might have your heads in the sand. Why aren’t you on the deeds of the house? So much that you mention would be challenged by any normal, engaged partner. If your marriage is going to survive this, you need some serious counselling. I would be getting him to sell his bikes next week, he can buy new ones when the debt is paid off.

I’m so sorry OP. I know how shocking and devastating it is when you find out the truth. My relative is in a similar situation, albeit around £20k but the effect is still very, very damaging.

This was all through both online & betting shop gambling, it went under the carpet for a long time as they had nothing to show for it (e.g. buying clothes, extravagancies etc.)

It literally can be just the vicious cycle of getting into an addiction where the money just disappears. But please be reassured, although it won’t feel like it now, there is hope and a way out but it will take a lot of time and effort.

So if he's away a lot, how do you know he's always on the rig? He could be somewhere else. A second family to support? Sex workers? Check for large cash withdrawals on his credit card - this could indicate sex workers.

It'd be really difficult to fake going into work when you're on a rig. You're usually on a 2 week on 2 week off but my fil was on a 4 week on 4 week off. You can't just come and go to lead a double life..

I would be leaning towards selling the motorbikes to reduce the debt to start with. What sort/manufacturer are they?

""He's hid debt and lied".
It’s not really hiding something if the other person isn’t involved or interested in the finances."

The OP has explained in several posts that she knows all the household bills and what is spent on groceries etc. monthly, and that she has been paying for the family holidays. It's a massive, incorrect assumption to suggest that she hasn't been 'interested' in their family finances - seems like you want to find some way to make it her fault. I guess she could have randomly asked her DH 'darling, have you taken out any huge loans?', once a week, but aside from that its hard to see how she could have possibly guessed he would have done this!

You really need legal advice, and fast. Please get legal advice before you even bother talking to him about it. I'd try to disentangle myself from his debt as effectively a possible, then divorce him tbh.

Yes, you are involved, but being involved and being fully involved is a huge difference, and you can see why in situations like OP’s. I’m sure this setup works for you and many others because you have two responsible people. But there are plenty of threads where someone has accumulated a huge amount of debt while the other person says, “Oh, I was involved.”

No, you were involved in your own part of the finances. Again, that’s absolutely fine, but then I don’t understand why it comes as a surprise.

That poster is suggesting she should have insisted on seeing all of his bank accounts “to be fully involved”. Which most people would say is abusive, and still wouldn’t stop a would-be gambler from opening up a new account that you don’t get told about. It’s just victim blaming nonsense.