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Original poster

Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

487 replies

Handbaggez · 13/01/2026 23:26

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

OP posts:
MyQuirkyFinch · 13/01/2026 23:27

I would follow what my mother has said in the will and take my third. If she wanted just your brothers to have it she would’ve said that.

Alltheyellowbirds · 13/01/2026 23:28

To think that’s a lovely thought and it’s your decision not your husband’s.

I also don’t think your mum would mind at all.

EskarinaS · 13/01/2026 23:29

It's your money to do as you please with. Could you gift some of it to your brothers, but also treat yourself to a holiday or new kitchen or something else you'd really enjoy?

SandyY2K · 13/01/2026 23:30

I don't agree with your husband saying "our share".

It's your inheritance. Not his.

Won't the inheritance Your brothers get be enough to sort themselves out though?

Changingplace · 13/01/2026 23:31

I’m sorry for your loss.

I think I’d follow what was in the will, it was your mums choice to split her assets as are did, I would take the inheritance.

With kindness, I would also not make any big decisions over and above that right now, you’ve had a lot to deal with having lost your mum, don’t rush into big choices like this.

I’d accept the inheritance, put it in the bank and not do anything for minimum 6 months.

littlemousebigcheese · 13/01/2026 23:31

I believe that if you’re married, it’s family money. If it was the other way round, people would be furious at the suggestion of your husband deciding without your input. Your mother wanted you to have a share, it’s half your husbands. I don’t think it’s fair to disregard arguably two of the most important people in your life’s opinions?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/01/2026 23:32

' This will be split equally between me and my two brothers.'

' DH strongly disagrees and says that we I have to take our my share of the inheritance.

Not his decision how you choose to spend your money.

Is your dh likely to receive an inheritance one day ?

Lurkingandlearning · 13/01/2026 23:33

As it seems you and your husband have no essential need of the money, I would make the gifts to my brother as I had chosen to. Unless you have always agreed that all money is jointly owned and he has put any inheritance or windfall into the pot. Then I suppose you should stick to that

parietal · 13/01/2026 23:33

Do you have children? If so, giving up your share also reduces what they could inherit one day.

if you have no children and never will, the there is a stronger argument for your plan

but you need to talk carefully with your husband. Ask about what the money would mean and what emotions would be linked to having or not having it. Would giving it away make him resent your brothers? What value does he attach to being rich? And what value do you place on being rich? These are complex issues with no one answer and it might take a few discussions to find out what works.

Esperanza25 · 13/01/2026 23:33

Your Mum has left one third of her estate to you and it’s yours to do as you wish with. I think it’s a lovely idea to help your brothers in this way.
However, if you have children, I think I’d give an amount to each of them and then give the rest to your brothers.

Hallywally · 13/01/2026 23:33

Nothing to do with your husband- tell him to butt out.

SconehengeRevenge · 13/01/2026 23:35

I think it's lovely of you, but are you sure you can afford to?
You say you're a home owner, will you cope if your roof develops a leak, your boiler goes and your washing machine dies all in the same week?
We've just put DD through 4 years of uni and it's cleaned out our savings and cost us every spare penny we have.
We're fucked if she gets married or if one of us need paid care as we get older.

Ponderingwindow · 13/01/2026 23:37

If it is enough money to sort your brothers, then it could get your own children help getting started in life. Alternatively it could form a good chunk of your retirement savings.

You and your husband are supposed to be working together to prioritize the financial health of your household. you shouldn’t just give away money unless you are both in agreement.

workshy46 · 13/01/2026 23:39

How much are we talking about ? Would u be comfortable in the event of divorce for instance ? I’m

BendicksAddict · 13/01/2026 23:40

OP not returned, and this could generate a lot of traffic. Is this for real?

patooties · 13/01/2026 23:41

Are we talking 60k split 3 ways or 600K or 6m? I’d be more likely to donate 20k than 200k!
do you have children? Will it mean you can retire 5 years earlier or buy a home overseas ?
a lesser amount would make a huge difference to your brothers and less so for you. It’s impossible to answer really without knowing numbers and life stage.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 13/01/2026 23:42

MyQuirkyFinch · 13/01/2026 23:27

I would follow what my mother has said in the will and take my third. If she wanted just your brothers to have it she would’ve said that.

A different perpective on that…. I know my parents will splits everything equally between me and my siblings. They have done that because they have always been, and want to be, fair to all of us and treat us all equally. To them that’s the right thing to do. However, I don’t need it so I know the right thing to do is then help the sibling that, through no fault of their own, is not in the same position as I am. To me that’s the right thing to do.

My parents would almost certainly hope that’s what I’d do, but they’d never presume to preempt that by reflecting it in their will. My husband is already dead, but I know that he’d also support my approach if he were still alive…because we don’t need it. If it was going to impact our lifestyle then of course he’d have been right it have an opinion. But if it isn’t, then it’s of no concern to him.

edited to add that for context we are probably talking about a mid 6 figure sum. Enough to ensure a moderately comfortable old age for my sibling, and a roof over their head - without my regifting they’d probably have a home but little income.

caringcarer · 13/01/2026 23:43

Your inheritance, your choice. It's not your DH money.

MapleOakPine · 13/01/2026 23:43

Could you compromise - keep half and give away half?

thecomedyofterrors · 13/01/2026 23:45

Are your brothers guaranteed to spend the inheritance on houses etc? It would be a shame to share it then they blew the lot! I would keep it, wait and if they need some help to buy etc, then share generously.

WrylyAmused · 13/01/2026 23:45

I think you should also think about the impact it may have on your relationship with your husband. Your primary relationship is supposed to be with him, that's what marriage is.

You say "I was lucky enough to buy and we are mortgage free" - what was the balance of contributions (not necessarily purely financial, esp. if children) between you and your husband in creating this? Is it "your" property or "ours"?

Do you have children? What about their futures? Unexpected life events?

Are your brothers worse off because of their life choices, or from circumstances outside their control? What impact would getting your additional inheritance have for them?

How old are you (& your brothers) now?

What impact would your inheritance have on your lifestyle, your future plans, your retirement? What if you need care in your old age?

There is likely to be a middle ground (perhaps give them a minority %, but not all) which would maintain harmony in your household.

I do also think it's important to remember that your mum knew about the life circumstances of all of her children and chose to leave her estate in this way.

Keroppi · 13/01/2026 23:46

I would just have it split between you 3 it's the fairest and easiest and if that's how yiur mum wanted it to be then fair enough

I don't disagree with DH that your brothers need to make up their own finances. People can and do get greedy and entitled and used to being a "taker" very easily. Maybe I'm cynical

Would you be annoyed if they blew it on crap? I would tbh

Just take your share and invest it and keep a portion back and pay for a holiday for you all together somewhere your mum loved to take you or dreamed about going. You cover flights and they can cover food or something and just enjoy time spent together as a family in celebration of your mum

saraclara · 13/01/2026 23:46

Be aware that if the money arrives in your account and you give it away, it will count as a gift with regard to inheritance tax, and should you die within seven years, your estate will have to pay you to 40% tax on it. So your beneficiaries will lose a lot of money.

If you truly don't want to take the inheritance, you need to sign a deed of variation before it is paid to you, and then it will go straight to your brothers without any potential IHT issues.

(I'm not a tax expert, have just learned a lot while having to deal with my mum's estate)

Moveoverdarlin · 13/01/2026 23:46

I think it hugely depends on the numbers. If you’re splitting 100k between the three of you, I think it’s a sweet gesture. If you’re getting 500k each I think you’re bonkers. You never know what’s around the corner. You and your DH might be doing well now but could you sustain your lifestyle if you got a serious illness and he lost his job? Do you have kids to get on the property ladder or put through uni?

Will your brothers see it as charity?

MaraScottie · 13/01/2026 23:47

How would you feel if your brothers blew your share of the inheritance on some expensive cars and a nice holiday!?

I'd take my share to start, you can decide what to do with it later, when the dust settles.

Sorry for your loss.

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