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Original poster

In laws request change mortgage/postnup.

195 replies

ThisGutsy · 17/09/2025 10:26

My husband is due to receive inheritance, because of this, his mother has requested to change our mortgage from joint tenants to tenants in common, which would include a post nup! We’ve been together for 20 years & married for half of that so to me it seems weird to request this at this point of our marriage? Just wondering what others feelings are on this matter or have advice moving forward. I’m not keen on the idea.

OP posts:
Kuretake · 17/09/2025 10:28

Do you mean inheritance? Or do you mean a gift from his parent? If someone has died and left your husband money then your MIL can't make that conditional. If she's the one writing a cheque then she can I guess. What does your husband make of this, is he asking you to change the mortgage?

Original poster
ThisGutsy · 17/09/2025 10:32

His Nan has died so yes inheritance. My husband floated the idea past me & I expressed how unhappy I was with this idea. I’ve looked into tenants in common & it’s not a road I wish to go down at this point of our marriage.

OP posts:
Wot23 · 17/09/2025 10:33

I take it that you and MIL are not besties!
Even after 10 years a mother will still put her son above his chosen wife and his mother wants her money to be "safe". A far from abnormal reaction when undertaking inheritance planning, however, MIL appears to have little understanding of the validity of a "post nup" in the context of a long standing marriage and UK law.

That said your aversion to TIC is somewhat inexplicable just because of "passage of time"? Do you have children (together or separately)? If yes then TIC has advantages when it comes to inheritance planning of your own and / or the risk of care home fees.

ThirdStorm · 17/09/2025 10:33

I'm struggling to think of any circumstances where you can't feel offended at the mothers request?! What am I missing?

Kuretake · 17/09/2025 10:35

I think honestly its really weird that this has even reached you as an idea. Why didn't your husband just say it was ridiculous when his mother floated it.

The fact it may have been his mum's idea is such a red herring - the problem is that he has asked you to do it!

Bloodyscarymary · 17/09/2025 10:35

That’s extremely odd and way out of line for your MIL to request! What does your husband think?

Is the inheritance coming to your husband directly or has his mother inherited and is suggesting she will do a deed of variation so that your husband inherits a portion of her inheritance?

If it’s coming to your husband directly then you can of course just ignore her entirely. If she is doing a deed of variation I guess you need to weigh up the economic benefit to your family of getting the inheritance now. If for example he can use the inheritance to completely pay off “his” half of the mortgage, and then he uses his income towards your repayments - economically you may be better off as a family.

If you’re in the UK it’s unlikely a “post nup” would stand up in court so you could just agree to this to get the inheritance and then carry on as you normally would. Maybe just talk to a solicitor.

Iloveacurry · 17/09/2025 10:38

Your MIL doesn’t really like you does she? I’d be very offended about this.

At any point will you be due any inheritance from your family? Your DH is setting a precedent really for any future inheritance you may receive.

Ilikewinter · 17/09/2025 10:39

Woooahhh, I'm both fuming and insulted on your behalf OP! How dare she involve herself in your financial affairs.

Its inheritence from his gran so his mother cannot stipulate the terms he receives that on!

It would be a hard no from me, and I would find the relationship with MIL going forward vert strained.

Original poster
ThisGutsy · 17/09/2025 10:45

Well this is the weird thing, MIL and I have a brilliant relationship! She has also asked her daughter to do this with her husband, who has ignored the idea! The inheritance is coming directly to my husband. We both work, both pay towards the mortgage and have a brilliant marriage. I just don’t want to continue our marriage with this control. My husband has said he will not push it on to me, however the fact it’s been mentioned & already ruffled my feathers.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 17/09/2025 10:50

Ouch, that is painful.

I am guessing she's been reading stuff online or had her ear bent by friends and is imagining all sorts of awful scenarios and her mind has run away with her considering it might be an amount of ££ she has never envisioned. Inheritances these days can be in a different league to we have commonly seen in the past and they mess with your mind.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/09/2025 10:53

Blimey, neither of us would even countenance such a thing. It’s staggeringly disrespectful to your marriage and hurtful to you. I can’t see how the suggestion won’t damage your relationship so I’d follow the sister in ignoring it. Has it made you see your husband in a different light?

Original poster
ThisGutsy · 17/09/2025 10:53

Ouch indeed.

Money….. the root of all evil!

OP posts:
OneMomentPlease · 17/09/2025 11:01

The kindest interpretation I can find is that this is a grief reaction from MIL - trying to hold on to control of the last link to her mother. But, it’s completely unreasonable and I wouldn’t entertain it for a second OP. I would have a massive issue with DH too if he asked this of me.

MNJury · 17/09/2025 11:03

I think your husband made a mistake even passing this idea on to you. When you say he said he will not push it on you - what's his opinion on it, is he saying it as if he thinks it's a decent idea but won't push, or is he saying it's a terrible idea in the first place? Either way, hopefully now he realises how hurtful this it will be the end to it.

Mil would have to be very thick skinned and bold to press this on you directly. If you otherwise have a good relationship with her you can choose to see this as her having heard some horror stories and is now going about trying to protect her child in a very awkward way. But I'd be upset at this too. What kind of amount are we talking, the usual share of a normal house kind of inheritance, or previously unseen millions?!

Bloodyscarymary · 17/09/2025 11:03

ThisGutsy · 17/09/2025 10:45

Well this is the weird thing, MIL and I have a brilliant relationship! She has also asked her daughter to do this with her husband, who has ignored the idea! The inheritance is coming directly to my husband. We both work, both pay towards the mortgage and have a brilliant marriage. I just don’t want to continue our marriage with this control. My husband has said he will not push it on to me, however the fact it’s been mentioned & already ruffled my feathers.

If the inheritance is coming directly to your husband then you can both ignore his mother entirely on this, as his sister has done.

Zigazigarrr · 17/09/2025 11:06

How much are you looking at? If it’s significant amounts of money I can see why they want that tbh. It’s their money and whilst you have been married for 20 years that may not continue and as much as you are their son’s wife, you are not their daughter.

For context we have a pre nup cos I came in with significant family finance advantage. Similar to you regarding marriage length tho not quite as long. Even now as my parents are funnelling stuff through ahead of Rachel Reeves grab I do put some in the accounts I know are protected because we are talking large sums and my husband totally understands anyway (even tho my parents give the gifts without specifying). Saying that, I do all the family finances and investments and everyone (him and the kids) are well taken care of so he has no reason to feel short changed in any way.

rwalker · 17/09/2025 11:07

Unfortunately you need to take emotions out of Practicalities
50% of marriages for and enormous amount of those a are in the latter years kids left and looming retirement
I think we all know a friend who has lost out financially in a separation
she’s done it with his sister as well

in the big scheme of things it will have zero affect unless you split but you will benefit from the cash you save paying a mortgage

TorroFerney · 17/09/2025 11:07

Iloveacurry · 17/09/2025 10:38

Your MIL doesn’t really like you does she? I’d be very offended about this.

At any point will you be due any inheritance from your family? Your DH is setting a precedent really for any future inheritance you may receive.

I agree. And How would a parent know how your arranged your mortgage . I’m agog. It speaks of very odd levels of enmeshment as he obviously doesn’t think this is a bizarre conversation.

TorroFerney · 17/09/2025 11:08

ThisGutsy · 17/09/2025 10:45

Well this is the weird thing, MIL and I have a brilliant relationship! She has also asked her daughter to do this with her husband, who has ignored the idea! The inheritance is coming directly to my husband. We both work, both pay towards the mortgage and have a brilliant marriage. I just don’t want to continue our marriage with this control. My husband has said he will not push it on to me, however the fact it’s been mentioned & already ruffled my feathers.

I would imagine your brilliant relationship is built in compliance, say no to this as a test and see how the relationship fairs.

Original poster
ThisGutsy · 17/09/2025 11:10

MNJury · 17/09/2025 11:03

I think your husband made a mistake even passing this idea on to you. When you say he said he will not push it on you - what's his opinion on it, is he saying it as if he thinks it's a decent idea but won't push, or is he saying it's a terrible idea in the first place? Either way, hopefully now he realises how hurtful this it will be the end to it.

Mil would have to be very thick skinned and bold to press this on you directly. If you otherwise have a good relationship with her you can choose to see this as her having heard some horror stories and is now going about trying to protect her child in a very awkward way. But I'd be upset at this too. What kind of amount are we talking, the usual share of a normal house kind of inheritance, or previously unseen millions?!

Normal house prices.

It has certainly raised doubts in my head about our future together!!

His Mum has always been money orientated and worried about ‘protecting the money’

OP posts:
Liondoesntsleepatnight · 17/09/2025 11:11

I imagine that she will look back at this with remorse tbh. Forgive her as she lost her DM but I would be asking DH just to shut it down.

How your finances are structured has nothing to do with her.

99bottlesofkombucha · 17/09/2025 11:13

I’ve been married for close to 20 years and if my dh suggested this I’d say firmly oh no if we have to get lawyers involved at this stage I think we should keep it simple and just go straight to the divorce. Then I’d ask mil next time I saw her why she wants her son to be divorced, as that is surely the obvious outcome of asking me 20 years in for a postnup, so presumably that’s her goal.

Littlemissbubbblles · 17/09/2025 11:17

I would be absolutely heartbroken.
Youre married, it’s 50:50 all the way, whatever……

Inlawout · 17/09/2025 11:18

I've had this recently and it's really pissed me off.
Together 30 years, married 25.
PIL are sorting out their wills and doing all sorts of stuff with trusts and trustees and grand children.
What's actually filtered down to me is they don't trust me to make decisions on behalf of DH or my kids. It's fucking insulting after all these years and because of what if s and maybes, they risk me finding the scummiest care home in the next few years for them.
So they want their inheritance ring fenced in some sort of trust so that if DH dies after them it's not in the marital pot, I would have to ask my BIL & SIL for access and justify my spending or purchase and it's not for me it's for the kids.
So it's hands off for me. But for the kids they also have to wait until 25. So past the key student, car, rent deposit stage. BIL & SIL would be obstructive and you can bet the trust would benefit their kids more.

Just the hint of this has undone any goodwill, all evens out in the long run, give and take emotions.

They are 89 and 87 and they can honestly get fucked if thats what they think of me after all these years.

In contrast DH is part of my mother's power of attorney! Couldn't ask for a more extreme attitude to family.

chunkybear · 17/09/2025 11:18

I’d personally feel offended! I’d definitely be sharing that with my DH.
perhaps you could remind him that as you carried and gave birth to your children he’s now going to be taken off the birth certificate. Also, have you received any inheritance? If your inheritance is more or even if it could be more will he be happy to do the same ?

part is a partnership is taking that plunge, not being all diva about who brought what to the party!