Sons want money from my house when/if I sell

[Helenrowena]

We live in quite a large house and we are thinking of downsizing. If anything crops up that we like that is.

I did mention in passing to my 2 sons that if we go from current 5 bed house to a 2 bed place it would free up a lot of capital .
I am hoping to top up my and husband's pensions with the capital and maybe try and get a holiday. We haven't had a holiday since 2007.
In addition I am my husband's carer as he had a brain injury in 2010.
Also we have a daughter who is bedbound and lives in a care home,plus 2 other daughters who have special needs
So we have had a lot of worries.
However, both sons have been asking for some of the capital of the proposed sale of our house,in effect getting some of their inheritance early. They are wanting about £100,000 each to buy a flat each. This would not leave me much left for topping up pensions .
What would you do? They keep asking about it.

Gifting large sums of money to the DDs may impact on their benefits though and it sounds like they are well set up at the minute.

Therefore at inheritance time that should be taken into consideration - but no reason to give the sons such large amounts now.

Taking everything else out of the equation it sounds like you may well need that cash in the future OP. What if your husband or daughters or even you need additional care in the future? The money will give you options.

Gifting large sums of money to the DDs may impact on their benefits though and it sounds like they are well set up at the minute.

You can set up Trust fund especially fur disabled people so they can have a small fund and still be entitled to benefits as well as the set up they need.

Yes, in Scotland any children have specific legal rights - one third of the moveable estate, divided amongst them.

I'm told that a good lawyer can get round that by setting up a trust.

They don't need 100k for a deposit on a house. I've mentioned a few times now - in Fife, just across the bridge from Edinburgh - you can buy a whole house for less than that.

You can get a 2 bed in move-in condition for around 110k. The same house needing a bit of cosmetic work can be bought for 90k. A decent flat can be bought for less than 50k.

Do not give any money to your sons. If they keep asking I would be very tempted to tell them you will write them out of your will if they carry on.

Top up your pensions, go on holiday and buy yourself a dog.

@Helenrowena

So, as @WearyAuldWumman posted, your adult male offspring probably know all about inheritance in Scotland! They are CF’s of the highest order!

Don’t give any money to anyone! Most of my dad’s siblings have lived to late 80’s and late 90’s!

You need your money for you, and your husband. If, and that’s an IF, there is any money left, then divide it equally.

It doesn’t matter if your daughters fill their flats with beanie babies and teddies! That is what brings them security and joy and makes them feel secure!

I have taken the liberty of making a plan for you, when you sell your house!

You say you and your husband aren’t close anymore. I feel like it’s because you have so many external factors that probably put pressure on your time and energy. But it sounds like your offspring (I have to keep telling my children they are adult offspring because at their ages, they always try to pull the “but I’m a child”. Nooooo, you’re my child but you’re actually an adult) are all settled.

You take that money, get passports and get on a round the world cruise! I was reading about this couple, probably same sort of age as you and your DH and they live on cruises! They say it works out cheaper than paying bills, council tax, food, etc. They get letters from their GP, get the prescriptions filled for the duration of the cruise, and don’t forget that there’s onboard medics! Try it! You also may like it so much you don’t bother ever going back! It’s a nice dream but you absolutely should get away somewhere, just the two of you to reconnect!

Cruise the world. Who knows, you might end up in my neck of the beaches 😉

You’ve had a very rough time of it OP and deserve a good holiday!

I’m going to be kinder to your sons than some might be. They clearly had a rough time of it growing up with very high-needs siblings. As much as people can say get over it, you’re an adult etc. having those experiences in childhood where you feel your needs aren’t met hurts.

100k is a joke from both. It may be just greed but it also could be a symptom of feeling resentful or hard done by. Also from their perspective it probably looks like the girls are sorted.

So Id be inclined to give them something small if you can, because I think refusing them outright would be overly harsh. As your girls get financial support & aren’t money savvy I wouldn’t be inclined to give them anything significant personally.

After that you prioritise you, you & you! Part of that could be going to therapy, you’ve had a lot to deal with in life.

The amount that they're asking for is a joke - another poster has given a link to a property in Aberdeen and I've given info about house prices in Fife, now pretty much a commuter belt for Edinburgh.

The sons aren't looking for a foot on the ladder: they're looking for luxury.

So you'd give away half a million pounds, and leave the OP potentially with no money left (she's only 65) to live out the rest of her days? We don't know how much capital there would be to begin with. She would need to buy another property, and she could have another 30years left on this earth. Why on earth should she give away half a million pounds when she's not done living??

I replied earlier but also want to add that you are still relatively young at 65 and could have many years ahead of you that you need to factor in, my grandmother lived to be 103

Also, there are plenty of relatively cheap properties in Glasgow and Edinburgh so I don’t know why your sons need 100k each, the should easily be able to buy a 1-2 bed starter flat / apartment on their own just to get on the property ladder, I would however give them 20k or something like that to help with the deposit but ONLY if you are not leaving yourself short.

You can also say to them that they will get more when you pass on whenever that will be

That's a really interesting update at 9.51 today OP. Philippa Perry (I think it was her) says when families fight about money, swap the word money for the word love in the discussions and you'll learn what is really going on. If you have the energy (and I appreciate you might not!) look up Glass Children too. That's a term to describe children who were largely overlooked in childhood due to a sibling with severe needs taking all of the key parent's attention. DS1 has some Glass Child traits as DS2 had SEN and physical disability. We are a close and loving family but he can be quite cool and demanding - almost snatching at anything material from us, even though he is not at all materialistic in general. I put it down to that imbalance of attention.

Considering what you have had to deal with, you deserve to be on holiday for the rest of your life.

I wouldn't give away half a million (depending on how much I got) but I'd certainly give them as much as I could. Reason being, we older people have built and voted for a society that has made ordinary life ambitions, such as a home and family, so much more difficult for our young people to achieve than it was for us. Even getting a council house is almost impossible for them because we voted for governments that sold them all off to the lowest bidder (possibly us) and didn't replace them. In short, gifting children a house deposit (further entrenching inequality) is often the only way young people have any chance of buying a home of their own.

Her sons are asking for considerably more than a deposit though, they are asking for £100K EACH. That's just rude. A deposit of £10-20K is very different to £100K. She has 5 children in total!

Just be aware that you can’t ‘top up’ your pensions with large amounts unless you have earnings commensurate with the amount you want to add.
If you are both non earners, you can only put £2880 each per year into your pensions, which gets £720 added as tax relief, so it’s still worth doing.
You would have to use investments and ISAs to boost your income instead.

I would probably give the money. Possibly not to the tune of £200k, but I would want to see them on the property ladder and with your husband's ailments and your daughter's conditions there is a fair chance that your money could be gobbled up quickly in care fees (my SIL's parents pay £3k a WEEK for the two of them in a care home! How long would your money last if you had to pay out those sorts of fees and how would you feel if you had nothing to pass on to your children?

Or, you could downsize and use the extra cash to buy a second property to rent out with the rental income supplementing your pension.

Ok, I have read your update and am feeling slightly more charitable towards your DSs now. You've put so much time and energy into your DDs, and while that is understandable, your DSs would have suffered for it.

Do you think this might be a test? A way of getting you to prove that actually you do love them and value them just as much as your DDs? And they are probably thinking that if they leave it, they won't get an inheritance as once again your DDs will be prioritised financially with everything going towards them and their current and future care.

I think you need to sit down with them and talk. Admit your failings as a mother, and by the sounds of it you did fail them quite a bit, but try to explain just how difficult your circumstances were and why it happened.

Maybe offer them a smaller sum for a deposit, to get them into a flat, maybe £10K each, but explain that you yourself need the money because of how expensive your DDs have been and how your own future looks financially difficult.

If you just ignore them and their request, you risk losing them completely.

I think you need to sit down with them and talk. Admit your failings as a mother, and by the sounds of it you did fail them quite a bit, but try to explain just how difficult your circumstances were and why it happened

How did she fail them? What do you mean by "quite a bit"?

i dont think you need to bring your daughters into the conversation.
just explain if you can and want how much you are prepared to give them

This post is abominable. You should be ashamed of yourself for posting it.

You absolute horrorshow. Have you got any idea what parents with special needs children go through?

Hi OP'S daughter in law!

"The 2 sons have never had much to do with the 2 daughters growing up. And yes I think they did feel neglected. "

The ops own words!

My DSs were members of Young Carers due to their father's illness. I saw children there who were sidelined due to ONE member of the family needing high levels of care (and the op had 3). Young Carers was specifically designed to do something positive for those children by giving them a weekly outing focused in them and an all day outing in school holidays to things like laser quest or a theme park. The only time some of these DC got to experience these type of things.

The boys felt neglected! Is it the op's fault? She is their mother. If they felt neglected, who neglected them? I'm not saying she neglected them on purpose, or even that she had any choice in the matter. But that doesn't change the fact that this is how they feel.

The op could do nothing about it and go back to having hardly any relationship with them. Or she could try to talk to them and let them tell her how they felt, and hopefully get them to see that she did the best she could in incredibly difficult circumstances.

But I can see why they might pose a bit of a test to get the op to prove to them that she loves them. Not necessarily the most sensible way. My cousin who hadn't seen her father for 13 years did similar by asking him to buy her a car when they got back in touch with one another (she was 18). . She wanted to see whether he would "put his money where his mouth is".