Sons want money from my house when/if I sell

[Helenrowena]

We live in quite a large house and we are thinking of downsizing. If anything crops up that we like that is.

I did mention in passing to my 2 sons that if we go from current 5 bed house to a 2 bed place it would free up a lot of capital .
I am hoping to top up my and husband's pensions with the capital and maybe try and get a holiday. We haven't had a holiday since 2007.
In addition I am my husband's carer as he had a brain injury in 2010.
Also we have a daughter who is bedbound and lives in a care home,plus 2 other daughters who have special needs
So we have had a lot of worries.
However, both sons have been asking for some of the capital of the proposed sale of our house,in effect getting some of their inheritance early. They are wanting about £100,000 each to buy a flat each. This would not leave me much left for topping up pensions .
What would you do? They keep asking about it.

Well she’s expressly said she doesn’t want her money going in care home fee’s. But that’s what will happen to it if she needs care. My brother and I aren’t getting an early inheritance so their savings will end up going on care home fee’s, whereas someone with no savings will have it paid for. That’s why I would rather give my kids an early inheritance. I won’t be caring for her no as I live miles away and don’t have any space until I’ve saved enough deposit to buy. My DB is in a small flat and has a toddler so neither will he. If she had given us an early inheritance and 7yrs passed then she’d get it paid for so we wouldn’t need to care for her instead anyway. I’d far rather do that than see my life savings going in care home fee’s, but up to her if she wants to do that.

Deprivation of Assets is nothing to do with seven years.

Tell them no. Can't believe they even asked!

Funny how the elder son is so much in touch at the moment. I usually never hear from him except for one visit a year.
This is the saddest thing I’ve read. What a horribly entitled arsehole(s) your sons are.

I would use a good chunk of that money on a SHL to protect your assets, ensuring your disabled daughter is protected upon your death too. She will be the one they fuck over if anything happened to your or your husband.

Agreeing with the others here. You need a pension you can live on. Put it to them bluntly. Can you support us if our pension doesn't support us? Is that what you're offering? 0_0

I have a friend who is 56 and his younger brother has difficulties (holding on to a job would be very challenging). Their dad skiddaddled for an easier life when they were teens and now my friend gives his mother 100 euro a week and that's been ongoing for 30 years. He could have saved a fortune but hasn't.

Ask the sons if they could commit to giving you a 100 pounds per week? Take the wind out of their sails! They're like boa constrictors sizing you up!

Don't entertain your sons' wishes: you must put yourselves first.

I think you have some confusion with the “7 year rule”. Councils can look back into financial records as long as they wish if they believe deprivation of assets has occurred. The “7 year rule” is in relation to inheritance tax.

You have 5 kids and three with special needs so the two that should be able to look after themselves should pull their finger out and look after themselves. Don't let them bully you.

You need the money to give yourself a break - regular holiday & some nice trips out. But also you could pay for help with husband & also things like a cleaner, gardener to make your life easier.

They sound unpleasant & demanding. Just offer them £10k each & tell them that's it.

Er what? In one word, no. You need that money, what happens when you and husband get much older and he needs more care? It sounds like you have a lot of caring responsibilities and having some money makes a huge difference. It is your money.

@Helenrowena your last post about your one son being in touch more is very telling. A whiff of money and he is hanging around you.
I would have something ready to say when they ask you again, 'Im glad you asked again, as actually the money is already accounted for. Right, lets sort out plans for Christmas/Lunch/etc shall we'.

If they are rude enough to ask how you and your husband plan to use your own money I would look surprised and say, 'Oh I don't want to bore you with details, I know you wouldn't bore me with a breakdown of how you spend your salary'.

You can't really give away money that you'll need for your pension and holidays. I'd say, sorry I can't right now. When I'm dead, it will be shared amongst you and your siblings. Make a will, when you move. You shouldn't feel emotionally blackmailed into giving money away. As long as you say it nicely, there's nothing to worry about at all.

Absolutely not. You have to think about your own future and caring for your daughter and husband. I'm also a firm believer that there is no inheritance until someone is dead - until then it's just your money to make sure you and your dependents can live comfortably.

My grandma had a disabled adult child. Most of the inheritance went to them rather than the other children because they needed lifelong care and can never work.

Tell them that you’re not a bank, it’s your money, what you do with it is nothing to do with them, and not to bring it up again. And tell them they’re monumentally rude.

I’ll tell them if you want. It would be my absolute pleasure.

Wow the cheek of it. Why do they think they can even ask for their inheritance early? Unless you've given them the impression that they can? And as for the son who normally doesn't bother with you suddenly keeping in touch much more frequently, that's just crass and embarrassing.

do they feel jealous of the support their siblings receive?
it must have been hard for them growing up

How are your 2 daughters with special needs being looked after? Are they also in care homes?

I suspect the 2 that could look after themselves had to from a young age. Whilst mum was occupied with everyone else. Must be another kick in the teeth for mum to distribute everything she has to the others yet again.

It's funny how generous people are with theoretical money they don't have.

@Goodornot possibly but there's a difference between equity and equality.

The daughters have no one else to look after them nor the means to earn for them selves.

My parents have always helped my sibling more as it's been needed for many reasons. I don't have a chip in my shoulder about it nor am I asking for financial compensation from them.

Also the sons didn't ask "can we have a little help getting on the housing ladder" they asked for £100k each. Ruthless.

It's also a bit pointless if they are on means tested benefits/in care homes.

Paying it all into a pension (how long will that take if one of them isn't working? £3600 x 20 years still only makes £75000) and what's the max the other person can pay in?(max salary per year) is not necessarily the best way to tie up capital either - but admittedly is more useful for op if she needs it than giving it away at least!

I said in my earlier post £100k is greedy.

I'd imagine they harbour resentment from everything being about the 3 girls. That cannot be easy for them as children.

I was raised with a mentally ill sibling. Everything was about her. It still is. I'm sick to death of it whether she can help it or not and her dominating everything to do with the family.

Well the sons are miles away and it's no wonder. They're getting nothing and can't be roped in for care either.

I suspect the 2 that could look after themselves had to from a young age. Whilst mum was occupied with everyone else. Must be another kick in the teeth for mum to distribute everything she has to the others yet again. ah yes. I’m sure they would have preferred to have life-long disabilities instead.

It’s one thing to feel resentment when you’re a child, the understanding and empathy is natural at that age and so children who are resentful of their disabled siblings can be excused.

But once you become an adult you need to get a grip of that and act like a grownup.

They’re not children any more. So I have 0 sympathy with this notion that they’re somehow being hard done-by because they have disabled siblings and a disabled father through no fault of their own.

This attitude that parents should give their children money or should even give them an inheritance is disgraceful, and for that not only would they not get any money out of me now, but they wouldn’t be getting an inheritance either.

Laugh at them?

Can you imagine asking anyone for 100k? And really expecting them to say yes

This attitude that parents should give their children money or should even give them an inheritance is disgraceful, and for that not only would they not get any money out of me now, but they wouldn’t be getting an inheritance either.

So it's fine to give them nothing and expect them to be doting helpful sons?

It's risky keeping it for the daughters as it will affect entitlement for benefits and free care they might otherwise be entitled to.

The OP doesn't want to give the sons anything and keep it all for the 3 disabled daughters and yet sounds resentful that they don't live near and help her with all these disabled adults. She can't have it both ways either.

You see threads on here all the time and people being bitter they've been left nothing and siblings the bulk of it.

Deleted as I didn't RTFT