Page 10 | Sons want money from my house when/if I sell

Helenrowena · 2023-11-20T21:55:24+00:00

We live in quite a large house and we are thinking of downsizing. If anything crops up that we like that is. I did mention in passing to my 2 sons that if we go from current 5 bed house to a 2 bed place it would free up a lot of capital . I am hoping to top up my and husband's pensions with the capital and maybe try and get a holiday. We haven't had a holiday since 2007. In addition I am my husband's carer as he had a brain injury in 2010. Also we have a daughter who is bedbound and lives in a care home,plus 2 other daughters who have special needs So we have had a lot of worries. However, both sons have been asking for some of the capital of the proposed sale of our house,in effect getting some of their inheritance early. They are wanting about £100,000 each to buy a flat each. This would not leave me much left for topping up pensions . What would you do? They keep asking about it.

echt · 23/11/2023 19:27

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/11/2023 18:32

"The 2 sons have never had much to do with the 2 daughters growing up. And yes I think they did feel neglected. "

The ops own words!

My DSs were members of Young Carers due to their father's illness. I saw children there who were sidelined due to ONE member of the family needing high levels of care (and the op had 3). Young Carers was specifically designed to do something positive for those children by giving them a weekly outing focused in them and an all day outing in school holidays to things like laser quest or a theme park. The only time some of these DC got to experience these type of things.

The boys felt neglected! Is it the op's fault? She is their mother. If they felt neglected, who neglected them? I'm not saying she neglected them on purpose, or even that she had any choice in the matter. But that doesn't change the fact that this is how they feel.

The op could do nothing about it and go back to having hardly any relationship with them. Or she could try to talk to them and let them tell her how they felt, and hopefully get them to see that she did the best she could in incredibly difficult circumstances.

But I can see why they might pose a bit of a test to get the op to prove to them that she loves them. Not necessarily the most sensible way. My cousin who hadn't seen her father for 13 years did similar by asking him to buy her a car when they got back in touch with one another (she was 18). . She wanted to see whether he would "put his money where his mouth is".

The key word is think, and without details impossible to judge.

Absolutely none of this makes the sons' repeated "requests" for the OP to compromise her security and that of her four dependents anything less than utterly reprehensible.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/11/2023 21:22

I've said the has 3 DDs because she said 5 DC but that might have been a typo from her as she only refers to 2 DSs and 2 DDs?

I called them greedy toe rags to start with too! But after the op's next update it's far more complicated than them just being greedy.

Maybe it was a genuine cry for attention, maybe it's a way of saying "prove you love us too", maybe it's a way of getting the op to state outright how her money is going to be left to everyone in a will. Will she set up a trust fund for the DDs to boost the care package or to set one up for the other DD and not leave the DSs anything at all?

I don't know how much the OP will get from downsizing. But if it's a large sum and she thinks she can spare a small amount, then offering a small amount for a deposit now isn't the worst idea in the world. At the very least she needs to discuss with them why this request has come up - or she risks losing contact with them entirely.

Honeychickpea · 24/11/2023 00:29

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/11/2023 21:22

I've said the has 3 DDs because she said 5 DC but that might have been a typo from her as she only refers to 2 DSs and 2 DDs?

I called them greedy toe rags to start with too! But after the op's next update it's far more complicated than them just being greedy.

Maybe it was a genuine cry for attention, maybe it's a way of saying "prove you love us too", maybe it's a way of getting the op to state outright how her money is going to be left to everyone in a will. Will she set up a trust fund for the DDs to boost the care package or to set one up for the other DD and not leave the DSs anything at all?

I don't know how much the OP will get from downsizing. But if it's a large sum and she thinks she can spare a small amount, then offering a small amount for a deposit now isn't the worst idea in the world. At the very least she needs to discuss with them why this request has come up - or she risks losing contact with them entirely.

It sounds like loosing touch with these two losers would be very beneficial to the OP .

LimePi · 25/11/2023 09:03

It’s very hard to be a parent of special needs child for sure
However it’s very hard to be a child in the household with special needs children, healthy children also need their mom and dad and their attention and love which they don’t get because their parents are stretched thin.
It’s not selfish to want that, and sadly resentment and estrangement are not uncommon in these situations. Really sad situation all around and not anyone’s fault.

people piling on the sons for being selfish sods for feeling pushed away are being stupidly judgemental. If you haven’t been a child like that, you won’t understand. It was hard for parents but the sons’ life was also badly disrupted if the daughters were that violent
yes they are still not owed money but the dynamic is understandable

susiedaisy1912 · 25/11/2023 12:56

Don't think op is coming back.

Hiddendoor · 25/11/2023 12:57

Tell them they can have your money when you are dead, on the proviso that all siblings have been well provisioned for bt them before they take their cash.

Stomacharmeleon · 25/11/2023 13:15

@Helenrowena your poor eldest daughter. In an adult care home with CFS. At 35.

TheDuchessOfMN · 25/11/2023 13:18

I think I would give them £10,000 or so each, towards a deposit. Their childhoods won’t have been easy but it’s so wrong to say that OP “neglected them”.

They are out of order to demand £100,000 and to keep asking.

Original poster

Helenrowena · 27/11/2023 00:01

Just to clarify,it is 5 children altogether. The eldest is my daughter who has very severe Chronic fatigue Syndrome. She was fine as a child and teenager,went to university too .
It was in her final year of uni she got flu like symptoms and started to tire easily. The symptoms didn't go away and things gradually worsened. She had to leave her final year early,give up her flat and move back home. Eventually she started needing a wheelchair round the house and her favourite cafe became too bright and noisy. The wheelchair was needed more and more until 6 years ago when she couldn't stand more than a few seconds. Then a commode was brought to side of the bed. After a year of this she couldn't get up for the commode or to be wheeled into a shower.
Since 2018 we had looked after her in her bed, we had to lift her onto commode,clean her as best we could by torchlight as she cannot bear light and talk only in whispers as she cannot tolerate noise.
She grew weaker and weaker,she could only drink and not eat,we had to brush her teeth for her ,we could never leave her or go out. We ordered food online ,we were on call up to 30 times a day ,it was exhausting.
All the time in semi darkness . GP came often to visit her and then psychiatrist who sectioned her September 2022.
She was traumatised by hospital staff who accused her of being fake illness.
I had a mental breakdown and was threatened with section too. I am now on Mirtazapine, quetiapine, venlefaxine, twice a day.
Meanwhile the 2 sons were busy with their jobs and flats,
Then after 8 months in hospital they transferred her to a sheltered housing complex for the elderly, which is where she now lives ,it's 33 miles from us
Lastly the two youngest girls were getting their own flats too . I try to visit the 2 girls every week.
One of them ,the youngest (24) doesn't need me much as she has helpers, the second youngest (25)has no help so I see her weekly and arranged cleaners weekly for her who keep an eye on her.
They both live within 6 miles of me.
My two sons are 31 and 27 and one lives 55 miles away,the other 180 miles away.
One of them especially distanced himself a lot because he was embarrassed by his sister's behaviour when they were growing up. I think he has quite a few issues re anger to work through. I know he wanted expensive presents at Christmas when a teenager because his mates got them,things like laptops,and a car at 17.
Well actually I think it's character building that he didn't get these things back then but has had to work and get a job and save up for them. He works as a carer in a care home and he is very patient and laid back by nature, but there is underlying anger there .
My younger son works in an office, he is a quiet soul and has Asperger's. He finds making friends difficult.
So now it's just me and hubby at home and I'm doing my best to visit everyone and keep in touch.
I always feel guilt and worry about all of them. I didn't really mean to have 5 kids and certainly wouldn't have if I'd known how it's all played out.
I always will worry,it never goes away .

I wish you all a happy Christmas and Peace✨🫂

OP posts:

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/11/2023 01:02

@Helenrowena Well actually I think it's character building that he didn't get these things back then but has had to work and get a job and save up for them.

I can see what you mean, but it can also be character damaging for less resilient children. Please don't just say "it was good for you" without trying to see it from his side. Because it likely was both good and bad for him, all at the same time.

But, wow. You have now and have had in the past a lot on your plate. Be kind to yourself.

You hinted at your DH not being supportive of you getting a pet etc and maybe not seeing things from your point of view.

I hope you can work it out, because it sounds like you have been stretched thin being there for your DC and now that they are relatively stable and supported you are having to now care for your DH, and the small things you want to do for yourself you doesn't want you to. I'm so sorry!

Topsyturvy78 · 27/11/2023 05:41

Aren't you a delight most with disabled siblings are very empathetic. I know a few and they go to young carers or used to. Because they are their siblings and they care. I know one young lady who's now a carer for her older sister and her mum who is in remission from cancer. I'm sorry we can't all have perfect children to meet your standards. But if we were all the same the world would be a boring place.

I know one parent who constantly felt guilty her other DC had missed out. Even though he told her he hasn't. A few have grown up to be children's OT, one a special needs TA working towards being a teacher. Most that work in that field usually have disability in the family.
.

PosterBoy · 27/11/2023 07:35

It sounds like there's quite a bit going on within the family really. A lot of autism and probably autistic traits if not diagnosed autism. Resentment towards parents and a somewhat strict attitude to money in the past - have you always associated lack of money with character building throughout their childhood? Maybe it's become associated with a lack of love and/or attention?
Now we find out that the horror eldest son actually chose a caring profession (low paid) that he is good at and is patient. So it's his family he doesn't have time for, not other people. And he's not chasing the money.
We haven't heard much about their dad or their upbringing? Was it a happy home or were there problems?

I wouldn't waste time reflecting on the wiseness or not of having 5 kids. Too late by far for that Maybe it's time to start building a life for you. It doesn't sound like you are vital anymore as a carer to anyone (maybe outsource the cleaning/organising of the younger girl as it has to happen someday anyway). Discover a few simple pleasures for you

Original poster

Helenrowena · 27/11/2023 09:46

Topsyturvy78 · 27/11/2023 05:41

Aren't you a delight most with disabled siblings are very empathetic. I know a few and they go to young carers or used to. Because they are their siblings and they care. I know one young lady who's now a carer for her older sister and her mum who is in remission from cancer. I'm sorry we can't all have perfect children to meet your standards. But if we were all the same the world would be a boring place.

I know one parent who constantly felt guilty her other DC had missed out. Even though he told her he hasn't. A few have grown up to be children's OT, one a special needs TA working towards being a teacher. Most that work in that field usually have disability in the family.
.

Not quite sure what you're getting at here

OP posts:

FictionalCharacter · 27/11/2023 14:38

Topsyturvy78 · 27/11/2023 05:41

Aren't you a delight most with disabled siblings are very empathetic. I know a few and they go to young carers or used to. Because they are their siblings and they care. I know one young lady who's now a carer for her older sister and her mum who is in remission from cancer. I'm sorry we can't all have perfect children to meet your standards. But if we were all the same the world would be a boring place.

I know one parent who constantly felt guilty her other DC had missed out. Even though he told her he hasn't. A few have grown up to be children's OT, one a special needs TA working towards being a teacher. Most that work in that field usually have disability in the family.
.

Who is this aimed at @Topsyturvy78 ?

susiedaisy1912 · 27/11/2023 16:40

Op your recent update sounds like you've done your best for your dc, I take my hat off to you it sounds like you have had a tough time over the years.

gooddayruby · 28/11/2023 21:23

I can't believe how much you've been through. Wow op, I definitely admire you for how you've prevailed. Your sons will definitely have their own childhood traumas that they feel they should be compensated for, but they should walk a mile in your shoes and set aside that selfish feeling.