Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Sons want money from my house when/if I sell

241 replies

Helenrowena · 20/11/2023 21:55

We live in quite a large house and we are thinking of downsizing. If anything crops up that we like that is.

I did mention in passing to my 2 sons that if we go from current 5 bed house to a 2 bed place it would free up a lot of capital .
I am hoping to top up my and husband's pensions with the capital and maybe try and get a holiday. We haven't had a holiday since 2007.
In addition I am my husband's carer as he had a brain injury in 2010.
Also we have a daughter who is bedbound and lives in a care home,plus 2 other daughters who have special needs
So we have had a lot of worries.
However, both sons have been asking for some of the capital of the proposed sale of our house,in effect getting some of their inheritance early. They are wanting about £100,000 each to buy a flat each. This would not leave me much left for topping up pensions .
What would you do? They keep asking about it.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 21/11/2023 05:55

Just say sorry not possible. We are putting the money into our pension fund. Give them say £5k each.

the7Vabo · 21/11/2023 05:56

Five kids is a lot even if they were all healthy. Why would two of the five ask for something - do they think you have £400-500k for all siblings?
I don’t blame them for asking for some help, but £100k is excessive. Plus the one who is suddenly in touch all the time, does he never visit his sick father or give you a break from caring? And he wants £100k?!

ohdamnitjanet · 21/11/2023 05:57

Tell them to fuck off. What will they do when your money runs out? Sell their properties to help you, as they expect you to do for them? Of course not. Do they help you look after their sister and dad? I hope you have a will that favours your daughter, she’ll probably need it more than them.

CeeChynaa · 21/11/2023 06:06

Erm, no?

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 21/11/2023 06:11

Zanatdy · 21/11/2023 05:42

I always think that if parents can afford it, surely it’s better to see your kids settled with an early inheritance than them waiting years until you’ve died and get the money when they don’t need it the most. My parents generation I think don’t even consider giving early inheritance, but I think our generation (eg I’m 46) more likely to, probably because it’s now much tougher out there.

My mum has probably 50-60k in the bank and 2 children living in flats, wanting to buy but one child (my brother) in a low paid job and a toddler in a small flat) and me in a well paid job but living in South east. If I was in her boat I’d probably offer some early inheritance but I would never ever ask for it. I think if I’m say 10k short she would loan me the money, and has offered to help if needed. She’s unlikely to need the money as doesn’t go on holiday anymore or rarely leave the house. Totally her choice as it is yours. If you’re going to leave yourself short, say no sorry you can’t have it

Your mum needs that money for her retirement! She may need carers, or to move home.

I think people eyeing up their parents’ money are on another level.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/11/2023 06:17

Fraaahnces · 21/11/2023 02:43

*Or even better, tell them that you’ll think about it only if they sign legally-binding contracts obliging them to support you, DH and the girls when you are no longer able, and that the originals of these contracts would be held by the solicitors handling your wills and advanced health directives.

That would be an illegal contract.

Firebug007 · 21/11/2023 06:23

Only give it if you can comfortably afford to and still carry out your plans, if not you'll have to tell them no 🤷‍♀️

Zanatdy · 21/11/2023 06:26

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 21/11/2023 06:11

Your mum needs that money for her retirement! She may need carers, or to move home.

I think people eyeing up their parents’ money are on another level.

Show quote history

She’s already been retired for years and has more income than outgoings hence she’s saved so much. She doesn’t leave the house anymore so won’t be spending it. Neither my brother or I would ever ask for it, I’m saying if it was me I’d help the next generation when I’d been fortunate to benefit from property booms. I’d want to see my kids settled personally before dying and hope I can do that

PickledPurplePickle · 21/11/2023 06:32

The answer is NO!

You don’t have to explain anything.

Cheeseandquackers21 · 21/11/2023 06:34

Well there's your answer. I can't believe it. :o ask once maybe but not keep pestering.
And I say this as a daughter who hasn't been given money (yet) but my brother has been given 50k for help with house purchase. My time will come. They sound greedy and entitled. Its your money and you've got to look after yourselves first especially as many are in need of care.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 21/11/2023 06:37

Zanatdy · 21/11/2023 06:26

She’s already been retired for years and has more income than outgoings hence she’s saved so much. She doesn’t leave the house anymore so won’t be spending it. Neither my brother or I would ever ask for it, I’m saying if it was me I’d help the next generation when I’d been fortunate to benefit from property booms. I’d want to see my kids settled personally before dying and hope I can do that

Show quote history

I could understand that if she had a lot of money but £50k is not much these days!

What if she needs a care home?

Or are you saying she’ll move in with you or db and you’ll provide care?

LimePi · 21/11/2023 06:38

You don’t need 100K for a deposit for a fiat even in London.
IF i wanted to give them anything I’d give maximum 25K each which should be a good start for a flat deposit in Scotland

however if there is any risk ot them being not happy that it isn’t enough I would just give nothing atm

Holly60 · 21/11/2023 06:42

Context is everything though. Do your two sons feel they've missed out on a lot because of having three sisters with disabilities/special needs?

Did/do your daughters get a lot of your time resources over what you can give your sons?

Do you support any of your daughters financially?

I think in theory recognising that your sons might have had a bit of a raw deal and giving them some financial support to buy property isn't a terrible idea. 100k each is an awful lot though.

TerfTalking · 21/11/2023 06:43

Absolutely appalled, you have five children and these two self centred shits want you to remain a carer, with no holidays, scrimping for the rest of your life? WTAF.

Just say no.

Heatherbell1978 · 21/11/2023 06:46

Perhaps your sons just don't get the other liabilities you have - I think there's a lot in the press about generational wealth at the moment as if all older parents are just handing down wads of cash to children and they've maybe been swept up in that and 'forgot' you have to live as well!! But no, you first.

Topsyturvy78 · 21/11/2023 06:47

I would consider giving them say £10,000 each to put towards a deposit. But if I was being pestered like that they wouldn't be getting anything. That's CF behaviour.

YouJustDoYou · 21/11/2023 06:53

Helenrowena · 20/11/2023 22:47

One lives in Edinburgh and the other in Aberdeen,and both have jobs.
I think it would just be a deposit in order to get a mortgage.
But I'll take your advice and will take time to think about things. Funny how the elder son is so much in touch at the moment. I usually never hear from him except for one visit a year.

My step siblings are like that with their dad. Always, always after money from him, loans etc. They both have well paid jobs but constantly spend their money on shit, terrible decisions and expect dad to bail them out (which he always forked out for when he was younger, but now he's almost 70 he's realised he needs to actually set the money aside for his retirement). Your sons will survive without your money. You need that for yourself.

MintJulia · 21/11/2023 06:57

Wow, what nasty grabby selfish men they must be. Tell them a simple no. And anyway there are laws about disposal of assets to avoid care fees.

CiderJolly · 21/11/2023 06:58

If they are good sons who care for their sisters and you, work hard and need support with the deposit, I’d consider some towards it, if affordable. But as the eldest only visits once a year, knowing the strain you are likely under, then no I don’t think I would.

Iamnotalemming · 21/11/2023 06:58

If DM decided to downsize I would never in a million years ask her for a chunk of the proceeds. I want her to enjoy retirement, she deserves it.

Goodornot · 21/11/2023 07:01

I don't know. Whilst I think it is greedy to specifically ask for £100k each is it possible your sons have taken a back seat in your family?

You have 3 daughters with additional needs and your husband with his injuries.

I'm not saying it's anyone's fault or criticising but is it possible they felt nothing was about them growing up? The healthy ones often have to just get on with it.

Cailin66 · 21/11/2023 07:14

Helenrowena · 20/11/2023 22:47

One lives in Edinburgh and the other in Aberdeen,and both have jobs.
I think it would just be a deposit in order to get a mortgage.
But I'll take your advice and will take time to think about things. Funny how the elder son is so much in touch at the moment. I usually never hear from him except for one visit a year.

This is elderly abuse. And financial abuse. Of you. Both your sons are greedy and entitled. You are on a vulnerable position. They are entitled to nothing. And you need to think about what you need, for your own financial security. Otherwise you face a long and dark future without a decent income.

You can be certain your sons will not find you having a financially comfortable old age.

Zanatdy · 21/11/2023 07:15

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 21/11/2023 06:37

I could understand that if she had a lot of money but £50k is not much these days!

What if she needs a care home?

Or are you saying she’ll move in with you or db and you’ll provide care?

Show quote history

Well she’s expressly said she doesn’t want her money going in care home fee’s. But that’s what will happen to it if she needs care. My brother and I aren’t getting an early inheritance so their savings will end up going on care home fee’s, whereas someone with no savings will have it paid for. That’s why I would rather give my kids an early inheritance. I won’t be caring for her no as I live miles away and don’t have any space until I’ve saved enough deposit to buy. My DB is in a small flat and has a toddler so neither will he. If she had given us an early inheritance and 7yrs passed then she’d get it paid for so we wouldn’t need to care for her instead anyway. I’d far rather do that than see my life savings going in care home fee’s, but up to her if she wants to do that.

MyCircumference · 21/11/2023 07:22

they dont need that much of a deposit imo