Sons want money from my house when/if I sell

[Helenrowena]

We live in quite a large house and we are thinking of downsizing. If anything crops up that we like that is.

I did mention in passing to my 2 sons that if we go from current 5 bed house to a 2 bed place it would free up a lot of capital .
I am hoping to top up my and husband's pensions with the capital and maybe try and get a holiday. We haven't had a holiday since 2007.
In addition I am my husband's carer as he had a brain injury in 2010.
Also we have a daughter who is bedbound and lives in a care home,plus 2 other daughters who have special needs
So we have had a lot of worries.
However, both sons have been asking for some of the capital of the proposed sale of our house,in effect getting some of their inheritance early. They are wanting about £100,000 each to buy a flat each. This would not leave me much left for topping up pensions .
What would you do? They keep asking about it.

Why should siblings care for the three ddisabled other siblings.

Jeez could you do that? On top of your job and life? There's a thread here about refusing to provide care for parents and yet siblings is to be expected.

The 2 sons have never had much to do with the 2 daughters growing up. And yes I think they did feel neglected. The sons are 31 and 27 and the 2 daughters 25 and 24. The elder son especially resented the girls and was very embarrassed by their behaviour.
The girls both have autism and learning difficulties and it was a very difficult time bringing them up. Mainstream school couldn't cope as both were violent, then they went to special schools and they couldn't cope either. They got excluded continually. I couldn't go anywhere with them. Only managed to go on holiday abroad twice , in 2004 and 2007 which was last holiday.
They both live alone now,the youngest has support ,her sister has none. Both get benefits of £1200 a month which they waste on soft toys and if they were left any money it would be wasted too.
The eldest daughter who is bedbound is now 34 ,has an allocated council house but is unable to move in because a care package not available in our area. She has been in an elderly care home 45 miles away since April as they can provide care. She is totally bedbound for the last 5 years. She has very severe Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, cannot stand bright light or noise. We visit her twice a week.
My husband contracted Encephalitis in May 2010 and nearly died. He was in a coma for several weeks, then 3 months in hospital .He had to learn to read and write again. He tires easily and doesn't manage reading tasks but I do all that. He can't drive now, his memory and concentration are affected. He gets disability allowance.
He has changed since he got ill but is also getting on a bit at 72. I am 65. We are not as close as we used to be but I suppose there's just so much going on re the kids. He definitely didn't want 5 kids and never fully understood why I wanted a big family. If I'd known the problems I definitely wouldn't have had more then 2 or 3.
Anyway it's just me and him in the house now and I would love to get a little dog but he can't stand dogs so I'm fed up with him for that. I do all the cooking,driving,pay the bills,organise everything like any house repairs/car repairs. I would love a wee dog.

Cheeky sods
Tell them no and to stop asking
Your situation is complicated

get a dog op do something for yourself

Wow I feel like the people commenting on this thread are a bit out of touch with the situation for young people at the moment!

And they're not the only ones feeling the pinch. I had a pension statement yesterday - growth has been flatlining for the last two years and I'm going back to work from semi-retirement to top it up and try to have a halfway decent standard of living when I finally decide to fully retire.

100k each? are they on drugs or something?

No way. You've got a lot going on there and they're just adding to your stress by pressurising you. Tell them no, you're not going to discuss why or discuss your finances with them. That's where you went wrong, your finances are nothing to do with them. Totally selfish of them to even ask.

Frankly, if the OP handed that money over I'D put a significant sum on DSs disappearing and not being seen again.

They resented their severely disabled siblings and expect huge handouts? It would be a hard no from me. They can buy their own houses, they are working and perfectly able. Aberdeen was ranked the most affordable city in the UK for buying a property. Salaries are high and properties are comparatively cheap. Yes there are expensive properties available but there are plenty of affordable options. 100k would buy a flat outright. Who gets a property just handed to them?!

Have you worked out how much you will have left after the move, Stamp Duty,
Alterations to house to account for the invalids whose problems will only increase as they age.
Please wait until you are in new house and the work done before they become generous with your money.

I would be tempted to send them links to particular properties with a granny flat on. Say you have reconsidered your money and they are great ds's for offering you company in your dotage...
Then watch them vanish back under their rocks..

I think it’s very cheeky of them to ask.
keep as much of the money that you think you will need ( account for many holidays etc as you should be able to enjoy your life after working so hard) then keep 100k more than that as a cushion, if you then have something left over you can give it to them but make sure you are keeping more than enough for yourself / husband and also if daughters need some.
Giving 200k to your sons sounds like it wouldn’t leave you with much,

Wow I feel like the people commenting on this thread are a bit out of touch with the situation for young people at the moment! actually I think that in many ways young people have never had it easier.

Yes, it’s almost impossible to get on the property ladder at and with that I sympathise.

But the upshot of that is that most younger people now live at home until they’re about 25 or so, supposedly saving towards a deposit except most of them are pissing that deposit up the wall, and while some of them will be paying rent to their parents the vast majority have no bills to pay and have no actual idea what it’s like to live independently.

Young people aren’t any worse off than the majority of us, but they’re constantly needing to tell the world how hard done-by they are when they’re really not.

I wish someone would pay my bills, and as for being on the property ladder, as great as it is if you can own a house, nobody ever tells you about the hidden, and sometimes not so hidden costs of doing so. The repairs, the decorating, I’ve just had to spend £2.5k on having my roof repaired, am going to have to redecorate, I need a new kitchen and new carpets and I have to find or earn that money somehow.

The worst of this IMO isn’t that it’s so hard to get on the property ladder, it’s the state of the rental market. If the rental market was better I’d be saying that owning a house is a benefit but not a necessity.

Even the likes of Martin Lewis tells people that owning isn’t the be all and end all, and uses Europe as an example where virtually everyone rents.

The girls both have autism and learning difficulties and it was a very difficult time bringing them up. Mainstream school couldn't cope as both were violent, then they went to special schools and they couldn't cope either. They got excluded continually. I couldn't go anywhere with them. Only managed to go on holiday abroad twice , in 2004 and 2007 which was last holiday.
They both live alone now,the youngest has support ,her sister has none. Both get benefits of £1200 a month which they waste on soft toys and if they were left any money it would be wasted too.

You wonder why your sons don't visit and moved away?

If you don’t have earning you are very limited in how much you can put into a pension.

You wonder why your sons don't visit and moved away?

Don't you sound lovely.

I wonder what makes them think that after moving away and not visiting a DM who has to cope with all that that they're entitled to £ 100k each just for the asking?

Get a dog if you can care for it. Don't martyr yourself in the altar of family. You can keep him away from your th and long walks with it will do you the world of good. If you have never helped your d's out is maybe see if they could have £50000 between them to help them get on the property ladder.

Why should they have anything? they never visit except when they get the sniff of money.

Goodornot.

You are the sort of person I used to have to deal with on a daily basis, unsympathetic and judgemental.
I wonder how you would cope with even half of what I've had in my life.

I'd tell them to stop asking or they won't get a penny. £100k each for house deposits is ridiculously grasping. Where did they get that figure from ?
It does sound as if they feel excluded from your lives because of your DDs, but that's not your fault.

I'd give them the money tbh. Only, for buying a home, and all five getting the same.

Just wanted to send a big hug. You have gone through and going through so much, no dont give them a penny. You will need it for your future, and your wee dog 🐶 x

Give them 10% deposit each say £10,000 and put £10,000 in trust for each daughter, If you can afford that much, or less for each. Children should be treated equally or if anything the ones with extra needs should get more.

Tell them to get lost.

You have FIVE children , not just two. They all deserve the same amount if money as inheritance, early or not.
So even if (and I wouldn’t recommend it in your case) you were giving them some help to buy a house/flat, then it should be £200k:5 so £40k each no more than that.

It’s not just that they are happy to see their dad and you struggling. They are also happy to fleece their siblings.

Thats a big fat NO all the way.

What were you expecting the OP to do? Give them away And pretend they didn’t exist?

How dare you!!

Wow. You sound lovely.