Sons want money from my house when/if I sell

[Helenrowena]

We live in quite a large house and we are thinking of downsizing. If anything crops up that we like that is.

I did mention in passing to my 2 sons that if we go from current 5 bed house to a 2 bed place it would free up a lot of capital .
I am hoping to top up my and husband's pensions with the capital and maybe try and get a holiday. We haven't had a holiday since 2007.
In addition I am my husband's carer as he had a brain injury in 2010.
Also we have a daughter who is bedbound and lives in a care home,plus 2 other daughters who have special needs
So we have had a lot of worries.
However, both sons have been asking for some of the capital of the proposed sale of our house,in effect getting some of their inheritance early. They are wanting about £100,000 each to buy a flat each. This would not leave me much left for topping up pensions .
What would you do? They keep asking about it.

"Their inheritance"?? Have you ever told them you'll be leaving them inheritance? If not, it's extremely cheeky and entitled to assume you'll get inheritance. Plus, you're not dead yet, so you're not done with the money you've worked hard for your whole life.

They are absolute cheeky fuckers and I'd be telling them how unimpressed you are with them.

They can save up for a deposit for a place, just like what the majority of us have to do. Absolute cheeky fuckers.

Don't give them a penny when you sell. Who do they think they are??

Unless you're in London, 15k each should be enough to help them with a deposit

Quite apart from them being really rude to ask for such a large sum, you should get financial advice anyway because if your husband needed more care than you can currently give then giving away cash like that could possibly be seen as a deprivation of assets. I'm not sure but get advice!

That speaks volumes - he's a vulture.

I see one of the sons has posted…….

You have several very pressing responsibilities
. Your husband
. Your daughter in the care home
. Two daughters with special needs

That's two or four dependants, depending on the severity of your two daughters' special needs. I'm guessing your responsibilities restrict your earning potential, so the capital from downsizing is really your sole income, and it needs to be nurtured to provide for you and your dependants' current and forthcoming NEEDS. It simply isn't available for your non-dependant sons' WANTS.

Any money released by downsizing has to last you a long time. Your pensions pIan is sound. I would not be giving any of it away, particularly not to sons of whom you can say - "Funny how the elder son is so much in touch at the moment. I usually never hear from him except for one visit a year."

As a useful general principle, just because someone has asked you a question, doesn't mean you're always obliged to reply.

I mean, a "hmm" to indicate you heard the question is polite I guess, but beyond that, unless it's "you've turned the power off, right?" or similar... You can... Just. Not. Answer.

Grim. Entitled little shits would
Be getting zero from me. You've other commitments. Go your holiday ❤️

Tell them to go out and earn their own money for their own houses, like most people do. And maybe consider leaving your estate, if you have any, to a cats' home.

you really should be laughing. The request is ludicrous.

just tell them no. You need that money for your own future. The best gift you can give them at this point is keeping yourself financially stable.

I'm sorry, OP, but your son is an entitled twat. Keep your money. You won't be doing your sons any favors by giving them money that you will need in the future. If you impoverish yourself you won't be able to help your husband and daughters. If there's anything left when you and your husband are gone, split it equitably (not necessarily equally) among your children. And tell your son he won't get anything if he keeps asking.

See to your own future and pension first. After you move you might need adaptations, extra bathroom, a new roof or something. If you have to pay for carers it can eat up a small fortune.

If they think you might pop off early, you can make an Expression of Wish to pay out an unused fund without inheritance tax, or, at the moment, the rates for 10 year guarantee mean the pension can continue to be paid even if you aren't still here, might help with their mortgage.

I retired early and have been making modest flexible withdrawals, and continued growth of the fund has made it bigger now than when I started. YMMV.

Say you give each son £100,000 :

1. They could piss it all up against a wall.
2. If each is married they could get divorced and a large chunk of "your" money ends up in the hands of ex in-laws. Maddening if there were no grandchildren to benefit from it.

You and your DH hang on to all your dosh OP. It sounds like you both really need it. Good luck.

Tell them to get a job, save up for a deposit and get a mortgage like many of us. Give them £10k-20k each if you’re willing and able to and let that be the end of that. Also, make a will.

Give them nothing, OP. You're going to need the money to care for your husband and daughter.

If I was in your shoes I would get some legal advice, to help you decide the best way forward OP.

Sod that. The sons are in Edinburgh and Aberdeen, I think?

The lad who lives in Edinburgh could easily buy a house in Fife for a relatively small sum of money. Many people commute from Fife to Edinburgh. It's possible to buy a decent 2 bed house in Fife for 70k. (Sound, but needing a bit of redecoration. A similar property in move-in condition recently sold for offers over 110k.)

I saw a studio flat in move-in condition on sale for 50k.

Go together to a financial advisor.
It could be in everyones' best interests that some money goes to a house deposit for sons. (maybe smaller and maybe owned jointly)
Do your sons stand to inherit anything at all? It might be the only asistance that they ever get from you given that their sisters are disabled and need your help for their whole life and will also need your sons to step up and take an interest in them when you die.

Will they be more able to assist their sisters and feel fairly treated if you help in a managable way for them to secure a home?

I've already said - the lad who lives in Edinburgh could buy a studio flat in Fife for 50k.

A 2 bed house with a front and back garden recently sold for 89k. (Good condition - just needed the pink bathroom suite replacing.

Fucking hell, you must be disappointed in them.
‘dear both, I know you are very interested in the money from the sale of our home. However this money was earmarked for a long list of needs- a carer for your dad, my ongoing income, my first holiday in 15 years, ongoing support for your sister. I can only assume you have a plan that you haven’t shared with me, I do see a number of options . Dad could move in with one of you and you could commit to paying a certain number of caring hours for your sister and anything additional you don’t feel able to do yourselves for your dad, and if I run out of money which of the two of you will house me? What were your thoughts on providing for my future and the needs listed?

mum

My husband's adult kids got quite a bit of money from us and from their mum. (Not a huge amount, but a lot for us - and they were substantially better paid than us.)

I get the impression that they were surprised at how little they got when my husband died. Quite simply, there wasn't that much to leave to them. They didn't even acknowledge their cheques.

My husband had a succession of pensionless blue collar jobs before he entered the teaching profession later in life. I don't think they realised how small his teaching pension was - about 8k, because he was a late entrant. (I get 16k.)

This.

Try asking about the care they're prepared to provide for their sisters and watch them run for the hills.

I wouldn't give them £100,000 each, way too much given the circumstances. Would £20,000 deposit allow them to get onto the property market? I might consider that. They're being really greedy and unfair on their siblings who obviously have much more need for parental support than they do.

Tell the boy in Edinburgh to start looking at the housing market in Fife.
https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/138533336#/?channel=RES_BUY

On a good day with a following wind we could get £800,000 for this house. DC is an only, we signed our wills the other day and told him that we had a very decent chunk in savings and that it was time to start spending it, that we were leaving him the house and that was it.

He replied, thank you for the house, leave enough for funerals, anything more than that, I will be disappointed in you.